Up and at 'em

The alarm rings and I grab for it. Some mornings of course I am awake before that 4:30 ding a ling.

I consider not getting up but then I remember the CrossFit thing I've committed myself to.
And I get up and smile through my first cup of coffee.

Some folks around me don't voice it but I'm sure they may be thinking...
"Has she gone daffy?"

During the WOD or workout portion of rowing, burpees, rope jumping, lifting, or pull ups [each workout is modified to my ability as a beginner...] ... I feel my parts saying NO NO! And my mind is saying please yes!

My workout mates gather around and cheer me on if I am doing something hard, or I find myself cheering another on, or helping him/her put things away or set them up.
I've found a clan of nutty people.

And suddenly that alarm is no longer intrusive in the morning, but awakens me with a smile.

And then when I do drive home...
I get these views...

And yes, I even do that early workout before driving to Madison for appointments.
Well, as long as the appointments for Rich aren't too early themselves. It is a 2 hr drive and I have to get him up and awake which is a job in itself.

This week is no piece of cake in the appointment department. But the all day endorphines seem to help.

Oh yes. I do give myself breaks. The other morning I slept in until 6:30. However my day felt off somehow.

Rich is doing okay. Speech Therapy is proving to be extremely frustrating for him and he can't let go of the fact that language and writing used to be so easy. And now some days it is impossible or he feels it is impossible.

Those mornings though are something else.

I have a purpose with each waking day.

I can handle the difficult issues that keep coming up each day with a bit of a better tempermant. This is why I get up and do CrossFit.

And ...
why not?
Tomorrow we get to RUN! OHHH my favorite!

Whoa is me...

Well not really. I changed my blog settings to allow comments from Google+. Suddenly there were either a lot of comments or not a single one.

Lori from The Skoog Farm Journal emailed me telling me she hadn't been able to comment for a long time. So I changed back to the old method and this morning poof! All old comments disappeared and are gone.
I guess that is okay. I will just keep moving forward and not look back. I set this blog up in 2005 I think and the only way to fix it may be to either go with the G+ or completely redesign this?

I guess I am not going to lose any sleep over it. I'll leave it as is and that will be that.

Yesterday was a bleh day. I waited for my husband to decide what 'he' wanted to do. During his counseling with his Psychologist, he mentioned that I was a 'nag' and he wanted me to stop.
So yesterday I did.

His goal he set with Lindsey was to go to the river and check things out for fishing with me giving him a ride. I was ready in the morning. He wouldn't commit. He took a nap and I waited.

Because I did NOT nag. He missed his mid day meds. He forgets. He finally wandered around the house at 1pm and looked out the door.

"Is it cold out?" he asked. 
I shrugged. "Go out and look for yourself."

His Negative Nancy Personality has returned...or the Excuse Guy has returned. His doctor is telling him not to make excuses and to do these little goals that he sets himself up for and agrees to do.

"It could be cold."
I shrug and check the time.

We finally get in the car and drive to a fishing spot.
He sits.
I finally open his door and tell him to get out.

He walks down to the water.
"It has weeds in it." 
I shrug. "It has fish in it."

"I don't know."
I sigh. "Well, next week I am going fishing. You can tag along if you wish." I leave it at that.

When we get home he decides that it is nap time. 

I keep trying to tell myself that the 'cure' was for his depression and that the Vascular issues that lean towards dementia along with the stroke are still there.
He was a procrastinator before the stroke, he is worse now.

But because I am a 'Nag' and it makes him angry. I have to back off. How will anyone see that unless he is pushed a bit, he won't achieve his goals of walking, fishing, and trying to move around to improve his health?

He knows he wants to do it, but he told Lindsey some days he just can't. 

She told him not to make excuses. 
She also told him that he may have to accept some 'nagging' from me. It was okay to ask him once IF he was going to walk, take meds, or do something on his list. But after the once. I was to leave it alone.

I think he is still a bit upset that I am joining a Camera Club. I went to a meeting Tuesday night and was gone for a few hours. I told him that I couldn't sit in the house 24 hrs a day. Meeting with people that like photography and getting involved in fun things is a way for me to have social experiences and a bit of respite from the daily grind of being a Nagging Caregiver.


I took Charlie for a walk then while he slept. When I returned he was planted in front of the computer and screen watching Netflix.

He cannot seem to see or hear me while glued to the screen. 

Well. He is in a better place. He isn't so depressed now and he even seems quite pleasant most of the time.
But my old friend is gone.

I just find the good moments in each day to enjoy. And I take advice from Charlie. 

This and That

What a welcome surprise. Nice unusual weather.
Dry and warm.
The National Weather Service has issued advisories however that this warm dry spell has increased our fire danger.

However we are taking full advantage of it.

Last minute fence repairs before mother nature blasts us with subzero temperatures and snow.

Moving the round bale feeders.
I do love a guy who can operate a skid steer!

Morris supervised from the porch. He had been sleeping on the blanket I gave him but decided to start barking at everything. I brought out his crate and he went in it.
His imagined monsters can't get him in the crate.
He settled down and napped when he wasn't watching.

Rich and I pulled fencing from the Merry Meadow. The work to maintain the fencing is now too large of a job. Mowing the meadow wasn't done this year and since it isn't our land I'm willing to just let it grow wild again.
It served a good purpose for years, however the more things stay...the same, the more they change.

We met with Rich's speech therapist again yesterday. She gave us some insights to the 'new' Normal. I do not like that phrase Your New Normal, but it is appropriate.
COPD affects so many things. She enlightened us to the fact that the brain uses 20% of the oxygen in the body. When short of breath from exertion, the brain is getting shorted also. An already damaged brain from a stroke is fighting harder to get its oxygen.
Confusion and memory issues immediately arise.
If left short of that wonderful 02, more brain damage can result.

It helps me understand what is happening to Rich when he is trying so hard to do chores. He is not a quitter. But it helps me understand why he feels lost when he is out of breath.
COPD is an insidious disease that forgives no one. You cannot escape it and as it slowly eats away at your health.

Our new thoughts to take home from Speech Therapy are these two things:
I am Rich, I am "As Is."
The more things stay the same, the more they change.
[Yes that is the exact opposite of the saying, but this fits better in our case.]

So.
It seems that some or most of the work will fall into my hands for getting everything ready for winter.
I'm up to most of the task.

The Dexters we are keeping will move into the paddock just south of the house where they can share a 300 gallon heated stock tank of water with the equine who will be in their winter pasture also.
One heated tank. One hose to fill it. The chores will become much more manageable through the cold.

Mr. Morris seems to be doing fair. Yesterday the neighbor and her son came to let him out for a potty break and drink of water. Morris apparently didn't 'see' the porch post until he ran into it. He has done this off and on lately. I don't know if he really has doggy dementia or what. I do know that his hearing is negligible and that his eyesight seems at times to be a bit questionable.

However, all of this and that aside, we are having an incredible end to November.
The skies have delighted us with morning and evening surprises of brilliant colors.

And thus, another month ends.
Tomorrow is December.

What should we do today?

"What do you want to do?" I asked hubby as he sat at the kitchen window and stared out at the cloudy dismal looking day.

"Is it going to clear up?" he asked. I checked the weather. 40% chance of showers on and off during he day. I told him that.

"Is it going to clear up?" he asked again.

I shrugged and then replied, "Well what are you thinking?"

"Well, if it is going to clear up, then we could try Runge Hollow and go fishing." He stated.
Rich had fishing on his mind. Funny how when a thought these days comes into his head, it gets stuck and rumbles around repeatedly over and over. No fault of his though, the though rattles about until we address it in one way or another.

"We have rain gear," I reminded him, "some pretty good rain gear. Why don't we just grab it and go? We can pick up worms on the way through town."

He stared out the window for a bit without seeing anything. Once that look concerned me as he would be having obtrusive PTSD thoughts of combat long ago.
Now after the stroke he had told me, things are just blank. Nothing is there.
He seems more soft and not as harsh around the emotional edges.

I got up from the table and grabbed his rain gear and then directed him step by step on items we needed. On days like this, he needed more than the usual guidance.
In no time at all we were headed towards Runge Hollow.

And it did rain off and on.
You can't see it in these shots, but when we had 6 or more inches in a 24 hour period in July the water rose in this man made lake up at least 5 feet, the leaves on the trees on the opposite edge of the lake had mud on them.

Runge Hollow Dam holds back some of the Bad Axe River and keeps it from flooding out those downstream from it. Our county has a series of man made lakes and dams that are flood control projects.

We fished the rest of the day and enjoyed the peace and quiet of having the place all to ourselves. And yes, we got enough to have a nice supper on Friday night.

The other side of the Dam...

Our fishing spot for most of the afternoon.

If you look hard you can see Rich down next to the intake. There is a vehicle in the upper left driving up County Road Y which is on top of the dam.

A view across from the dam where the boat dock used to be along with the wheel chair access. I believe they were washed away in the flood last September of 2016.

I learned that just because it is raining, it doesn't mean you can't go fishing.
I recall something my Grandfather Fred used to say.

"It's raining outside, let's have a picnic!"

It never really made sense. But now I can say..."It's raining outside! Let's Go Fishing!"

15, The Wonder Horse.

Well. The pressure is off. The equine are sorted out and a huge hay bill no longer looms on our horizon.

However that is not the point of this blog.

 I called the mule gang out for a brushing session.

 After brushing, they wander off...except...

Siera who decided to heel me and ask for more attention. 

Lil' Richard cleans up the rough spots

Rich felt pretty down when the others were loaded up and left. I felt a pretty huge sense of loss and change. However, it was necessary.

Pedro went with a team penning gent who fell in love with his color and attitude. Pedro, Willy, and LeRoy are headed off to school. They will have jobs to do also.

I went to the paddock where I am keeping 15 right now for easy access. She goes inside when it the sun is hot in her paddock and comes out for most of the day.

After supper was cleaned up I told Rich that I was going to brush 'his' horse and apply some bug spray to her legs. I would also like to pick out her feet and practice with her a bit more. 

With all the changes in the past three days, I thought a distraction would be nice.

Rich came with the spray. He'd been complaining that it was too hot or too buggy, or too...something and had been ready to go in for the evening. Afternoons are very hard on him. He says that his brain tends to 'misfire' late in the day. And it does. Late afternoons and evenings are tough.

Once he got into the paddock with 15, she perked up and her eyes and ears followed him. He talked to her and told her with mixed up words what he was going to do.

She listened to his voice and relaxed as he sprayed her with fly spray. And she didn't move a muscle.

I took the halter and lead rope off from her and handed them to Rich. 

I turned to leave her pen.

Rich didn't leave. 

He began to run his hands all over her and talk to her. I think she loves his tone of voice. She doesn't mind it if his words are mixed up, she doesn't care if he forgets part of a sentence or stops mid sentence because the words won't come. 

She stood like a statue while he walked around her and talked quietly. He then put his arm around her and leaned into her. She didn't move.

Then he put most of his body weight into her side. She simply sighed and licked her lips.

This from a man who has never had a particular fondness for horses. 

He has always liked them, and treated them well. But mules were his 'thing'. 

15 makes him smile. I think she makes him feel whole.

Who knows?

And does it really matter? 

All that matters is that she is the little Wonder Horse.

One day at a time....

Well you don't have to say...I told you so!...

Because yesterday I actually enjoyed myself. I had GG and mom in law .. I was the driver and I had GG and MIL telling me how to get to the cemeteries. One in the back seat, one in the front.

"Turn Right," they'd chime in. "Turn here ... park here!" We visited the relatives 'headstones' and I was caught in a moment where my husband knelt by his father's grave and placed a hand on the earth. He then dug out some chewing tobacco and placed it in the earth. "For you Pa." I heard him say.

I took a photo at that moment. Looking at it later...well, it is a beautiful shot. A keeper for sure.

I took my 'riders' out to lunch and enjoyed the halting conversation between MIL who can't hear worth a hoot and GG who could only get out partial thoughts and words. They have been mom and son for so long that communication was no issue.

I took MIL home then we got home. I went to work on the fence. When GG woke up I asked him for approval and opinion. Our communication was very difficult. He couldn't 'see' what I was asking. So I asked him if he could drive the 4 wheeler to where I needed his opinion. It was an agonizing conversation. But worth it. ~~ I suppose I could have just not asked his opinion and got the job done on my own. But I don't want to keep him from helping in farm decisions, right?

JOB DONE! Whew!

GG and I worked on language skills. His Speech Therapist gives us homework. Yesterday was harder than usual. Writing some words were beyond him. 

I need to get the VA and GLHP organized next. The trauma center wants to follow up with him. The brain surgeon needs to do another surgery.  However ... the VA is not approving more appointments. Now I need to bring in VA neuroscience and get them on board. Or just bite the bullet and hope for the best with Gundersen. 

Today though, I am NOT farming, not fencing, not mowing, not making supper, not...doing anything unless it is chores.

I have a friend checking out some buyers for the equine. I have a call into Equity Livestock for help with culling cattle.

Today.

Today, I take GG fishing. I will pack us a lunch and we will go fishing. Yes. I may need to learn how to clean fish [ick] ... but we will do something that GG adores and doesn't have to work on thinking and conversation.

One day.

At a time

Old Dogs/ Old Men

Well.
My husband does not think he is old.
Morris does not
think
he is
old.

I found a bell for Morris to wear. It is very loud and obnoxious. I will try and get a shot of him with the bell and collar at some point.
But! I can hear him from afar with it on!
I was making a lot for Bob so he can get out of the mud and Morris proceeded to go around the old garage and out of sight. I could hear him though. He gleefully dug up a rabbit nest and was able to locate him easily.

Rich over did things yesterday. While I was working with the heart monitor tech and then on the phone again with the Medtronics tech, he unloaded small squares of bales off the truck.
I know. I tried to help him and he got angry.

"I am not Crippley!"
Sometimes it is best to let 'the patient' find their own limits.
And sometimes not.

After lunch Rich took a nap and I worked on my east side garden next to the house. For fun this year I've am using some ugly buckets and even an old aluminum tea pot as planters for some flowers. When the flowers come into full bloom they offset the ugly. I may spray paint a garish yellow plastic pot I have into something else.
It is fun being creative without spending any money.

The techs and I never did solve the heart monitor issue. However I may decide that taking 'readings' somewhere else may just work.
I took a reading when Rich said he felt dizzy.
He was more upset about not being able to move his truck and park it than anything else. He said he was worthless.

I assured him he was not worthless. I put myself in his shoes and try to see it from his perspective. I am pretty sure that I'd be much the same way if I were in his shoes.

Of course I said old dogs and old men, but I should have included old women in that title.

But who admits to getting older?

One day at a Time

We'd met with the Speech Therapist at the VA. The young lady was fresh faced and new, doing her internship with Veterans. I sat quietly while she did an assessment. I think that was the hardest part for me, watching my husband struggle with certain things.

However, the ST said he was doing quite well and normally they weren't able to see 'stroke patients' this soon after a stroke. She felt that he would make great strides.

Rich isn't sure about the great strides. But the therapist kept encouraging Rich to challenge himself with tasks, but to remember that when he got tired it would not go as well.

She looked forward to meeting with us next week.

We got home just as the first thunderstorm hit. The animals were eating hay quietly and the grand kids were sitting on the couch watching a DVD on a small portable player.

After the second round of storms blew through [we made a quick trip to the basement when that storm came through], the kids broke out a new deck of cards and asked their Grandpa to teach them some card games.

Without really knowing it, the kids were helping with Speech Therapy and Cognitive Thinking skill therapy.

Yesterday was a busy one even though Rich didn't think it was. We put round bales in with the gelding lot, the calf lot, and the cow lot.
For lunch we went to the local restaurant and had a really great meal with the kids.
We stopped afterwards to see Rich's mom.

For a person who has had a stroke just 12 days ago, that is a lot of activity.
I could tell that he was getting rather tired.

Our week has been busy with visiting helpers and drives to the Madison VA for appointments. Not to mention the phone calls I have had to make or receive for more appointments and follow ups.

After the kids left, Rich proclaimed that he needed to rest. Indeed he did.

I thought I'd run down to the "Morel Area" and see if I could find us a handful to cook up as a tasty treat.

I found some rather large ones on the upper north side of the creek bed.

Morris and I gathered up a small bunch and headed back home. I walked fast, but still managed to stop and photograph some wild Columbine, wild Geranium, Jacob's Ladder, and wild Strawberry flowers. The Mayflowers are blossoming now.
I wanted to head to the back valley to photograph the Trillium that litter the north hillside.
And I thought to myself.
Perhaps next year.

This spring was going to be too busy for long wanderings.

I took a slightly different path than normal home. The storms that blew through the night before had uprooted an old oak tree which fell onto a box elder, which fell onto another box elder and basically made a huge mess.

Unfortunately, it laid across our hot-wire fence. I do have to say that the fencing we use is amazing. it is 1/4" soft braided rope fence. After Rich cut a chunk out of the log we were able to replace the broken insulators and the fence was back on and hot.

And no. He probably shouldn't have been running a chain saw. However, it needed to be taken care of.

It basically wore him out physically. And I told him that the rest of the work would just have to wait until we had a chainsaw party.

“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.” James Baldwin

Horse Therapy

Each day is different. I can at least say this. My life with my husband has never been boring.

Yesterday his daughter and the grands came. I had some errands to run and they had volunteered to do some work around the place that I hadn't gotten to because of things being a bit crazy around here.

They cleaned out the round pen while I was in town. Rich had taken a short nap and then decided to work with our new pony 15.

I had told Rich that he didn't need to speak well to work with 15. She was kind and gentle. I rarely speak to the animals I train except when I am teaching a simple verbal cue.
An animal will pick up on your body language and observe you closely.

Rich began to work with her. His daughter later told me that it made her very nervous and she didn't think he should be in with the pony.
15 did an excellent job responding to him. I guess his audience was quite impressed.
Rich had told me that he couldn't do it, he couldn't work with 15. I asked him why and he shrugged. He just thought he couldn't.

I explained that a horse doesn't judge a person's language, a horse can take its cues from the human body language and tone of voice. It is not the spoken word at all.
And besides, he feels worthy and like he is accomplishing things when he works with 15.
15 has a very laid back demeanor and a gentleness I have not often seen in any kind of equine before. Badger was like this.

Rich feels more in his element while doing work with an equine.

Horse/Equine work, it soothes the soul.

Busy Days, Family and Friends.

Our mornings usually start off pretty quiet.

I have some time early to myself. I have my cup of coffee and go over my list of 'things to do today'.

The medical aspect of dealing with a hospital stay can be a bit bizarre. Rich had a monitoring device implanted into his chest above his heart before we left the hospital. I'd told them I thought the Holter Monitor would work best. They said this little device could really find out "perhaps" what was causing his strokes.

The tech from the hospital called me the next day to help me set things up. Um. Uh oh. The base unit that does the transmitting needs cell service. I'd questioned that earlier but they assured me it would be fine.
Finally I talked to Medtronics and their tech person told me to try one window after another after another.
Then she informed me that they use AT&T or Team Mobile.
I let her know that cell phone coverage in the "Ocooch Mountains" and Driftless region was spotty at best. PLUS AT&T did not provide coverage here.
Her answer: Oh you best call your provider.

I called the GLHP tech.
This conversation became very bizarre.

Her: Can you talk the monitor and your husband someplace we can get a reading?

Me: Isn't the purpose of the monitor to take readings while he is asleep or walking around in the yard to check for irregularities?

Her: Well, yes but if you could take your husband and the monitor someplace so we could get a reading???

Me: So you are asking me to put my husband in our car and drive around to look for cell service and knock on someone's door and ask to plug my device in ... I drifted off. I was hoping she would see how silly that sounded.

Her: Oh my. Well. That won't work at all will it?

Me: No that will not work at all. Has the doc's at GLHP considered people who live in rural areas in the Coulee Region who won't have cell coverage in the valleys either?

Her: Silence. Then, I need to talk to the doctors.

Me: Indeed. You can call back and leave a message.

I hang up in slight disgust. Doctors. So eager to use a new high tech 'toy' they forgot to see if it would actually work in our cell tower starved area.

Well. Onward.

The phone rings again.
I see GLHP on the ID and pick it up.
It is a nurse.
Her: Is Richard Ewing there?
Me: Yes, he is outside a neighbor has brought hay.
Her: I need to speak to him.
Me: You can't.
Her: Well I am calling to follow up on his hospital stay.
Me: Then you know he has Aphasia and talking is not something he can do very well right now.
Her: Oh. Well I don't have authorization to speak to you.
Me: Well. I guess then I will just speak at you and you can listen.
Her: You are his wife?
Me: Yes
Her: I am one of his nurses, I met you on the floor.
Me: Then you know I signed POA, left you the Living Will, and the HIPPA permission forms.
Her: I can't find that info right now.
Me: Then just be quiet and I will tell you how my husband is doing. You don't need HIPPA to listen.
Eventually she did ask some pointed questions and I answered them. Our conversation ended with ... "We need a form allowing us to speak to you directly on the form signed."
I replied that "They needed to find my POA forms along with the other forms, pronto."

I went outside while Rich took a nap to mow some yard and do some stock watering.
Morris supervised from the porch.

When I got back inside Rich was up and sitting at the table.
He had the phone in his hand.

After a bit I got just enough information that the VA in Madison had called and he had another appointment added on some day.
He couldn't recall who he talked to or what day it was. His mind at this time is still stuck on Saturday as the day of the week. Every day is Saturday that is until we go to the calendar and look at it.

Last night our friends from Kenosha came. We plan on a work weekend and visit. But last night we just sat out on the porch and enjoyed the night sounds.

We love our friends and family and cannot thank them enough for their continued support and help.

New Beginnings

I have a lot of friends and family who are texting, emailing, and inquiring often about how my husband Rich is doing after his stroke.

I was told that if Rich didn't have someone with him 24/7 that he would have to go to 'rehab' until he was able to function at a certain level. Well that was a no brainer for me. He could go to a rehab center for a small amount of time if it was really necessary, but if I was home for him...

Well, I went to my part time job and told them that I couldn't come back. Of course they wanted to talk me out of that. They wanted me to do FMLA. I reminded them that I didn't qualify when he had cancer and I didn't qualify at the current time.

Besides he'd had a severe TIA 2 years ago and now experienced a very serious stroke. If I had left for a shift at 2:30 in the morning, I would have missed the early signs and his stroke would have left him perhaps on the floor for up to 14 hrs, until I returned from work. I don't care to think about what that scenario may have played out like.

Our days ahead will be full of challenges. 

I can conclude that I am married to a most amazing person. I considered moving the details and stories of this to The Long Road, which was the blog I used to detail our experiences with Throat Cancer. 

However everything that we are now doing effects our farm, the animals, our way of everyday life in a rural area. It has in one moment changed my life for a long time.

I am not complaining.

So I will continue mixing up my blog with whatever interests me for the day.

Currently I am now no longer employed. I had been thinking about leaving that job within the next year anyway. The hours were all over the map which were becoming difficult for me to handle. I was sure that having no patterns of good sleep would begin to affect my health.

Not having bizarre hours has already shown me that I can handle being more patient with MY patient and husband. I don't need to get a large list of things done in a very specific amount of time so that I can rush off to work.
When Rich wanted to have breakfast, or he wanted to go over what day it was, I had to stop what I was doing and sit down with him. Communication on one subject may take us 45 minutes to resolve. 

I can see that I am going to have to pick up a white board today to help with our talks. 
We have worked out that he wants to talk to people on the phone but didn't want to risk sounding stupid because of his language issues.

We came up with a simple solution. Phone calls are made with the handset on speaker phone. When he gets stuck on a word, he can look to me for help. That experiment worked out wonderfully yesterday.

He talked to his mom, his daughter, and in the evening, we called my son Ed and his wife.
Something as simple as a phone conversation helped him immensely with his attitude and self confidence.

Yesterday afternoon he got into his skid steer and drove it around. He stuck to some basic things like offloading some round bales. These are things he has done for years and I think the muscle memory is there. 

I didn't want him to do it, but he was able to get in safely and out safely. His balance seems to be pretty good.

When he went into the sloppy muddy calf pen and decided to climb out of the skid steer and move the hay feeder, I about lost my mind. The doctors and nurses had said NO heavy lifting, and to TAKE it easy for at least a week or so...
I climbed the gates and slopped through the muck which tried to pull of my boots and lost my temper. He looked straight at me and waved me off like a pest.

Last night we had a discussion about what he had done. He still forgets that he had brain surgery. 

However. Let me say that our quiet moments sitting together on the porch were nice. He called Morris over and petted him and fussed over him. We watched the sun begin to set and held hands.

And so ended our first day home together.