Success

Because I can, I am going to drop a few flower shots on here first.  My morning glories are starting to bloom. The flowers are so brilliant this one was partially open in the downpour we got on Wednesday. Thank goodness for long lenses.

I've planted morning glories in about 4 or 5 places and am enjoying their colors. 

The next two are Love in the Mist.

I really adore the odd shapes of these delicate flowers. The delicate fern like leaves

are just so beautiful.

Meanwhile the moss roses are doing so well. This is my first success at growing them. I spread the seeds in a very large container and waited.  They have not disappointed me at all this year.

Here is a young katydid, I think that was hiding in the moss roses! I almost didn't detect it as it was so well camouflaged.

Well, with the plumber coming any time on Friday, I stayed home for my 'Respite' time. It actually worked out well. When Tammy came [early!], we sat down at our table and we got to know each other for a bit. I told her about the hot water issue.

I decided to do a project that I couldn't do when she wasn't around, like cleaning in the basement. The shop vac makes a lot of noise and I couldn't hear if hubby needed help.

When hubby woke up, she took over and I headed to the basement to purge and clean. Tammy cared for Rich and made Snickerdoodle cookies. 

I helped her familiarize herself with where things were in my kitchen and any other questions she had about cleaning, the commode, laundry, etc. She changed the hospital bed for me and then I showed her how to operate our washing machine.

I lugged 'stuff' out of the basement and dumped it on the porch. More purging. I took out old beat up hunting boots that would never get worn again, cheap snow pants that hubby used ages ago with holes in them.

 
I finally got rid of the chunks of wood that hubby had been saving for 'something' too along with some odd cut small pieces of particle board and plywood. I tossed old hunting sweatshirts that had seen much better days.

 Things that were hanging on pegs in the basement that he'd never use again were purged. None of it was in any condition to be passed on.

I slayed cobwebs with the ShopVac and made sure the area around the questionable water heater was clean and accessible. It was quite the job. I had no interruptions and was able to get the work done efficiently with many trips up and down the stairs and to the back of my Subaru so I could take boxes of stuff to the dump.

Tammy made cookies and did all the things that I normally have to do. Get drinks of water, get a snack, help with this or that. It was like we were working as a team. She had the 'patient' and I had no interruptions.

Her snickerdoodles were amazing. She cleaned up as she went and even changed hubby's bed and made him lunch.  

I finally got to do some of the all the important things that I couldn't get done while caring for hubby.

After lunch, she helped Rich to bed and then asked what else she could do. It was almost her quitting time.

I asked if she could have a seat so we could visit and get to know each other. I had this feeling that she could have a lot of helpful things to share.

She and I are of the same generation. We both grew up in similar ways. We don't let things go to waste. 

She is a grandma that legally adopted her grandkids. She cared for her 'kids' and her husband while he was in Hospice. She had been certified as a Caregiver and has worked in different areas as well as a local Senior Assisted Living place not far from her home. 

We talked a lot about Hospice and our shared experience, also of what she had gone through. We ended up feeling more like kindred spirits. What a relief to know that my feelings, my experiences, my doubts, angst, frustrations, and emotional ups and downs are very normal. We found a sister like bond in our lives.

We had a very interesting conversation that I'll write about later. 

As she was leaving and the Plumber was arriving, I said to her that the most important part of our Respite time together was her support, her experiences and our talk. I didn't feel alone in this journey any more.

It is one thing to read about or share experiences virtually, but to sit down face to face with someone else who has been there and has gone through it is much more valuable.

Paul the Plumber came and tested the heater. He measured the water temp still in the heater at 140 F! That after it being turned off for 24 hours.
He changed the thermostats on the elements and emptied out the scalding water so we could make sure that the water heated to the right temperature.

Charlie adores Paul and sits in the basement to watch Paul work. 

By 2pm, my day was done and I was ready to sit down and read a book. The yard mowing could wait another day.

I considered yesterday as a good day.

Fascinating Day

Yesterday....

It was a regular morning. I had to rush around and get things done to get into town by 8:30 to check in for my Stress Test appointment.

I knew Eric who took me to the room along with Maddie to get me ready. You know, after a certain age and a certain amount of medical procedures, your modesty gets left somewhere else. Eric is a Cardo/Pulmonary person that works in the Heart Center. He helped hubby do his PT a couple of years ago.

Anyway, the putting on of all the leads and stickers on my 'ahem' bare chest went quickly with me joking about modesty of course. A base reading of my heart and BP was taken and then it was time to wait for the echocardiogram lady. The wait was long and Eric apologized a few times. I said I was happy just to sit and wait with no distractions. And that is what I did for a while. I didn't mind the wait at all.

I took my time as a 'time out' from other matters. I listened to the bells across the street at the big stone church ring. I daydreamed. I had a nice time out.

The echo lady came in and apologized for the wait. I shrugged. She said she had to take her time with her previous patient and it took longer than expected. I reminded her that I should thank her because she was doing a very important job. I was content to wait. Without her expertise, how would we get a good look at how my heart worked?

I think she was a bit stunned by my comment. You know, people can be rude when they have to wait. I really did appreciate the work this team was doing. I just wanted to get the go ahead for putting on my hiking shoes!

The bad part of the day was that hubby woke up with my upper respiratory infection showing its ugly face. But since he was going to sleep after having his breakfast, I wasn't too worried. I made an appointment for him in the afternoon to see someone in the clinic. With end stage COPD, you don't mess around with respiratory infections.

The stress test was pretty neat and yep, I got out of breath finally and asked to stop. My chest cold was still giving me grief. No one said a word about 'how' I did, but they are the techs, they can see things but they can't say things.

Off to home I went.

I told hubby I needed to get him something to eat and then we were heading to the clinic to have him looked at. I was met with a fierce NO. HE was not going anywhere, he didn't feel good. I couldn't help but then say, "Well, when you start having real trouble breathing, I'll just call the ambulance and you can ride with them." 

I got a dirty look. I don't care. However, I did bring him his meds, water, and his nebulizer in the bedroom. I even made him lunch and then jello for later on. I know what that cold did to me and I am in pretty good shape.

I told hubby to mark this date on the calendar. "Oh that's right. You are being nice!"

I quipped over my shoulder. "I can't have too many Nice Days in one year. I think maybe 6 times a year?"

Chuckle and cough - cough - hack - cough.

I did quiet things. Folding laundry and piling it in the basket to put away. Then I got out a Lego figure and decided to try to have some fun with the Mime. I couldn't think of what to do so I lined up coffee cups plopped the Mime down, and dribbled coffee grounds around and on him.

Charlie and I sat on the porch and watched the mules sleep in the warm sun. Then I heard Robins. I don't recall if I've heard them this early in the winter before. Perhaps I have. 

I watched the water coming off the hillside and running down through the pasture in a tiny stream. I did some mental calculations. The snow melt on the ridge must be finding its way down the dry runs to the creek.

I walked towards the edge of the fence and listened. I could hear water just faintly running. That meant it was headed for our valley.

I made sure my patient had his meds and Nebulizer on time, then tucked him in and made a mad dash for the valley. 

I simply have NOT missed a snow melt in years. It usually happens a few times, so yes, I have had to work during one or two, but usually caught the second day of the melt run off.

I discovered it by accident in our valley. I mean I knew it happens, but I didn't know how to watch for it and listen for it.

Here is a short video I did with Morris a few years ago. Generally the big melts coming through the snow is more impressive, but I could literally hear this water coming down from 1/8th of a mile away!

2014 March 30th mini flash flood over rocks from the dry run into the creek bed with my Jack Russell Morris. 1:55 seconds long.
It is a bit unsteady at first because I was climbing the boulders trying to see the first bits of water appear.

This morning, I can hear the water running in my neighbor's 'ditch' just down at the end of our winter pasture. I can't wait to go see the water, debris and mud. 

I know. I am a strange one. But yesterday, I had some amazing relaxation time watching the water flow.

Giving Back.

Sometimes I get in a mood and feel a bit down and out. It happens as a Caregiver and it happens around Holidays.
Social Media is not helpul as everyone is posting these great photos of big family get togethers and cheery this ... and cheery that.

Not everything is cheery for some folks during the holidays.

However. Sometimes things happen to pull you out of the dumps.

I pulled the trail cams cards out of the spots where I have them and got this funny video of a nice trophy buck laying down while does trot on by him. This was taken on the second day of hunting season when two neighbors got really nice deer.

 Both neighbors are hunters for the meat and not just trophy hunters. 

I shared this with my young friend Olive on the ridge after she sent a photo of her husband with his beautiful buck.

Yes, I'd photographed the buck her hubby got earlier this year in my meadow. I recognized him. She was worried that I'd be upset and I told her that I'd gotten 'my shot' of him earlier in the year with a long lens, so I was happy for them to have meat for their freezer and a trophy for her husband.

Then I got a text asking if I'd like to visit for a cup of coffee. My answer was Yes, yes, yes, yes... 

I got to spend an hour with her and her little guy Orson, who is just turning 7 months old. Now THAT is a sure fire way to cheer anyone up. Spend time with a crawling happy baby whose face lights up with infectious smiles and whose eyes are so bright and cheerful.

I found out that she had wanted to go out and join the gun hunt, but her husband was busy with coaching the wrestling team in town again this year. I asked if I could watch her kids for her while she went out to hunt.

I saw her look a bit confused at first and then HER face lit up like...well, like a Christmas tree. 

"You'd do that?"

Of course I would! I love kids, I don't even mind crying babies or even fussy babies. Sometimes a person just needs to change the scenery or look forward to an event to change how they feel.

Friday afternoon during hubby's nap time, I'll got watch a 4 year old and a baby while mom gets to go out in the woods and get some much needed ME time on a deer stand. 

It is a win win situation for me. I get some different scenery, she gets a break, and I get to play. Hubby said he was pleased that I'd get to go play with someone my own age.

Hah. Olive has been there for me in so many ways through the past couple of years and rarely can I find a way to help her out. She is a strong minded woman and mom who never wants to impose and is seems always willing to give.

Sometimes Giving Back is just the best medicine.

Wait you did WHAT?

I often have to wait for hubby to do something. 

He says I'm going to: ___________ fill in the blank. It is something he needs assistance with because he can no longer do it.

He then will sit down for a bit while I get the ___________ ready. His next move is to proclaim that he is tired and he needs a nap before ___________ing. I'm stuck. He needs to get this done and he puts things off and off and off and ... off. Ask him to get moving and the petulant child rises up and he trundles off to the bedroom and lays down. Another tactic is to ask for a cup of coffee and then sit with the cup for a half hour and not say a word.

I'm not going to get into what _________ was. Just know that it can refer to everything...EXCEPT eating. If it is something regarding eating, he gets to the table OR asks loudly from the other room. *What's for supper, what's for lunch?* You get the idea. Meals? Right now please as if I am a short order cook. 

Meh. Calling me a Cook is really quite the fallacy. I'd rather be a princess.

So during my time periods where I have to sit and wait for him, I generally do some research into something like flowers. What kind of flowers would I like to plant? What kind of flowers would I like to photograph? Which flowers attract butterflies?

And how on earth do some of those photographers get such incredible and ethereal shots? Some photographers use special lenses such as a Helios or a Lensbaby. There are also something called the Sigma Art lens. 

I look at tutorials and sigh at some of the incredible shots these pros take. I don't want to purchase any of those lenses. But I'd like to figure out how to do some of those incredible shots with just a regular lens.

One tutorial suggested some great tips. I know the tips she suggested, but it never hurts to review them after a long winter. Isolate the subject, find a spot of interest, watch the lighting, and a bit of cloud cover is helpful.

Then YouTube suggests another video with 'lens hacks'. I'm curious so I watch it. The guy suggests an interesting idea. Or a horrifying idea!

He suggests putting Vaseline on the lens. It creates a a soft vignette with a lot of bokeh on the edges of the photo.

OH no. Nope Nope Nope.

I watch another tutorial. This guy suggests putting a sandwich bag over the lens to create a soft focus. I try it and it just seems like I'm taking a soft shot. But it is pretty interesting and the photograph he takes looks like Orton Photography.

What if... I place Saran Wrap over the lens and use a hair tie to hold it in place?

And then? What if I use Vaseline on top of the Saran Wrap? 

I pulled the wrap tight and held it with a hair tie. I went outside to take any shot just to see what the results would be.

I couldn't find a flower to photograph but I did find an old Creeping Charlie leaf sticking up near the spring garden.

I was surprised by the circles of light that appeared. They were obviously from the Vaseline. Shooting into the light wasn't really the best thing to do.

So I tried something else.

The effect was pretty neat. The shot through the wrap and the Vaseline did provide a bit of glow around the subjects. This is exactly as I shot it without any touch ups. 

So now I'm wondering how I can use this trick again more effectively.

Another video showed a photographer using a plastic bag like the kind you get when you purchase groceries. She poked holes in the bag over the center of the lens and shot through it. The result was a milky soft looking vignette around her subject.

As I said this is what I am doing while waiting. Waiting for the other half to get ready to do you know...something. 

This isn't always the case. Sometimes the ___________ can be put off until another time. 

This behavior is in his DNA so to speak. Even when he didn't suffer from dementia, he would drag his feet if we had to do something on schedule. I am that person that shows up to a meeting 15 minutes ahead of time. He was that person that figured he'd just show up on 'whatever' time.

I finally gave up. I turned to my photo table and decided to just occupy myself with portraits of two Lego Gym Characters.

No Vaseline, no bags, nothing fancy. Just a piece of foggy plastic with a light under it and my CrossFit Viroqua water bottle behind them.

I thought about the Stud Shooters Challenge of Bad Weather and tried to figure out how to use Vaseline across the bottom of the lens to produce a foggy effect and Baking Soda to create snow.

It was a failure. I spread Vaseline on the bottom of the lens and then used Baking Soda smeared onto the Vaseline to create a fog effect. In retrospect, the Vaseline and the Baking Soda should have taken up most of the lower half of the lens.

However, one experiments and learns. Failure is part of learning.

So yeah. I am experimenting with Saran Wrap, Vaseline, and Baking Soda on a lens. 

Crazy, right?

Yep.

I had to quit because the other half got up and proclaimed that HE was not going to do _____________. And he'd wait until tomorrow.

Well. Tomorrow will come and I'll pull some more patience out of the air somewhere.

But now I have some cool ideas to try.

I can't wait for some spring flowers to appear so I can try these odd and weird methods on them.

Well, that was interesting...

 

I had an 'interesting' week. Most of the week felt like it was a half a bubble off. Ever have one of those weeks?

Some good things happened and so did some very bizarre things. 

We all understand about CareGiver Stress, well, perhaps everyone doesn't. However last week during a meeting with our CareGiver social worker via the VA's version of Zoom, the social worker referred me to a counselor to help deal with some of the things I've been dealing with this winter.

The VA now offers counseling to CareGivers one on one in their own homes. Before this, I would have to seek out counseling in my home town. There is the stigma of admitting that you have stress while caring for someone along with trying to find one place that would actually take the insurance offered by Medicare and ChampVA is an incredible challenge in itself.

I said YES, please! This winter has been difficult.

I try not to share my 'difficulties' here. So I really won't go into it. However I recognize the symptoms of it all. I want to be Snarky every time I'm asked to help him, is not a good feeling. I get riled at the least little thing and want to yell and immediately feel guilty because it really is NOT his fault!

Wednesday was awesome. I went with a friend on a nice easy hike along the paved section of old hwy 131 on the Kickapoo Valley Reserve.
 

I was surprised that the ponds were still frozen. We just walked and she talked, I listened. Her mom is in Hospice and has been for 2 months now. It weighs on my friend's mind. She is trying to balance her feelings about quality of life and also has a new grand child which makes her full of joy. Balancing Joy and Sadness is hard.

Part of the way through the hike I started to have dark brown floaters in my one eye. The 'good' eye. I've had this before in 2021 in the opposite eye. It is freaky. Think about dropping food coloring into a glass and watching the dye float about in the water. Then think about that being what you see in your vision. 

When I looked at the sky around me, I could clearly see the floaters and knew it was from a Vitreous Hemorrhage. That sounds terrifying. However, I was told that sometimes the Vitreous has a little pull on it in older eyes and there is a tiny bleed. The eye doctor told me NOT to go to the ER, but to call they eye clinic and get in. ER's don't call in eye doctors or have the equipment to look into your retina.

Thankfully, I did get an appointment for the next morning.

I had the exam and this eye doctor was hilarious. He looked deep into the eye to check to see if I had a tear in my retina or a detachment. 

His commentary was hilarious. "Ohhhhh Ahhhh Nice! You did a great job! This tiny tear is in the Best Spot! Right next to the Optic Nerve! I think we need to take a picture of that so you can see it!"

What causes it? It can be age. It can be because I've had eye surgeries before, it can be possible that I sneezed and did it...or it just happened on its own. 

What does it look like? I tried looking all over the internet and no good examples came up. So I went into a program and created what I see right now. Speckles and floaters that never stay still and sometimes interfere with what I am trying to read. They wiggle around every single time you look at something.

This is perhaps like just a few molecules of seepage from the little tiny blood vessel in my eye. The molecules will reabsorb like they did in 2021. It takes time but is very annoying.

The big scientific words for what happened sound very scary: Posterior Vitreous Detachment. I will be seen in two weeks to have another look at it to see if it is healing up.

So this week, photography hasn't really been much fun nor has reading. However, I've gone about my daily business and am continuing to keep busy.

Typing this was a bit of a challenge, but now I am used to patterns floating through my vision. My brain says it is no big deal and so I am treating it that way.

Walking in the forest is nice because of all the brown colors the floaters are not bothersome and I can ignore them.

Onward to new adventures despite the coffee thingies in my vision!

Crazy minds and creative thoughts...

I am not always at play.

I do have a complicated life. I run our place and am a full time Caregiver. There is always something I need to address and work on for our place.

 Thankfully, I can have great daydreams. Some would think that a person my ahem, age, shouldn't be like this. My father was a very creative and imaginative person. 
He had no talent for mundane things. His brain was always on the go. My mom was the opposite. She could plan things to the smallest of details. She is regimented in thoughts and actions.

I may be a bit of both. 

Funny how things come to you when you are mucking out a stall [Lil' Richard is the one equine won't try to tear apart our large stall.]

Sunday was MY day of stall cleaning. I filled the skid steer bucket with manure and drove the skid steer to dump the pile of old hay, straw, and shavings. Rich said he was too unsteady to climb in and out of the skid steer.

So it is my job to keep that machinery running and useful. I would much rather use the little 4 wheeler and cart to clean up stuff and dump it, but he sure loves his skid steer. 

I abide by his wishes as my 'job' as his caregiver and wife is to make his days as pleasant as I can.

Here I was dumping and spreading manure when I thought about the recent Lego build we did together. 

The Alpine Lodge build has a cute skating rink, an outhouse, and rooms to rent. It is like having a doll house to play with.

During my shoveling I thought .... wouldn't it be funny to have the Lego Batman sign in as a guest? I mean what on earth would the Dark Knight be doing at a winter lodge???

Wouldn't it be funny to take a photo of Santa Clause being interrupted in the outhouse by one of his elves?

And why would all of this occur?

Oh...And what of The Brothers Odd?

How would this fit in with the much anticipated delivery of the 9th deer for Santa's Sleigh on the MOC build??

As I refilled the bucket with manure and hay chafe, my mind skipped from one thing to another with a story line of images jumping about like quick movie clips.

Did Batman sign into the Lodge because he knew Rudolph went missing for nefarious reasons? 

What did the Elf give Santa as a reason to be interrupted while doing his morning constitution?

How would The Brothers Odd even fit in?

I drove the skid steer to the pile and dumped it, then spent time backing it into the shed to the spot where it can be plugged in on cold mornings for using. That effort took all of my brain power.

I dusted myself off and started towards the house.

What IF a Hunter chased Rudolph into the woods? What IF the Brothers Odd decided to help search for him and found Chewie?

And to think that I kept letting these thoughts engage in the back of my mind while I prepared supper and set up appointments on my calendar for the week.

All because of a Lego Outhouse and an Etsy order for a 9th reindeer.

Santa: What the $#@#$%???
Close the door and let me...
finish!
Elf: But I have important information! 
It seems we've lost Rudolph again!

Santa: Oh NO! Not again!
That foolish reindeer!

Maya is right. The more I think about something fun and creative, the more fun I have. 

Haha. My husband just came over and patted me gently on the head. He says I will be committed to the nuthouse before he goes.

Motivational Speak and Empowerment....

 Oxford Dictionary:

Empowerment definition:
the authority or power given someone to do something
or
the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one's life and claiming one's rights.

Motivational Speak:
Emotional message and purpose...yaddah yaddah...and so forth.

So there are some gals holding a Woman's Retreat to help Empower women so they can meet challenges in life. Yoga, Self Defense, Hike in Nature, Catered Lunch, Motivational Speaker, and so forth for a whole day. 

One of the gals who I know through the gym was asking me if I would attend. I  gave an evasive answer because even though I'd love to spend the day doing stuff with these women pals, I wasn't exactly comfy with the whole scenario. 

There is a nearly $200 price tag for the day. It would probably be a lot of fun. Even at my age, the word "Networking" comes to mind. These women own businesses and are pretty impressive on their own.

But the word EMPOWERMENT kept nagging at me. To me it means something different???

After a day of using the air compressor, a drill, a saw, a mini chain saw, handling chores, moving mules around, checking to see why one mule had a sore foot, watering, cooking for the two of us and sorting meds for the next week.............I sat back on a overturned bucket in the shed. 
I decided to think about this event. 

Conquering Through: Facing Challenges!!! 

Hmmm. 

I'm a Caregiver and I also take care of our little 'farm' and all the decisions that have to do with the house/farm maintenance.
Facing challenges? Most of you know that folks who care for others do face daily challenges and not the kind that will be talked about by a Motivational Speaker.

I mean, if I was there, could I contribute on how to handle a loved one when bathing them? How to agree with someone who knows the sky IS purple today? 

I don't think that is going to be anywhere near what is going to be covered. 

Back to Empowerment. 
Empowerment definition:
the authority or power given someone to do something
or
the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one's life and claiming one's rights.

Yep. I wanted a tree swing for years. Yesterday I gave myself
the authority and power to do it.

I also wanted to trim a tree and build a spot
where I could watch deer from a place 
in another tree. So I built a place for my

morning coffee..
while I sit in the little stand with my 
back against the massive trunk.

The view from this little stand allows me
to gaze over our little meadow and
the neighbor's land to the east.
I can see the house from here and yet
I can feel removed from indoors and
feel surrounded by
nature.

Oh heck, by the end of the day I felt pretty powerful errrr, empowered? 

It is nice that I was asked [now over and over!]. But I wonder if those that are in charge of organizing the Retreat realize that I am a generation ahead of them. The target age of those organizing and running the retreat and those going are in their 30's and 40's.

I'm sort of torn between wanting to go and thinking that there is really nothing in it for me. I am curious though as to what this next generation is thinking. 
That would be interesting.

I mean, I recall burning bras! I recall title IX which allowed females to play sports! It was a civil right for women! 

Suddenly I was able to play on a team and not just after school intramurals. 

Bam! One year later women gained more access to health care with Roe V Wade.
I understand that the younger women of today are facing all sorts of challenges that are different from my generation.

Should I go? Hmmm? The worst that could happen...is that I learn something from a different perspective.

So there you go....

My Inspirational and Motivational Thought today?

Last note: Red Flag Warning for us through tonight and tomorrow. YIKES!

Self Care -- What really is it?

 Yesterday's post sounded like I was down and out. I generally get a bit of a road bump in my attitude this time of year when things are muddy and drab outside. I have to really urge myself to go out and get fresh air.

Taking a walk in the forest is a combination of slush, mud, and slippery footing. The world is mud colored, and on many days it is drab and overcast. This transfers to my brain as 'Yuck' and 'Boring'. I don't feel like doing much and the less I move the worse I feel.

I went to CrossFit yesterday. I'd been putting it off because basically I just didn't feel like doing anything and the weather hasn't been exactly great either. I enjoyed the partner workout with the other two ladies I ended teaming up with. We worked hard, we played hard, and we encouraged each other each step of the way.

Everyone in the gym is positive an encouraging. One of the other members specifically came up to me and told me he was happy to see me back in the gym. He specifically said to me: "You Need to be Here.'

I thought his comment was strange at first. It wasn't. He was right. I got in the car to run an errand and drive home.

A program came on the radio regarding: Self Care. 
Self Care has become an over used Buzz Word that so many think to mean things like: Expensive Trips, Getaways, Spa Trips, Binge Watching TV, .... and so on. 
Self Care is really about Prioritizing Mental and Physical Health. 

The VA stresses Caregiver Self Care. I've attended those programs virtually and the social workers really like to talk about taking time for yourself. [That sounds so ridiculous. But it is true.]

I don't label what I do as Self Care, but I know that the atmosphere in the CF gym gives me a sense of belonging and a sense of normalcy. [I'm not the only 'aged' person that attends the gym.]
I also know that studying photography and art keep my mind fresh. I know that studying nature is more relaxing than doing the checkbook and bills!

When I start to get overwhelmed by caring for another, I have to step back and see what I can do for myself. 

Sometimes that is so very hard to see.

One of the biggest things that gets me down is hearing others plan trips to go hiking in places I've always known that I wanted to go to. I was going to retire and go camping in my Subaru to visit state parks and natural areas. I was going to see waterfalls, overlooks, and find out what kind of backpacker I might be.

The saving grace of it all is that I live in an amazing area. It has bluffs, rivers, and such a diverse natural area that it attracts folks from all over. 

Those things ease the stress of caring and giving your all. I make my own little adventures here and there that get me out of the house and away for a small amount of time.

I think up creative ways to do photography even when stuck inside.

Self Care is hard work.

Crisis? What Crisis?

I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine who lives in the southern part of the US. [She lives alone with her 3 dogs. It was her love of her Dachshunds that actually brought us together.] 

What price do we pay in becoming elderly? What price did the Pandemic take on those folks who have health issues and have taken precautions since March 2020? 

If being elderly wasn't bad before hand, it certainly is more so now. Isolation is one part. Older people are shunned by younger folks. I was as guilty as the next guy. 

I started to understand how difficult it is for some to age in place when my MIL started to fail at recalling things and moving around. Her issues were mostly invisible until she had a fall.

I realized that my husband would not be able to be on his own if I were not here to take care of him. It is a sobering thought. If something happened to me, what would happen next? [Working on that.]

My friend in the south has no one. Her husband is gone, her son is gone, and her cousins she was close with are now gone too. She lives on her own and has dealt well with her health issues and is trying to keep up with life. She has no advocate to help her deal with working around her medical issues.

She has no one to help her deal with her insurance plan either. Sometimes the effort to work around the ins and outs of a medical plan is confusing and difficult. Reading an insurance plan is as clear as mud. 

Years ago, I thought I'd start a private business in just helping others with their insurance billings and resolving issues. What I discovered was dealing with my husband's health was a full time job. It taught me a lot about dealing with doctors, getting approvals, and dealing with medical billings.

Thank goodness I had a degree in Medical Billing and Coding [it is obsolete now since so many things have changed, however it gave me insight as to the difficulties doctors and clinics face too].

I would love to see insurance simplified, but I don't have the answers.

So how is a person who has an insurance plan from the state of Massachusetts get coverage in the southern US? The words 'out of network' pop up. What does that means to the patient? How can that patient find out? 

How does that person make an appointment in their local area to get treated for a pressing issue? Do they put it off because it is too complicated to get an answer? If they do, does that make their risk of a fall or risk of living independently so much worse? Where do they go for help?

I've found good help in working with ADRC who directed me to the county social worker for my MIL. That started the ball rolling that eventually helped with issues she had. I couldn't deal with all of her care at the time and deal with the care my husband needed too. 

My brother was extremely active in caring and assisting my father as he aged and did an incredible job at being his caregiver. 

People need advocates. Caregivers need breaks or they suffer horribly. Compassion Fatigue is real. 

Yet there is no obvious help unless a person digs for it.

Elder care is exhaustive and difficult. Here is long, but very good article here at Vox. The subject is not a popular subject and the discussion surrounding elderly care is an uncomfortable one for many people. 

So when my southern friend stopped talking to me on Sunday...and I could hear her crying I felt totally helpless. My heart strings broke. I was her weekly contact. She was lonely, she was

lonely...

And I could not fix it.

I did get her laughing before we signed off on our phone call and I asked her to please find out where the nearest senior center was to at least go and find some company. 

No person should suffer that loneliness. 

This crisis is growing. And I have no idea of how to fix it.

I've been told that I 'was' so 'lucky' to be able to quit work and stay home to care for my husband. 

Hmmm. But my thoughts on that are for another day.

Let us not forget how to care....

CareGiver

 

"A hug is always the right size." ~~ Winnie the Pooh

I was asked by a VA Social Worker how CareGiving changed my life. I didn't get philosophical like I could have IF I'd had time to think about it.
So I answered honestly.

It isn't how I saw myself spending my time as I aged. Pre Caregiving was a life full of trips and adventures with a lot of camping and riding mules. I worked a pretty good job that drove me nuts with the odd hours I worked.

I became a CareGiver because it was the only way hubby could come back home. That was 5 years ago. It just felt right. I couldn't leave him 14 hrs a day on his own after nearly losing him twice  in the early morning hours. 

The Social worker asked if I had experience in this. I chuckled and said that it was on the job experience. She smiled and said most folks who have raised children have extensive experience. 

I agree. I was a mom, but being a caring person for a once able person is much more different than caring for a child. At least I could send my kids to their rooms or ground them for misbehaving. 

I looked up quotes and inspirational 'stuff' on the internet. All of them sing wonderful praises about being a Caregiver. How enlightening it is, how courageous it is, how fulfilling it is.

No one quotes or discusses the arguments that cannot be won. The discussions that go no where. The memories that are flawed yet have to be glossed over in order to keep the peace. 

CareGiving did change our lives. In a sweet way, it has allowed us to stay together. In a hard way because of his frailty it has isolated us socially. You can draw your own conclusions regarding that. 

Caregiving pushed me to be an Advocate and a mom to my husband. Yet we still find those magical little moments where both of us forget all the medical issues and frailties. We laugh and make like we are going to beat each other up with slippers. There is a spark in his eye and laughter.

A hug goes a long long way. 

Compassion and empathy is not in everyone's make up. I'm not special.

To Quote Winnie the Pooh [my hero]:

"Some people care too much. I think it's called love." ~ Winnie the Pooh

Doctor Doctor

Now that I am OF age, a curious thing happened. I had a complete Wellness Exam. 

I GREW shorter! I'm a half inch shorter than I was at 20 yrs old. Well, no real surprise there. I'm a little people.

Taking care of me is as important as taking care of hubby. 
A couple of things came up. The eyeball thing of course which will be re-evaluated tomorrow, stress from caregiving and dealing with the mental status of the other half.

My doctor Ann, is awesome. I've been with her for 23 years. She said with the stress and anxiety issues I go through she'd like me to go see a counselor. I agreed. [Seeing means by zoom in these times and I am not sure about that. I need human contact. Even if it means conversing outside.] Phone calls are OK. But seeing another face other than my walls is what I need.

Interesting that she said I qualified for meds for this. She rattled off the med list and I shook my head with each one. She smiled and said she did not see me taking those meds either. 

I told her what I currently do to try to keep sane. I will go back to CF with modified exercises until the bay doors are closed for cold weather. Then I will go back to Virtual CF. She prescribed hiking and Yoga. 

So I have a diagnosis code Z63.6 which is Dependent Relative. The hardest part is having to admit it to your provider. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been this comfortable discussing these issues in a Zoom or Virtual Appointment. 

Here is a not so great fact. Most CareGivers do not outlive their dependent if they do not take steps to Care For Themselves.

This is not new information to me. It is just how it is. I hate to admit it, but I do have more times per week that I get irritated with the other half for no real reason. I always am nicer after a nice long hike or workout.

And now I will take time to do a bit of bragging. I passed my exam with flying colors as far as all the vital readings go. I even got a BMI rating! Too funny, I had to look it up. 
Since I am small, I've got to do a bone density test. Hmmm, how do you study for that? One fasting lab and poke and I'm done with my tests. 

I also got the flu shot and am scheduling shots for Shingles. Interestingly enough on a side note. A friend who WILL not get the Covid vaccine did get the Shingles vaccine. 

Ruminate on that for a moment.

My last thoughts for today.
Doctor Ann told me that last week they had to divert patients because our little hospital had NO room in the ER or beds. She did not say why, she just said it happened.
The ambulance had to take patients to another state. There were no available ER's within 100 miles of our tiny town.

It did not make our local news. 

She told me to stay safe and do her prescribed hiking and yoga plan. To follow up with a phone call to get in touch with a counselor if the VA couldn't provide any help.

~~~~~

I'm going to make up a sheet to put on the fridge. 

It will go something like this:

Val must go hiking every week as a prescribed medication. Dr. Ann Said So.

I do like my doctor.

Do over?

I wanna do Thursday over. Can I?

The photo above was an attempt at an experiment with AF Starry Sky. Auto Focus Starry sky comes with the Olympus M1 Mark iii. Actually it sort of turned out pretty okay but I can try this on a much warmer night. I stink at this, but will try and get better.

Our hike at KVR was nice. The weather was perfect, the footing was not perfect but we knew that. The trails were a mix of slush, compacted rough ice, and mud. But we took it slow.

All in all, the adventure was very uneventful. Bill checked out some campsites and we just enjoyed the weather and bright sunlight. 

I got home and walked into the house. Rich greeted me with a few problems. He'd taken a glass of water to the table and spilled it on himself and the chair which included the little pad on it. He'd tried to clean it up as best he could.

He then decided to cut up and apple when he saw us parking the car. Instead he cut his thumb.

He has Essential Tremor which gets much worse when he is trying to eat things like soup or work on a project. Both of his parents had issues with it. Some mornings he can't get his own coffee and when he insists, I have a coffee trail on the floor and coffee down the side of cabinets.

So I walked into the door with him dripping blood everywhere and apologies. I grabbed a clean brown colored washcloth and told him to put pressure on the cut after we washed it. It was deep but clean. 

He is on blood thinners enough so that if he falls, I am to dial 911. 

As I was cleaning up blood and cutting up gauze to wrap up the thumb, the Oxygen guy came.

Apparently he called while I was out and Rich just let it go to voicemail.

Blood on the floor, blood on the table, a dog going crazy and the 02 guy coming to check the concentrator. 

I grabbed masks and let him in to deal with the concentrator [maintenance work]. It hadn't been touched or checked on since Memorial Day Weekend last year.

Pressure on the cut, blood seepage.

I shut off the heat and opened the windows. [Thinking to air out the house with a person that is NOT from our household. He was masked with a neck gaiter.]

More seepage and blood spatters on the wall from where the blood was still dripping.

The 02 guy had pulled around my Subaru and into the Dreaded Muck. Now I had a bleeding thumb and a huge van stuck in mud.

I ran out and told him to stop spinning the wheels.

Now he was frantic. But at least I'd finished cutting up Rich's apple and had something soaking up the blood.

I asked the guy if he now understood WHY I'd parked the 'Ru to keep him from going towards the house. 

Um. Yeah.

I walked to the junk pile around the back of the shed an yanked out two large pieces of expanded metal. I set them under the rear tires of the van and told the driver to ease forward and not to stop once he got going.

The metal gave him grip and stability and off he went.

I finally got the bleeding stopped and Rich took a well deserved nap. I finished airing out the house and took the opportunity to also clean the heater before I turned it back on.

I think I got all the blood too. 

Rich and I had a discussion after he got up. I asked if maybe he shouldn't be cutting things up when I wasn't around. He shrugged. 

I'm noting this day. I'll be talking with the CareGiver lady at the VA next week. I might just give them an update.

And then there is this thought. Do I dare leave him alone for an hour or two? 

We'd discussed this very thing last year with his Psych doctor. Rich is adamant about not having a Baby Sitter. He DOES not need watching over. 

And yet....

Silence ~ But I can do better!

I live with a person who has several health issues and dementia. Some days are quiet and pretty darned boring. Those are really the better days. Then there are the days that something gets his ire up and well it can get rather tense.

The other day I was watering the large heated stock tank. The outdoor hydrant is above the house on a hillside. I use about 200 feet of construction strength black hose to run water to the stock tank which is plugged in on the porch of the house. I separate the hoses and drain them in the winter. Gravity is such a great helper. Once in the past 5 years I've had one hose ice up on me. 

I separate the hoses by the LP tank. You can see how the slope works in my favor.

The tank fills with very little work most of the time. The two mules that need special feeding requirements are kept separate from the younger mules. Fred the pony mule is 35. Mica is the grey mule. She is has heaves when it is dry and dusty and is a hard keeper. Mica is also blind in one eye. I still ride Mica and put kids on her even though she is our tallest mule. She has a very kind disposition and is very gentle.

So I finished watering, picked feet, and gave everyone except Fred a nice hug and some ear rubs. Fred is anti social and doesn't like being caught.

I wrapped things up and headed to the house. Rich had been watching from the porch door. When I got inside he proceeded to give me a very stern lecture on 'how to drain the hoses properly'. I had the angle wrong somehow and I left footprints and divots in the snow which made the hose freeze up.

He even showed me how to hold the hose properly along with how to walk. It went on and on and on. 

I internally rolled my eyes and then in a moment of stupidity blurted out. "I've been doing this for over 5 years and I've only frozen up the hose one other time during the other Polar Vortex a couple of years ago. It will be 40 today. The hoses will be just fine."

His retort was quick and sudden and a bit nasty. He turned and crossed his arms in a huff.

I realized instantly that I his time frames were confused. In his mind he'd just helped me with it not too long ago. 

He was also stressed out because the program he'd been binge watching had ended. And he was frustrated because somewhere in his mind that he was no longer out there doing simple things like draining the hose.

His punishment was the Silent Treatment. He tossed the remote and and sat on the couch. He stared at the wall arms crossed and breathing in big sighs. After about a half hour, he got up and went to take a nap.

I understand mental health issues a bit. I am a lay person who lives with it. I married a person with it. I don't have any regrets. But there are days when even I can't deal with it and I take my Angel Hat and toss it aside.

However, I grew up in a household where Mom was the Expert at Silent Treatment. She could've taught a Master's Class in Silence and exasperated looks.
I knew I shouldn't engage in it, but I did.

I plugged my earphones into my smarty phone and dialed in Pandora. Mom was the expert and I learned from her. My Mom had some mental health issues too, so I'd learned from the expert. My poor dad, I don't think he ever could understand Mom.

Silence feels like a superpower. It is a very powerful weapon. Sooner or later hubby would need help with the TV or he would want supper. I rolled these things over in my mind and decided that I'd break his silence as soon as he got up from his nap.
After all, I should be the better person in this as I am caring for him.

There is no arguing with Dementia. I discovered that with his mom. Let them rant, let them tell you what is what and simply move on. Hard to do when you literally live in close proximity.

After his nap, he wasn't having anything to do with breaking Silence. He stood with the remote and kept clicking through programs and sighing loudly. I let him.

I started to bake chocolate chip cookies. Our cottage/house is very tiny. Pretty quick, he entered the kitchen and stood.

"Whatchya doing?"

Me: Baking cookies.

Him: Didjya fall on your head? [His joke at any attempt by me at baking.]

Me: Must have.

Him: Let me have some.

Me: Okay. Can I help you find a program?

Him: Yes please.

The Silent Treatment broken and things back on an even keel.