Dreams

 I rarely remember dreams. Usually if I have a disturbing dream, I just wake up and know it was a dream.

However, I had the most realistic and terrifying dream the other night and it bothered me for 24 hours.

I was sitting in an airport and I looked down at my ticket I had in my hand. I knew I was travelling somewhere but Raleigh was not familiar to me. I looked at the departure board and couldn't decide if I was going to Raleigh North Carolina, or should I be going to Raleigh in W. Virginia. I knew if I was flying east it should be to Charlottesville if anywhere. At least I thought so.

In my other hand was a folder with pictures of people in it. I carefully studied the photos and I didn't recognize any of the folks. No matter how hard I looked, nothing was familiar. In my other hand the ticket said Raleigh. The flight board didn't have any Raleigh showing.

Now I was confused. Where was I going and who were the people I had photos of?

People were walking around me and I didn't know want to look as though I were lost or confused so I just kept my head down.

The feeling of dread and anxiety just kept getting worse until I was ready to flee.

I woke up.

I got up and went to sit in the living room. I knew it was a dream. But where was I going and WHO were those people? What was up with Raleigh? Why would I even remember that? Those people! Just strangers!

I made coffee and sat down to have my first cup. 

It hit me then. What I had been feeling and the whole dream scenario would possibly be just like what it could be to have Dementia.
It was terrifying. So terrifying that the feeling of loss and confusion over something I should know [even though it was a dream] hung with me all day.

I can't imagine living in that world and coming in and out of memory issues like that. However, I have seen it more than once in my life dealing with elderly folks I know.

Can you imagine it?

-- Well if that wasn't a bummer, I don't know what is.

Oh wait! I have a diversion!
The new motor that was replaced in the heater started making noise again. Enough so that it gave me a headache and I returned to the space heaters for blissful silence on this 2 degree morning.

So the $$$ I spent lasted exactly 6 days. I expect that perhaps that motor was only part of the issue? Just call me a bit disappointed and frustrated. 

Rules are meant to be....

 Broken!

Well, not really. 

My husband suffers from memory problems along with other issues. But he inquired about a game we used to play the other night. After a bit, I realized he was talking about Backgammon.

I'd put that game away as we tried it a couple of years ago and he couldn't figure out what to do and was always frustrated with trying to count and move his pieces.

I decided to use another tactic. I set up the pieces and we started. 

As we played I did not correct the miscounts or mistakes made in moving the pieces. It didn't happen a lot but I didn't see the point of making comments on it.

There was a few times when I could have bumped his pieces out and won the game, however I played carefully and decided not to take that advantage. When he was stumped on where to move pieces, I pointed out advantageous moves and he was pleased.

The interaction during the game was more important than the game itself. He was cracking jokes, smiling, and teasing me all along the way. I loved it.

This was better than time spent staring out the window.

We did this two nights in a row with the same effect. Laughter, joking, smiling, and engaging conversation. I'm hoping this will be sort of a thing we can do more often after supper.

We used to play the game quite a bit. We'd play 3 games with winner's choice of whatever we had decided on before hand. Sometimes it was who would do chores, or what we'd do for the day. The games were intense back then.

Now? Who cares if the dice are miscounted and the other half wins? 

The laughter is so much more valuable than a win.

Possible

Our greatest strength
lies in the
gentleness and tenderness
of our heart.
~Rumi

Some days I have to reach out and grab hold of that compassion that I know I do have. 

Today was interesting. There was a huge urgency to find a washer to put on the hose that attached to the hydrant. It leaked when he turned it on and suddenly the world would end if we didn't find one. 

I said that I would fix it [I did by walking over to the hydrant and unscrewing the hose and then screwing it back on.]

But it became vital that I find a tiny pack of rubber washers. 

Rich fought for the words to explain what he wanted. His stroke and some of his other brain issues make it very hard for him to communicate sometimes. 

It is difficult for him. Though I generally understand what he wants.

A frenzied search ensued to no avail.

I offered to pick up a new little pack while in town the next time. That would NOT do. Somewhere in one of the sheds was a tiny 'thing' with little red things in it that were for the hoses. 

Finally, he was out of breath and out of energy from his Big Hunt in the old shed. 

I fixed the hose by resetting it and then cleaned the deck of the mower.

Rich went in to lay down and put on his CPAP with 02. Whenever he is frustrated he lays down for a nap. If his 02 is low, he naps. This is just how it is.

He came out later to put the deck back together. I went to put the scraper away along with a couple of other tools.

When I returned Rich was looking at the mower and the deck with hands on his hips.

I asked how I could help and he quietly said, "I don't...well. It doesn't make sense to me to go back...up...and this..." He stopped as some confusion crossed his face. "I know...this.." 

I waited. He studied the mower as if seeing it for the first time in ages.

I asked about the blocks of wood he always used in this operation of sliding the mower deck back on and putting the belt back on. He shrugged. I lifted the deck [thank you CrossFit!] and asked him to slide the blocks in place. 

Finally, just about done, he said he needed to climb on board to pull the deck up with the handle.

He was way too wobbly for that so I did it. 

Then the rain started and I looked out at the yard. It needed mowing but I guess it would wait now.

Be tender, be kind. Make each day possible.