Catch up here...

 

For those who don't follow my  'The Long Road' blog which covers a totally different subject than what is found here I am taking a break from a lot of my fun exploring and photography fun.

Rich entered Hospice Care in March of this year and we've had one heck of a good summer fulfilling his Hospice Wish List. You've read often about Steve, Rich's fishing pal who has made weekly adventures possible for Rich and I.

Things changed over the Labor Day weekend and Rich took a huge down turn. Let's just say that my time outdoors has come to a screeching halt as I tend to hubby. He was placed on the 'Active Dying List'. We had a short 24 hr rebound and now are going through the rest of the process.

So I will be absent here for a bit, but filling in updates over 'there'. Writing about an experience has always been a cathartic exercise for me. It is no different for what is going on now. 

Things are quiet and peaceful here. 

The photo above was taken about 10 years ago with hubby riding out on a bluff with our mule Fred in the Spring when we were 'shed' hunting.

I'll leave it at that.

What a great visit!

 

Night out on the rock.
Dennis and I went up on Black Hawk rock to watch the sun set. While we were up there, we noticed storms moving in from the west and north.

July 4th morning was hot and humid but our CrossFit gang met up at the track to do the Loredo WOD in honor of Edwardo Loredo.

6 rounds of

24 air squats
24 push ups
24 walking lunges

400meters run

for time....

This is Dennis and I before we started. Our gym folks are always so open and welcoming. One of the coaches had her youngsters with her. 

This is two of the girls doing the running part on the track. I'm running with one of the girls who is doing the workout in her new cowboy boots.

I had told Dennis before we started, that this was a tough cardio work out and it was warm and humid. There was no shame in walking the 400 meters. Many did, just to keep from getting overheated.

Hard to do when a 6 year old passes you by wearing cowboy boots!

We gathered for a group photo afterwards.

Dennis said he loved it even though he wasn't able to finish it. He went out too hard and fast and used up all he had on the first few rounds. 

Our coach who owns the gym sat with Dennis and they talked about body building and cardio benefits. Josh is an amazing fellow. Dennis felt a bit defeated by not finishing. He and Josh had a heart to heart and Dennis felt nothing but positive vibes with this experience. 

Later in the day, Dennis learned how to drive the 4 wheeler and volunteered to do chores.

He discovered that Charlie wouldn't let him go anywhere without his supervision!

He spent a lot of time with Grandpa Rich even though hubby wasn't feeling well. He even convinced him to put on his Mule Kicker hat and have a 'set' on the porch for some photos.

And of course, there was time to stretch out in the cool air inside...

...with a bit of giggling.
However, Charlie was very serious about taking a nap!

Dennis took me to Viroqua to see the 4th of July Fireworks. He knew of the best place to park and put out lawn chairs from all the years that he'd gone as a kid with his Great Grandmother and folks.

We sat down and enjoyed ice cream sundaes. 

And watched the show...

Before leaving to go back home, Dennis and Charlie had to have some quiet time together.

I'm going to miss my Chauffer and chore master!

Dennis didn't seem too anxious to leave and vowed that he'd come back for more adventures.

It was his first solo trip to Grandpa and Grandma's house and he loved it.

He is a very considerate young man with a lot of empathy for others. He said he really hoped his visit lifted his Grandpa's spirits even if he wasn't feeling the greatest.

And yes, it did!

[As it did mine!]

For fun, the lighter side of things

My hubby is the man who loved auctions and one who could never turn down a 'good' deal for 'good' stuff. Eventually I realized he was a 'collector'.

So often I'd come home from work and find him unloading his latest prizes.

Him: Hey Sweetie! Look what I got for you today at an auction!

Me [subdued voice]: Um, gee, just what I want. Used pots and pans? I don't even like to cook!

Another time.

He comes home and starts to pull boxes out of the truck bed chatting excitedly about the deals he got. I watch as he starts to pile them up in the garage next to our saddles and bridles. I realize there is not going to be room to park in the garage ever again.

Him: I got you another gift! 

Me: Oh how wonderful a box of 30 white coffee cups! For $2!

One time he came home with a trailer full of metal pipes and another trailer. He was always going to scrap things out. He never has. But he still contends that those pipes and piles of other things are valuable. No amount of begging to have it removed or sold has ever worked.

Then something would break at the farm and he'd go scrounge in his piles of 'stuff' and come up with a way to fix that broken thing. 

Him: See, that is why I have all this good stuff!

Me [cringing]: Of course dear.

Need a 5/16th wrench? There's a bucket of 10 in the shed!
Need hoses for watering? I have 100's of feet of them hanging in two sheds.
Need nails? I have buckets and smushed cardboard boxes of them.
Need barbed wire? Metal fence posts?
Tires for hay wagons?
Scrap metal to weld?
How about a lawn mower or toilet? 
Parts to a hay wagon rack?

Darnit! Why do we only have one single hammer? How could that even be possible?

Him: Sweetie! Look what I got you at auction! Dish Towels!

Me[smacks forehead]: Oh thank you honey, what a prize that is!

I will have to admit though, I've never had to really buy dishtowels. They are ugly colored and mismatched but who cares? Though I have bought a few nice ones to put out when company comes.

Those coffee cups? I did take two into the house. They are the same type that are used in restaurants. They are a nice size and weight. 

My husband was a very talented welder and manufacturer of things needed for a farm. He could make a hay loader for nearly any piece of equipment. He could fit an Olive loader on an Allis Tractor. At one time he could tear down a tractor engine and put it back together.

He once took apart 3 old manure spreaders and put them back together to make a working one.

I smile as I look out at all of his unfinished projects. Sometimes the 'stuff' really bothers me and then I realize I am looking at the history of my husband. All the projects he had in his head and ideas for things. His ideas were good. He just rarely completed them.

Many nights I think about how many auctions I'll need to have at the farm to clean it all up. Surely there is another fella just like my hubby who would marvel and drool over all the Good Stuff we have.

Waiting

 

I'm not good at sitting and waiting. And then wondering and waiting.

This morning Rich told me his oatmeal was bad, it didn't taste right. I poured him some of my strong coffee and he sipped it. I asked how it was. He said it didn't taste right either.

Normally if I don't add water to the pot and make the coffee much weaker, he has a fit. He ate and drank his coffee, took his meds, and I approached him about seeing a doctor. 

I told him that his returning fever and the lack of taste and possibly smell [he said he was congested and couldn't smell anyway], along with body aches, extreme fatigue and struggles with 02 were pretty damning for the dreaded Covid. Or at least a reason to be tested. Perhaps it was just URI and a doctor could make things more comfortable for him.

He said he didn't want to go stay in a hospital. He knows what that scenario is like. He'd be alone without anyone. I agreed. So I called the VA Triage Line and am now waiting on a Triage Nurse to call back. The VA has a protocol for things like this. If it isn't an ambulance call or severe enough, they will fight the local ER regarding treatment. I've been through this for 24 years. They will want me to transport him 89 miles one way. I will plead my case for a 10 mile drive.

I will never forget what he said next. 
'So I should die at home.' 
I replied, 'Let's not jump the gun.'

'So where did I get it? You? Charlie? Did you let people pet Charlie that day you took a walk? They gave it to him, he gave it to me.'

After putting him back to bed and hooking up the CPAP, I sat down and did my 'contact' tracing.

The only persons I had contact were with
Two humans who briefly touched Charlie, 12-4
the checkout person at the store on 12-8
the FedEx guy who handed me a package and we briefly talked because it was dark and I had to show him where to turn around, 12-10 
distance hiking outdoors with Bill, 12-11....

Can you imagine the guilt I and the amount of anxiety I am suddenly inundated with? How did he even get sick if it is just a respiratory infection? What did I do wrong?

What if?

What...

if...

I do live with a man who is health compromised in the first place. Last year we wouldn't have questioned it much. We would have assumed it was a bad cold and respiratory infection. He has not been sick [nor have I] in years. 

I dropped him off at the local ER. Here is the difficult part. No spouse admittance, I could 'go do errands and shopping' or go home. The nurse was nice about it as she unloaded Rich in the ambulance bay. I wanted to point out to her how ridiculous 'go shopping' sounded in this day and age. She was just being kind and saying what was a common saying a year or so ago.

I told her I'd wait for a first impression and report by telephone in the parking lot. I did.

A Covid test will be done, chest x-rays, blood tests, the usual poking and prodding. I could expect an update in about 3 hours.

So now I am home doing laundry carrying my cell phone as if it is a life line.

Waiting...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Update....Phone call from the nurse.
We will be admitting your husband here. There are no beds available at the VA.

Let's parse that out. No beds.

Me: What is the diagnosis?
Nurse: 99% positive Covid-19. We have given him....

I listened to what their plan of action for the moment was.

Me: Then I should be quarantined. Should I be tested?
Nurse: Quarantined yes. Tested no. You have not shown any signs correct?

Nurse: We will update you when he is put in a room and when we get the final labs back.
Me, quietly: Okay.

Hangs up phone.

Primal Screaming really scares Charlie. Maybe I should do it outside.

Veteran's Day

Not much to say today. 

There is a lot going on in the news and I need to sort that out yet today with some strong coffee.

It is Veteran's Day which my husband largely likes to ignore. He is of the Vietnam Era and believes all the nice things said to him now are a bit too late. That sounds so bitter, but this is his way.

He has been a good and sometimes difficult person to have as a husband, however, I am happy to have had these years with him.

These are some photos from the past.

Rabbit and Bear

For a while Rabbit and Bear had disappeared from my photography.

Rabbit and Bear have returned.

[It is how I help deal with what is happening to Rich.]

Depression is an ongoing thing. It takes the smile away from the person I have laughed with and shared jokes with. The prankster has gone away, I haven't seen him in such a long time. Smiles are rare.

My sweet love is encased in something intangible, untouchable. There is no way to reach through that barrier and pull him through.

So I sit with him in the morning while he has his coffee and watch him look out the window. I ask him what he sees and he blinks slowly and looks at me as if I just appeared from another dimension.

He answers: I am Nowhere.

As if Nowhere is a place.

His mind and body aches and hurts. He walks as though there is a crushing weight on him. 

This is how it is. 

I can't make him better. 

This is the story behind Rabbit and Bear.

Him and Me: A Dialogue for Crazy

So when the 'new' basement was put in, I moved some things down there to store them.

I quickly realized that the basement was going to need a dehumidifier. On warm days moisture would show up enough to make those items I stored for the duration of construction smell musty.

Me: "Honey,we are going to need a dehumidifier down here."

Him: "No, let's just see how things work out after they insulate."

So a month passed. On days that got warm the concrete floor would dampen in certain areas. The plastic milk crate of items I'd stored on the floor under the steps that contained items such as Murphy's Oil Soap and other cleaners all had moisture on them.

Me: "Look honey, we need a dehumidifier!"
Him: "It just needs to get used to the temperature, then it will be fine."

I brought up some items I'd stored. Potholders. They had mildew on them. 
I took them over to the trash can and said:

"Honey, I THINK we need a dehumidifier in the basement!"

Him: "Oh just wash them up and they will be fine."

I dumped them in the trash.

Then came some extremely humid and hot days. The humidity outside went up into the 80's and maybe 90%.

Oh you guessed it.

Me: "Honey. We. Need. To. Dehumidify the basement or what we have down there will be ruined. Ruint!"

Him: "We looked at dehumidifiers while we were at Menards and they are expensive!"

Me [smacking forehead]: "Yes they may cost a bit of money but I guess it is cheaper to use a dehumidifier than to replace everything I plan on putting in the basement. Or have stored already in the basement."

Him [going down the basement stairs to stare at the damp floor]: "I dunno."

Me: "I do. I'll pick one up today."

Fast forward. 
We take the new dehumidifier down the stairs and he opens the box.
Him: "Looks kinda small."
Me: "Want me to return it and buy the really expensive one?"
Him: "No."

He struggles to put the caster wheels on and then mutters some curses. I walk over to the box and take out the instructions and read them to him.

Him: "Go get my glasses."
I return with his glasses and he peers at the casters and then snaps them in place.
I refrain from saying. "Perhaps you should use your glasses more often!"

He plugs it in. The digital read out blips and then goes dark.
A bit of cursing.

I point to the Power Button.
He pushes it.
It turns on and the read out says 76.

Him: "What does that mean?"
Me [I read from the manual]: "The digital read out tells you the current humidity in the room. You can use a timer, a delayed timer, or if you wish you can leave it run with a hose attached so you will not have to empty the tray."

Him: "Timer what? I don't want it timed!"

I think calmly about ripping out my hair. Instead I reach for the broom nearby and sweep up some sawdust that the contractors left behind.

Me: "Hmmm, looks too damp yet to sweep up."

Him: "But I don't want it to run on a Timer, how much time is it on?"
Me: "There is the Timer Button, is it off or on?"
Him: "I don't know, where are my glasses?"

Me: "In your pocket. And..." [I hand him the manual] "here are the instructions."

I leave him to stare at the Mystical New Machine that we now have in our little basement addition.
It hums quietly and sucks mildewy moisture out of the room.
It befuddles my husband who stands for about 20 more minutes watching it.

I'm not sure what he expected it to do.
Run off?
Spew water?
Make Magical Unicorn Dust?

As I get to the top of the new stairs the urge is just too much.
I flip off the lights.

Him: "Hey!"
Me: "Oh. Sorry!"
I flip the lights back on and walk into the kitchen with a big smirk on my face.

Snow!

Our first snow storm this year was a doozy.

First we had a nice dose of sleet and freezing rain along with winds.

Then came the snow/sleet.  At times it was blowing sideways.

It made the trees creak and moan.  It made me a bit nervous.
I helped hubby get the rest of the ice piks on his skid steer tracks and clean off some of the frozen mud.

The first order of business was to make sure everyone had lots of access to hay and heated water.  Mustang Sally and Crickett chose to stand and watch me unwrap a large round bale.
They could have gotten out of the winds but thought I was more interesting.

Then, after all animals were checked and tended too, my super Hero Hubby started to plow.

I walked up to the top of the ridge to get the mail and check on road conditions....

Not very great and the visibility was awful.  I'm glad I had my snow goggles on.

And then came the super hero with the skid steer!

I cannot say how grateful I am to have such a wonderful guy in my life!  Well, okay I am grateful to have a husband who loves to plow the driveway.  He even does it in the worst of weather.

Which it was at the time.  After we finished with chores and had BBQ for supper we sat quietly together in the living room and listened to the winds howl above us on the ridge.  The snow came down and the sleet pounded the house.

But we were content and tired.

And that was our first real snow of the season.