One of THOSe dayzz

 

This is how you feel after talking with your loved one and trying to get them to do some hygienic stuff. 

I can recall when I was a little kid. I tried negotiations with my mom regarding washing up and taking baths. Baths were a really UN-favorite thing to do. I once asked mom if we could just skip baths and brushing of the teeth. Maybe I could just do it once a month? I'd be a really good kid for her if she allowed this deal to go through. I mean come on, if I got washed up I'd just get dirty again so what was the point?

Yes, he doesn't feel good. Yes he has low energy, but ....

I leave it at that. Some battles have to be fought over and over before one gets a result.

It's okay, really

 

This was a week of appointments and craziness.

Rich was tested in Pulmonary Therapy with regards to the six minute walk. He actually did pretty well. His gait was very slow and he did have to rest for a full minute after 4 minutes of walking. He was using O2. 
He agreed to coming to PT 3 times a week.

We traveled to Madison to see a Urology specialist who did some testing [I'll spare you the details]. Only to find out that what Rich was experiencing was pretty normal for someone of his age and his medical concerns.

I should have understood that this was a warning of sorts. We headed home and he was furious. He was sure that the doctor would 'fix' the problem instead of telling him that he needed more exercise and more walking. His legs are pumps, if the pumps don't get used the fluid builds up and at night and that causes more problems. [Okay, it is more complicated than that. But let's leave it at that.]

The next day was a phone consult with his Mental Health provider. Those phone visits every two months for the past two years are harbingers of Foul Moods and Anger. Rich generally says very little. The provider asks him how things are going and Rich answers his same answer each time. 

The Same. Nothing Changes. 

The more the MH provider tries to talk with him the worse he gets. 

You aren't making anything better. Nothing Changes. 
I want to be better.

I know that the MH provider does not have a magic wand and he does not have the ability to find a magical pill. 

Finally the provider informed him that he was leaving the VA. This created an outburst of anger that was a bit more intense. 

Generally the provider asks if I am there and we go to speaker phone. But with the foul mood Rich was in it didn't happen.

The provider did try and explain things and I could see that none of it was connecting. Rich argued that he did NOT want to come to Madison to see who he was supposed to see next.

When Rich hung up he was very angry. 

He wants me to see something about Aging and something. Old people something?

We are aging, I told him. The referral would actually make sense. He has reached a point in his illness[s] that his medical conditions will not get better. He knew that but knowing it is different than acknowledging it. 

I asked again who was he getting referred to?

I don't know. Something about Old People. 

I tried to tell him that this made sense as he was considered aged and someone who worked with older veterans might be able to help him.

This explanation hit a brick wall of Fury. 

I did what I can only do. I got up and left the house to work in the garden. No sense in fighting a wall.

Eventually he came out. I'd washed the mower deck on the Clipper and he had to flip the deck back up. I tried to help him, but as usual the deck wasn't cooperating because we don't have a good level spot to park it.

He got angry again and decided to heck with it all and he'd drive the Clipper around until the deck behaved.

When I motioned for him stop he started to yell at me. I explained that dragging the deck was not going to make it suddenly behave. He revved the engine and backed up digging up gravel from the driveway.

That was it. I threw up my hands and walked away. He tried to holler at me to 'get back here.' I waved goodbye and kept walking. 

Somedays there is no sense in arguing or being calm, cool, and collected. All of that was out the window by this time. 

I was close enough to see if he got into medical trouble, but far enough away to be removed from the situation.

However.

This must have been an improvement in daily activity as he had gone outside to put the mower back together. Granted, it took 3 days to get the job done in small bits. 

But....

By supper time everything must have been hunky dory. [Is that even a word?] He was back to being a pleasant person.

I know I need someone to come and give me a break. That is evident. However.

Our county suffers like many other places in the lack of available people.

CareGivers Nightmare!

We got a summons for Jury Duty for my husband with a note that said if there were concerns to call the clerk's office.

I'd filled out the form indicating my husband's health/memory/and mobility issues for them over a month or so ago. I talked to the clerk who rolled her eyes and took it from me. Her comment was "We'll look at it."

They didn't. So I called and she indicated that the only way they would accept the fact that a housebound veteran was unable to serve was with a doctor's note faxed to them.

Puuuuhhhhhleeeese. 

Roll my eyes. For real?

I consider this scenario. Bring hubby in with his 02.

I would hand over instructions asking for a nurse to be at his side to monitor his 02 levels and set up his nebulizer 3 times a day. I'd need a nurse or deputy to handle his medications that are taken every two to three hours. [Pain meds are in there so I'd need to know I could trust said nurse or deputy.]

I'd give instructions on getting him to the washroom right away and to have a nurse or deputy make sure he was able to finish. I'd provide them with clean clothes and adult diapers for accidents in case they take too long to get him to the washroom.

There would also need to be a person to help him understand the words people were saying because it doesn't always compute after his stroke.

By the way, do they have a cot for him to lay down on? He can generally stay awake for about 2 to 3 hours before he has to lay down. 

I'd have to bring his concentrator and CPAP and have someone familiar with Respiratory Therapy to set it up. 

If it would be disruptive to the court proceedings, I guess that would be their issue. 

They could call for a ride when he is finished and sit with him until I arrived to pick him up because he is unable to drive or find his way home [11 miles out of town]

Instead, I messaged the case worker on his Palliative Care Team and she informed me she'd ask for a letter and then email it to me to print out and give to the Clerk. They will not fax because of HIPPA, but I can take it to them as his health agent.

I imagine a lot of folks try to get out of Jury Duty. I enjoyed the two times I've done it over the years. And I get it. They have to be tough on asking for jurors and it is our job as citizens to serve. 

Our county is well known for not bending at all. I assume lots of people make up excuses. 

I am even wondering if the letter handed to them by ME would even suffice. 

As caring people, we are almost used to a problem coming out of blue to muck things up.  It isn't much different than being a mother, except we are a mother to another adult.

Roll with the flow they say.

Hopefully, this will deal with the Juror issue. 

Chilled out

 

Our nightly visitors keep appearing just behind the outhouse and hear the north pasture. When I shot these photos the camera sensed everything as 'blue' and I guess the snow would reflect that just after sunset. I shot these through two panes of glass and set the camera on Auto to see what would happen.

The ISO went to 6400 and the photos are a bit grainy, but dang! It wasn't so bad! Cameras sure have come a long way. I shot these with my cheapo used long lens and still, I am impressed. 
These are the same fawns as I did the artsy fartsie stuff too but on a different evening.

The deer are coming to our weedy area behind the outhouse because the meadows and the forest are fairly deep in snow. There is easier pickins right here. As browsers, they don't stay long. But right now just as the sun sets they appear.

I call out to hubby to let him know the visitors are descending from the woods above and he turns off whatever he is watching and stands at the back door. He counts them out to me and provides a narrative while I do whatever I am busy with in the kitchen.

With wind chills as nasty as they are and a busy schedule with Video interviews, I have decided to give up even thinking of going out for anything other than providing warm water to those who don't have a heated water tank, and feeding those birds.

I went to clean up my spare room and sort some things and ended up messing around with ... well...

Guess who's coming for dinner?

Remember this song? 

Ten in Bed

there were ten in bed 

and the little one said

roll over

so they all rolled over 

and one fell out

there were nine in bed

and the little one said...

I have no idea why that song came to my head when I was gathering all these tiny Teddy Bears together...but it did.

I needed to distract my mind with something else after organizing the toys and art supplies.

So I spread out my old maps.

I'm thinking of a warmer day when I can get back on the trails. 

And I got this in the mail, very appropriate.

-17 F tonight with gusting south winds?

Saturday is the new date for the kids and I to hit the ice caves in the morning. After this week, I'd feel like anything above zero is warm and any time outside with others would be welcome.

Adulting is
sometimes tough...

Caregivers workshop

 Caregivers workshop....

some bulletin points to ponder and share with you.

• We never expected to be Caregivers.
• We did not apply for the job.
• We never trained for this job.
• We are sometimes angry.
• We may feel guilty about being angry.
• We chose to be Caregivers.
• We can walk away but we don't.
• We are often stressed.
• We all know that caregiving can bring a lot of joy to our lives.

Problem solving is part of our class for this week. I won't share conversations about it, but there seem to be many people out there that are giving care but are having such a hard time coping due to poor health themselves along with the person they are caring for.

I am so very lucky in the sense I seem to be in very good health. The hardest thing to deal with right now of course is Isolation and Communication. Also there is dealing with the frustrations of trying to get the person I care for to follow instructions to keep his health halfway decent. Every three or four days we seem to run into that same problem over and over. I'd had to see a medication change because of it but it may be what would be in store for him.

The morning's discussions are lost by noon or 1pm gone into mental greyspace. But in general, he is a happy person. That is why I don't want to change the meds.

Yesterday I was getting ready to order our winter hay and he decided that he would shop around. I told him that he had until Monday to find someone who would bring us 30 large squares and deliver them. I know he won't call around but I have to at least give him the chance to hold on to his dignity.

He forgot of course.

On a good note, I'm getting him used to the idea that there are a few things I need to have fixed around the place and my neighbor's son has been working as a 'handy' man. New belts on the lawn mower? Maybe I can hire it done. Fix the kitchen sink? Perhaps I can get a new 'cartridge' installed by hiring it done. IF it can be done on a nice day with the windows open and masks of course.

Problem Solving. 

Yup, I'm on it...

Away away...

Google Maps and directions said that it would take two hours and thirty minutes to Eau Claire.

It felt strange to set out on an adventure to a place I'd never been and to meet a person who I didn't really know. Well, she is married to one of my cousins so we just call each other cousin.
It started in the fall when I received a package from Jeanette with a letter.

An unexepected surprise...

I called Jeanette and we talked for quite a while on the phone. We decided to meet up after the holidays and get together. Both of us are CareGivers and we thought it would be fun to schedule a break. 

Well suffice to say that Winter became a daunting barrier for any get together. But finally our planned weekend worked out and we were able to meet up.

Eau Claire is a stunning Wisconsin city with beautiful parks and trails everywhere. On one side of the river the buildings rose glistening and stunning. On the other side of the river we walked along small Victorian homes with no road in front of them to block the river's view. College kids were everywhere on skateboards, bicycles, and foot. We watched one young man with ear buds on dance as he walked. While we were on the bridge above the river a woman dressed in a business suit and walking shoes glided past us and met up with a man sitting on a bench. We watched a young lady try to execute a couple of fancy jumps with roller skates ... and fail. 

Wow. I'm getting ahead of myself. Our first day was spent exploring Eau Claire. We got lost but my Garmin saved the day. We spent some time walking through a mall and window shopping. We talked.
And we talked.
and..
we
talked.
So much time had passed in our lives that we had years and years to catch up on. A history of our own lives, that of our children, our grand children...our family members...well that list seemed endless. We ended up being quite surprised that suddenly it was 1am.

We decided to go to sleep and begin our day with a good breakfast across the street and a hike in Carson Park. 

So when we found Carson Park we decided to just take off and start walking. We talked about the how we ended up here. We talked about my parents and my father. I am so surprised at how all of my cousins I've spoken to have such wonderfully fond memories of my father. They loved Tom, he was such a kind man and so interesting.
Of course that subject came up as I pulled my camera out of my backpack and took some snaps of our walk.

 Below~ Paul Bunyan Logging Camp Museum

Thank goodness for Smart Phones. Neither one of us were familiar with good places to eat or places to walk.  We looked these items up on our phones and then followed Miss Garmin to the locations.

I got to speak to Jeanette's husband and was so surprised to hear that David had the same Midwestern twang I'd admired when he was a teen...and that belly laugh from deep down under was the same.

We checked out of the motel and headed to the restaurant across the street. We talked more over breakfast and eventually we both decided that we'd both have to go back to our homes.

However we made tentative plans for another visit in July. We are going to try and do an informal get together of the cousins. 

It seems we did well with our planning for our initial meet up. Winter storm warnings have been issued all across the state. We are both safely home and back to our CareGiving duties.

I'm watching the snow cover the green grass as I finish up typing this....

When I Retire....

I had a dream of retiring when I was in my later 60's and had worked much longer.

Hold the horses! Hubby's stroke put a quick end to my part time job that paid so so very well. However it was a double edged sword, the pay was great. The hours were awful. Midnight shifts, 12 hour shifts, shift during the day or night all within the same week. But dang, that money was good and it all went into a savings for our future.

We live lean, don't do shopping sprees, and our main costs were of course the animals on the farm.

So.
I used to drive by the Wellness Center in our town each morning and got a glimpse of people working out early on stationary bikes, treadmills, and other equipment while I was getting fuel at the local gas station.
I told hubby that when I retired, I wanted to be able to go to the gym.

He wrinkled his nose at that and said that I was just fine. ALL that hiking I did surely kept me in tip top shape.

Well. Yesterday I stopped at the new Wellness Center. There are two other gyms in town one a franchise AnyTime Fitness, and another one that boast low prices.

The Wellness Center will cost me more, however, I've had two shoulder surgeries, and one elbow surgery and the WC is connected to the local hospital and the staff are certified Physical Therapists and Certified Trainers.
Besides, they are the only ones in a 60 mile radius that offer CrossFit.

When I went over the cost with Rich I explained that it works out to about $4 per day. His argument?
Waste of money. You are fit.

My argument?
I need a routine outside of the home with folks that I am not a CareGiver for. I need to take care of me and my body to stay mentally fit and physically fit.
I can always BE more fit.

I'm doing it because I used to be crazy about staying in shape. I ran distances for fun, I rode bicycles for long distances for fun...

My father went back to a gym when he was in his 80's to improve leg strength and balance.

CrossFit is new to me.
But now that I am retired? Or semi retired, but working at caregiving, I still need something to do for me.

The flexible hours are pretty incredible too. Sessions are held at 5, 6, 8:30, 11am, and I think at 4pm and 5pm.

Well. Thank you Ed for suggesting this. I visited with them yesterday and start today.
I won't be the oldest person in the group either. There is a woman who is 76 that has been doing this for 7 years!

Ok.
I'm out of here!

Warm weather!

Crocuses from the yard are coming up alongside the tulips and daffodils.

Meanwhile further down the valley in one area.
The Skunk Cabbage has made its appearance. It only grows in one part of the valley.

Lately guys with 4 wheelers have been riding pretty hard through the property. I am assuming that the land holders know that their brother is allowing 4 wheelers to ride all over. The riders must think that the louder their machines are, the better they are?

I sort of have a dislike for the noise and mess they have created. However they are making trails through what used to be nearly impassable places because of the multiflora rose bushes and wild berry bushes.
I will have new trails to walk or ride a mule on only during the weekdays though...

However, this time of year, the soil in the valley is quite delicate. And it makes me very sad to see this.
To me, the destruction is pointless.

Really? What is the point of making a huge trail of mud on such beautiful fertile soil? One big flash flood and ... think of the erosion!

My neighbors and their kids took a hike with me on Sunday. The kids love the creek and enjoy hunting for bones and interesting rocks.

I found Spring Beauties poking up from the soil on a eastern hillside.

When they come up and open they look like this shot below!

I am overjoyed at the prospect of the warm weather for this week. It means the bloodroot should be shooting up along with Trout Lily's in Tainter Hollow.

My CareGiving Duties for my husband and currently my MIL, will keep me from Tainter until at least Thursday.

Spring is coming!

The Talk

Him: You don't want a pup during this weather you need to wait until spring.
Me: Spring is here. Look at the mud and the weather.
Him: Um. Yeah. Okay. I miss him too.

Me: Too soon?
Him: Big Shrug

I show him some dogs that are up for adoption. He smiles. He knows I can't do without a canine underfoot.

For those who want to tell me that Dixie should come in. Let us recall the size of my cottage and the size of Dixie. Dixie has been an outside dog since she was 4 months old. Let it be my decision.
I've had outside dogs for 20+ years. I've never been without an inside dog. My dog life began the summer we brought home a puppy. I could be wrong, but I think it was about 1967? We added a second dog soon after that.
I think the math puts me as a long time dog owner for what? 51 years?

Maybe I should wait. Maybe I shouldn't. I still listen for that pitter patter on the floor.
I still ache to put my hand down and find a cold wet nose.

I still ache to cuss out Morris for getting me up at 4am to go potty and then insist on eating his breakfast. It was irritating, but it was comforting too.

Me: How about this one?
Him: What is it?
Me: A mixed up dog. Young. 10 weeks?
Him: Well.
Me: Look at that ...
Him: Hmmm, looks like this litter had more than one daddy. [they can you know]

A bit later.
Me: Hey, look at this.
Him: What on earth?
Me: Daschund, beagle, and lab or something?
Him: Odd.
Me: Housebroke.
Him: Ugly, kind of.
Me: Yep. That is cool.

I do some research, this 'ugly' dog is being fostered somewhere near by. I fill out the on line application so I can be background checked. The only thing they don't ask of me is to give over my first born son.
I inquire if I can visit the dog. I'd like to meet him. Perhaps it is not a good fit. But at least I would be satisfying curiosity.

I find another two dogs. Housebroke, spade, neutered, up to date on all the...yadda yadda...
Medium sized. Hmmm. Smaller than Dixie. Energetic like Dixie. I put a note to self to email the place to see if I can drive up there. 

We go to bed and lay there talking. His mother and her situation is on our minds. Geographically I am the closest person to help her. Rich can't. But at the same time, I have him to take care of.
This winter has been extremely hard on his well being. He is becoming a bit frail. The COPD, throat cancer, and stroke are not kind to him.
He doesn't want me trying to be his caregiver and his mom's caregiver. Not out of selfishness but out of kindness. He knows how hard it is for me when he has 'episodes'.

He also understands the importance of me being able to hike and exercise for my mental and physical health.
I need to take care of the farm too. The animals need tending.

Which reminds me....looks like a good week for fence mending, fixing, and brush piling.

I may take that drive to look and see.
I may look at the 'ugly' dog.

And I may decide to wait.
Only my heart can decide.