Monday, November 29, 2021

Unrealistic Expectations of

 the Perfect Hollyweird Hallmark Perception of the Perfect Family Christmas.

That is a mouthful and so unrealistic. 

The following is Satire and not meant to represent any real family.

There is no such thing as a perfect Christmas. There are no perfect Holidays. 

This time we hired Security Officers for a Family Get Together to make sure that the feuding families didn't bring weapons. Full body searches at the door pretty much took the fun out of getting inside to have a good knock


drag out


However, an MMA event was not out of the question.

Grandma Mildred smuggled in a Bowie Knife. I mean seriously, the officers missed that. Who on earth would search an old lady's Wet Depends?

Cousin LeRoy attacked Cousin Raymond with a plastic Spork after they both went for the same piece of nasty Fruitcake.

Great Grandma Jolene went after Grandma Mildred. Jolene is an expert at wheeling that old chair of hers. Hair was pulled and Grandma Mildred lost her wig. Mildred whipped her Rollator around and nearly took off Jolene's head.

With shots and beers in hand, the rest of the family hung out at the bar and watched the entertainment. The Grandma Fight was scored and after 3 rounds, they broke it up and handed the Champion Necklace to Mildred. Her Bowie Knife won her extra points.

So clever of Mildred to outwit and outfight a 90 year old!

The little ones went around the rented room to tear down decorations. They decided to pile it up in the corner and see if they could start a fire.

Some of us were impressed that these two and four year old's could be so handy with matches and lighters.

Serious bets were placed on who would start the next fight when the presents were opened. We'd drawn names for this large get together.

We'd hired a Santa to pass out gifts. He was the same Santa we'd used a year ago. Instead of a big pillow under his suit, he was wearing a Kevlar Vest. Impressive!

We had to separate the grandmothers one more time. Great Grandma Jolene had held the Family Feud Champion Necklace for years and wasn't about to give it up that easily.

Gifts were passed out just before the Santa passed out. Apparently he had been hiding out at the bar for quite a while.

All was merry especially when the fire department arrived to put out the fire the kids started.

We all left the building and admired the pretty flashing lights.

Grandpa Leo toddled out with his walker and waved it around announcing that he just loved a parade with Fire Trucks!


Oh ... and then I woke up.


  1. We have a police scanner we listen to for entertainment. You say this is fiction . . . LOL

    1. When I was a security officer, we had the scanner going all the time. The wife attacking the hubby on Christmas with a frying pan...was odd ... and the hubby ran off. Stranger things, right?
      She called it in because her husband ran off with no coat!

  2. You had fun spinning this story! Not at all like the Hallmark (plus, all the spinoff series) movies that Brad has on our TV non-stop since before Thanksgiving.

  3. Could be true:) Interesting read!

    1. isn't, but seems like it would be a good plot for a sitcom!