CareGiver

 

"A hug is always the right size." ~~ Winnie the Pooh

I was asked by a VA Social Worker how CareGiving changed my life. I didn't get philosophical like I could have IF I'd had time to think about it.
So I answered honestly.

It isn't how I saw myself spending my time as I aged. Pre Caregiving was a life full of trips and adventures with a lot of camping and riding mules. I worked a pretty good job that drove me nuts with the odd hours I worked.

I became a CareGiver because it was the only way hubby could come back home. That was 5 years ago. It just felt right. I couldn't leave him 14 hrs a day on his own after nearly losing him twice  in the early morning hours. 

The Social worker asked if I had experience in this. I chuckled and said that it was on the job experience. She smiled and said most folks who have raised children have extensive experience. 

I agree. I was a mom, but being a caring person for a once able person is much more different than caring for a child. At least I could send my kids to their rooms or ground them for misbehaving. 

I looked up quotes and inspirational 'stuff' on the internet. All of them sing wonderful praises about being a Caregiver. How enlightening it is, how courageous it is, how fulfilling it is.

No one quotes or discusses the arguments that cannot be won. The discussions that go no where. The memories that are flawed yet have to be glossed over in order to keep the peace. 

CareGiving did change our lives. In a sweet way, it has allowed us to stay together. In a hard way because of his frailty it has isolated us socially. You can draw your own conclusions regarding that. 

Caregiving pushed me to be an Advocate and a mom to my husband. Yet we still find those magical little moments where both of us forget all the medical issues and frailties. We laugh and make like we are going to beat each other up with slippers. There is a spark in his eye and laughter.

A hug goes a long long way. 

Compassion and empathy is not in everyone's make up. I'm not special.

To Quote Winnie the Pooh [my hero]:

"Some people care too much. I think it's called love." ~ Winnie the Pooh

How things change

When one becomes a 'CareGiver' life changes. I used to work 30 hours a week and do odd shifts as a security officer.

When Rich had Throat Cancer I had to drive him 180 miles a day for his radiation treatment. My bosses re-arranged my schedule to work on the weekends. I did that until the day he had an Anaphylatic shock to the chemo treatment. 

Two days after getting out of the hospital I was getting ready for work. It was the weekend and I had an early shift.
He got up to go to the bathroom and had a TIA. 

The hits just kept coming. He had another very serious stroke in 2017 that the doctors were not sure he'd recover from.
The social worker came into the room and said that they were searching for a room at the VA hospital or the VA nursing home as he could not go home and be left alone. I made the decision to give up a job I'd had for 9 going on 10 years to stay and take care of Rich. Any career choices were now eliminated.

The Pulmonary Emboli that should have killed him the next year didn't. And my new career which had been ongoing since his cancer diagnosis was now in full throttle.
I had to care for a man who was diagnosed with dementia [not severe at this point] and a long list of other health issues. The most difficult issue to deal with was the severe depression. 

So what did I do for myself during that time? In October of  2018 pre PE, I joined CrossFit to get out of the house for an hour a day during the week and to get some social and physical time. I was falling into a trap of sitting at home and watching Rich's every move. 

My care responsibilities had increased.

Of course this was about the same time that Rich's mom had been diagnosed with dementia and that huge mess. I'll skip all of that. The end result is that for a while I was the CareGiver for two people and eventually the court appointed a guardian for his mother.

Phew.

When I look back and wonder how can 5 short years have so much change in our lives?

So what have I done for me? I eventually decided I needed an out more than just hiking. I joined a gym and began to enjoy the physical and social aspect of creating friendships that were not dependent on CareGiving. 

My doctor had been concerned on my last physical about my blood pressure. Sure, it was going up and up. Now? I average a very good reading.

Maybe I am taking the right steps to self care. But perhaps I can learn more about Care...Giving...and Self Care. That's why I signed up for the Virtual Class.

One of the more interesting things about this progression of events is that I have not become hateful or bitter or even resentful.

Sure there are days that I feel frustrated and short tempered when dealing with my loved one's apathy and disinterest or his forgetfulness. I am only human.

I still find moments with him that cause me joy and laughter. That is the important part. I don't regret leaving the workforce [well, I sort of do, I loved the job, but not the stress of all the strange hours].

I've branched out to learning new things to keep myself occupied.

Covid-19 has really managed to change the whole playing field. No more gym, no visits, and isolation from others. No long day trips. Getting groceries is an adventure in masking and avoidance of others.

I'm looking now for things to do to keep my mind occupied for the winter. [The reason I decided to do a toy story book and a photo book about 2020].

I may even start sewing stuffed toys again. 

So ... Things Change, yet they stay the Same don't they?

The CareGiving Reverse Gift List

What a wonderful idea for people who spend and expend so much energy in caring for someone in their family like a spouse or a parent.
The idea is to ask for some help to make the Holidays and winter [or even just everyday life] a bit easier.

The CareGiver gets out a piece of paper and ....makes out a Reverse Gift List.
The idea is that the caregiver asks for some things that would help them and in the future they can pay it back when their time is not fully occupied by being a CareGiver.
Most people enjoy helping.
Things that are simple like a visit.
Maybe a visit so the CareGiver can have a part of a day off.

So the idea is...


On one side of the piece of paper make a list of people you trust.

On the other side of the paper make a list of Things They Can Do.
Uh oh.
My paper is getting nowhere fast.

I need to set it aside and think about it.
First the needs of the day.
Chores
Meal prep
Visit MIL in the Nursing Home
Errands
Bills
Laundry

And dream about the days when I complained about going to work.