Projects

I have had this idea for a while. This week I stood with Miss Aurora and we talked about everything under the sun and she mentioned the Wonderland book of portraits that are extremely exotic and beautiful. It is done with models and special lighting effects.

In my head I had a vision of doing some self portraits in woodland settings. I'd done some of that last year when I was out and about with Charlie and Bear.

One of my favorites from last year was sledding with a Teddy Bear and Charlie running alongside us. I used a timer on my pointy shooty camera and set it to 7 shots hoping that one shot would deliver the following.

These are not the same type of photos that the artist Kristy Mitchel has done. But the discussion did rekindle some old ideas I had about self portraits.

I went up into my Magic Room [really, it is a spare bedroom where my paints, crafts, and toys are stored] and looked down at the outfit I'd picked out over a year ago. My intentions were to 'dress' up and take a self portrait in the woods. You know a dreamy shot where I looked beautiful and exotic.

Pfft. 
I should know better.
Most people who call themselves a photographer absolutely hate getting in front of the lens. I didn't like it as a kid and liked it less as my face aged. 

What I think I look like in front of a camera...or wished I did:

What I generally look like [in the winter]:

How I feel before coffee in the morning:

And here are two versions I did this morning while having coffee on a knoll overlooking the neighbor's meadow with Bear.
I like the B&W version much better.

I'm not very good at this and it took quite a bit of running back and forth with the timer set. I could use an app on the smarty phone to do it, but I always end up with the damn phone in my hand.

However, this is more me. I'm not gorgeous and dreamy looking. I have a face that has been beat up by the weather and sun. It has amazing wrinkles in it. If I were a man I'd have a gnarly weathered face. 

But see, I am going to be okay with that because really. No amount of makeup will make me look young and dreamy.

So what will my project be? Oh it will change constantly. But I am going to put on the gypsy crazy lady outfit and play dress up. Well, why not? I have to entertain myself.

I won't even try to do those incredible artistic shots. Those were someone else's vision. I want one of my own.

I'm going to work on the Bear and I stuff too. I really like doing things with Bear.

So...

off I go

to do my own thing.

You never know what I will come up with.

Curiosity overrides...

I listened to a doctor on the radio expressing his ideas regarding anxiety and depression in our world today. I sort of half assed listened as I was driving to go get my new glasses.

But a few points that he did talk about in the interview was how the curious mind beats down anxiety and depression. I thought Peeshaw...Pfft, he doesn't know what he is talking about. 

But then I thought about the general idea of Curiosity. Why in the middle of a Pandemic while living with my significant other did I constantly fight the blues? Sure I know it is the result of being a CareGiver. But some days the Blues were simply an unforgiving weight. Should I give in or fight it? 

Fight.

I needed a new purpose. 

I needed to do some wandering with a purpose. 

Like...what is this called? 

I know it is moss, but what about moss? What about Moss Life cycles?
I began a search and decided to order a book on moss and a book on lichen.

Suddenly, I found myself very Curious. I'd spent so much time in the woods hunting Fungi, wild plants, and insects, but never really paid any attention to things like Lichen. As far as I was concerned they were fungi. I was SO wrong!

Why did I get the feeling of calm and satisfaction while wandering the woodlands looking for interesting tiny things to photograph and go home to identify and take notes on? Why did using the skills of a Naturalist keep me sane?

[By the way, the new glasses are incredible! I can see things clearly for the first time in months in the distance again! Wow!]

Powdery Sunburst Lichen
Such a pretty name for such a tiny thing. This was found on the trunk of an oak tree.

Common Antler Lichen on top of 

Sinewy Bushy Lichen.

All found on a twig in the forest.

I laid the twig on a log of moss for the photo. 

Researchers don't know why we get such a high over learning. I do. My mind is taking a break from the problems I face every day at home. It is directing all of its energy into trying to figure out how to recognize different plants. 

It is true. My anxiety and blahs, disappear when hunting interesting things in the forest. 

I knew that by setting out to examine another aspect of the forest around me, it would lead to calm days and clear thinking. 

I think I knew this before and that is why I wander about so much in the forest. It gives my brain time to chill out and relax.

The scientists say that when the brain is engaged in curious learning the pleasure part of the brain is LIT up. 
Maybe that is why I am so reluctant to step through the door after being outside.

This is one of my favorite photos of moss. The white specs are grains of sand. I used the microscopic mode on my Tough TG6 camera to capture this.
I have no idea what these are called. From what I understand there are 12 thousand species of moss. Most moss ID depends on a microscope.

So I will be happy to continue to find beautiful mosses and lichen because I am curious and little things like this make me happy.

I may even figure out what kind or species of moss this is one day.

Let's stand up and applaud curiosity. 

Going going gone ...

 ...to the nuthouse I go.

I made this sign and placed it in the mailbox so the mail person cannot put a 'no one was home' notice inside it without pulling this dayglow sign off. I signed and dated it once more. I am expecting a package I have to sign for and if he/she refuse as usual to deliver it... I will have to wait until Tuesday to get said package. Post Office is closed on Monday.

We will see the results. I'm betting that he/she will leave a note and not come to the house. 

Anyone want to bet???

So....

I thought I'd amuse myself by trying some old editing exercises. Like turning a photo into a drawing.

Original:

Topaz Impressions:

Adobe CS2: Photo to Draw method.

I sort of like them all for different reasons. Great exercise for my brain.

Original. Tea Time:

Edited for High Key Look with a texture:

I like this version. 

I moved around the tea towel that is hanging from the clothes rack...and moved in a bit. I settled on a subtle film color adjustment after trying several. Yep, I cut the poor rabbit's ear off too. 

Well this was for experimenting and brain work.

And then since nothing I was doing excited me very much. I did this.

It sums up exactly how I felt about trying my 'still life' experiments on Saturday.

The Box

 I am not the originator of the Suck Box. However I enjoy the idea.

One of the first things to do is to find the proper box. What size will it be?

Select scraps of paper or cut some pieces for yourself of any ol' size and color.
Start to write items on it.
You might find that the tiny box works for you.

Or you can ask some friends to email their Suck Items and start to fill a larger box.

I prefer a large marker to write with. 
Isolation.
Distancing.
No family visits.
Funerals.
Covid.
Hospitals.
.....

I'm thinking you can figure out the rest. When your box is all prepared ... Light 'er up and stand back.
I'm thinking to do this on New Year's Eve.

Or?

I could choose the box on the left. Chillable Red Wine. Yeah. 

The red wine box was left on a stump in my yard with some milk by my neighbor.

I think I am forever grateful to have good people on our tiny rural ridge.

Now to find some things to make sure that box really goes off!

~~~

And if you are all wondering. We had a wonderfully peaceful day. 

Now hear this...

 

Yesterday was a really really long long day. So Charlie and I headed out to the Rock Fort to sit a spell and listen to the woods. I was dressed in Blaze Orange but most of the weekend hunters had left the area to go back to where ever they came from. The bottom photo is of my crochet project. I am making a new rag rug and crocheting it. I don't have a loom but I do have balls and balls of material my Grandmother painstakingly put together from old shirts and sheets. Thus...a new rag rug!

~~~~

The morning hours were spent in a long 'intake' interview. 'Intake' is what the VA calls it. Rich and I were interviewed by a gal named Jennifer via secure video connection. It was not painful or difficult, she asked questions of Rich and then asked questions of me without Rich. He was happy to go watch TV in the other room. The program is called VA Family Caregiver Assistance. 

The VA feels it may be cheaper to pay a family caregiver to care for a veteran who needs assistance in all aspects of his daily life....or Activities of Daily Living.... than find a place in a nursing home for him/her. 

I just need to say this. I care for him because I do care. I quit a very well paying job so I could be with him and take care of him. Leaving him home alone every day for hours on end was not an option. There are about 5 more steps with an exam with a nurse, and exam with an Occupational Therapist, more social workers, and even a virtual home visit I think. It takes time and I am not terribly worried. 

One of the benefits that a caregiver can get is access to ChampVA insurance along with respite care and in home assistance. Mental Health access to deal with stress is also available. 

I told Jennifer that it would be amazing to be able to talk to someone from MH just to blow off steam. Okay, I know I have friends, but truly, who wants me to ring them up and complain about how frustrating it is when the person I care for is doing things that drive me crazy? I know he can't help it because of 'brain injury' but yet... somedays having an adult toddler is insane. 

Add a Pandemic to the mix and what have you got? Rhetorical question there. 

Anyway, it was really NICE to talk with another human, even it was a social worker doing an 'intake' interview.

The latest townie news is this. Our 25 bed hospital is nearly full, there is NO more room. The ER is full most of the time. They are treating some patients that need higher quality of care but have no place to transfer them to. That is unless beds open up with deaths or discharge to a lesser unit.

The Doctors made a plea via our local paper and radio stations to PLEASE please wear masks, wash hands, and socially distance...and please do not bring people outside of your household in for Thanksgiving. 
Many of our folk really are trying hard. Others think it is still a hoax or they just don't need to follow the guidelines.

And I know in my heart that if my husband suffers a Medical Emergency, it could be the very last time I see him. 

This really got to me yesterday and that is why Charlie and I went to The Rock Fort and sat while I crocheted. Fresh air, sunlight, birds, and a kind dog helps a lot.

So this morning I decided NOT to read the news. 

I went into distraction mode and created art with Mandebulb 3D, Incendia, and Corel PaintShopPro [a program cheaper but similar to Photoshop which I cannot afford!].

Viking Terminator!

Sleeping Dragon

Have a good day. Stay safe. I'm going out to enjoy the  new snowfall.

True Friends are Forever

Grade School:

6th grade was the time I changed course.

I got picked on a lot as a kid and I was small.  My mom said I was a tough little shit. She told me to fight back and don't let the others win. Of course, I surmised that it was also wise to become one of the bullies. Better to dish it out than take it. 

I even for a while hung out with a gal named Nancy who was Big and Tall. She could whup any boy on the playground with her hands tied behind her back. She and I got into a lot of trouble in 4th and 5th grade. Enough so, that we were separated to different classrooms. I was labeled as a trouble maker and a Little Bully. I just was one of those little kids that fought back and fought dirty.

Then some new kids came to school. They were nonidentical twins came from somewhere else. 

They became instant targets by the other kids. I can't say why things suddenly changed, but I liked the twins. They sure didn't look like twins or even act like twins. But they were smart.

On the playground they were harassed and even Big Nancy started to physically bully them.
I saw that they were defenseless and perhaps I saw a little of me in them. I became infuriated, well as much as an 11 year old can become infuriated.  Somehow I sort of became their friend...and play ground protector.
It wasn't pity, I was angry that other kids could be so mean. It would have been easier to stay in the bully crowd.
Pushing back was a much tougher decision. I am not sure why or how I did it... 

But push back I did. Enough so no one touched them. I ended up having a stand down/up with the main bully girl. I looked up at her and told her in no uncertain terms that I'd fight tooth and nail if she didn't stop 'being mean' [I don't think harassing was in my vocabulary, nor was bullying a label yet].

Let's fast forward about 55 years. Thanks to Facebook, I got a message from one of the twins. She and her family were coming to LaCrosse, could we meet up and have supper together? Of course.

Her boys were just going to college. I started early raising kids, she started later.

She'd grown up to be one smart and graceful woman. Her job title and job were quite impressive. But she never tossed that in my face. She was a successful business woman and I ...well, I'd quit the business world to be a backwoods farm woman. It was as though time had never passed and we were still 6th grade buddies.

Sunday evening I posted some Art on FB, I think there was a comment about feeling in the dumps so I'd decided to do some abstract art as a distraction.

Yesterday my FB messenger came alive with messages from my grade school friend.

"Are you ok?"

Yes I am ok. Just felt dumpy the other day.

"Are you sure?"

...well, I wasn't able to answer because I had just let the dog out and walked out to do the chores.

My phone kept pinging and dinging while I was outside.

I walked in to hear it ping again and as I reached for it, I saw it was my grade school friend calling.

"Hey!" she said, "Are you okay? I didn't think I could just keep messaging you and decided to call you instead."

I let her know that I really was okay. The Isolation, the pressure from everything 'out there' going on, caring for Rich, and trying to be Normal was getting to me. Plus there was the crap weather and The Horrid Brown Season of Dreary-ness. I explained to her that I was fine. Just Stuff.

You know, that ordinary Stuff that goes on while taking care of a loved one who has memory/brain issues along with other things. 

She then informed me that she was going to make a Care Package and drive out with her husband and drop it off. 
I convinced her not to make the 3 hour drive. She had said they'd mask up and stay distanced. I suggested a visit in the warm weather instead of cold.

She conceded. The Care Package of goodies will come by mail. And she has decided that we need conversation more often. She lives just outside of Milwaukee and understands the atmosphere of Covid.

The point is.
Well you should get the point.

We had become best of friends so young.
And we still were.

This is to my hero Lin, who always seems to know when she has to have my back.

Awkward normals

Saturday morning... good friends of ours made a surprise visit ...they came from Missouri. For them it was a 7 hour drive.
I woke up to see their truck and a camper trailer parked in our yard. They had surprised us last year also. This year they came prepared to be self contained because of Covid-19.

They also come prepared in case we didn't want them here. They love visiting this area of Wisconsin and had reserved a spot at Esofea County Park for their camper.

They all had their masks on as they came to the porch. Charlie was so ecstatic that he could barely contain himself.

It was a surreal scene to have good friends so close and yet stay away from that HUG that is the norm each time we visit. It felt awkward and uncomfortable to have masks on while conversing and catching up on the porch. However this is the new normal right?

I see why people protest and want to fight mask mandates and rules of social distancing. 

We have been doing it all along and since we are pretty remote on the farm, it didn't feel that bad.

But it felt a bit awful and very much awkward Saturday.

When we met up with them later on at the campground, we had settled in with our new normal of working out distancing and eating a supper together while still being near enough to have conversation.

I took the kids to the playground and reminded them to wash their hands with sanitizer when we got back to the camper. 

We ate supper together/apart and conversed. Kristi said she had called her younger sister to wish her a happy birthday and discovered that her sister had Covid-19 that had just been diagnosed. Her sister said it was absolutely the worst ever cold she'd had.

We all sat quietly after that. 
I finally said, "You know, for all those out there who don't believe its real? It isn't until someone close to you gets it, right?"

My visitors had not been exposed to the sister for the past few weeks. It makes you stop and think. 

Well. 
Let's just say, so far the weekend has worked out pretty well.

The creek of course was a huge hit. 

We made plenty of space on the porch to keep everyone safe.

For our second night, Rich sat at the other end of the porch in the rocking chair. We ate suppers on our laps and then visited again.

As it got dark, I gave the boys some glow sticks and they went into the yard to light things up.

Things didn't feel quite as awkward last night. I think Rich was more comfortable on his own porch than in a campground.

It was a nice visit. A bit strange feeling, yet it was so nice to see others.

The hardest part was today. Because all the excitement was over and we felt alone. It was as if we realized what we were missing.

We'll get over it, we will be fine.

How things change

When one becomes a 'CareGiver' life changes. I used to work 30 hours a week and do odd shifts as a security officer.

When Rich had Throat Cancer I had to drive him 180 miles a day for his radiation treatment. My bosses re-arranged my schedule to work on the weekends. I did that until the day he had an Anaphylatic shock to the chemo treatment. 

Two days after getting out of the hospital I was getting ready for work. It was the weekend and I had an early shift.
He got up to go to the bathroom and had a TIA. 

The hits just kept coming. He had another very serious stroke in 2017 that the doctors were not sure he'd recover from.
The social worker came into the room and said that they were searching for a room at the VA hospital or the VA nursing home as he could not go home and be left alone. I made the decision to give up a job I'd had for 9 going on 10 years to stay and take care of Rich. Any career choices were now eliminated.

The Pulmonary Emboli that should have killed him the next year didn't. And my new career which had been ongoing since his cancer diagnosis was now in full throttle.
I had to care for a man who was diagnosed with dementia [not severe at this point] and a long list of other health issues. The most difficult issue to deal with was the severe depression. 

So what did I do for myself during that time? In October of  2018 pre PE, I joined CrossFit to get out of the house for an hour a day during the week and to get some social and physical time. I was falling into a trap of sitting at home and watching Rich's every move. 

My care responsibilities had increased.

Of course this was about the same time that Rich's mom had been diagnosed with dementia and that huge mess. I'll skip all of that. The end result is that for a while I was the CareGiver for two people and eventually the court appointed a guardian for his mother.

Phew.

When I look back and wonder how can 5 short years have so much change in our lives?

So what have I done for me? I eventually decided I needed an out more than just hiking. I joined a gym and began to enjoy the physical and social aspect of creating friendships that were not dependent on CareGiving. 

My doctor had been concerned on my last physical about my blood pressure. Sure, it was going up and up. Now? I average a very good reading.

Maybe I am taking the right steps to self care. But perhaps I can learn more about Care...Giving...and Self Care. That's why I signed up for the Virtual Class.

One of the more interesting things about this progression of events is that I have not become hateful or bitter or even resentful.

Sure there are days that I feel frustrated and short tempered when dealing with my loved one's apathy and disinterest or his forgetfulness. I am only human.

I still find moments with him that cause me joy and laughter. That is the important part. I don't regret leaving the workforce [well, I sort of do, I loved the job, but not the stress of all the strange hours].

I've branched out to learning new things to keep myself occupied.

Covid-19 has really managed to change the whole playing field. No more gym, no visits, and isolation from others. No long day trips. Getting groceries is an adventure in masking and avoidance of others.

I'm looking now for things to do to keep my mind occupied for the winter. [The reason I decided to do a toy story book and a photo book about 2020].

I may even start sewing stuffed toys again. 

So ... Things Change, yet they stay the Same don't they?

Meanwhile...

I should be doing some riding now. Really I should.

So I am going to take out that trusty bicycle and do some riding today. 

Being a Caregiver is a stressful job. Okay, maybe I don't have the stress of some folks, but 'frustrating' might be a better way of explaining it.

Working with my husband's moods and slightly off kilter thought processes can be interesting.

The dehumidifier in the basement quit working. It was a cheapy and lasted about as long as expected. It would run and run and run but the humidity wouldn't change a bit.

I brought it upstairs to see if it would work in a warmer temperature. Some dehumidifiers don't work in cooler places as well.

It was a no go. It ran and ran and collected no water.

Conversation:

Me: It isn't working and the basement is smelling musty.

Him: It isn't summer.

Me [I kind of let that roll around in my head a bit]: Well, it is humid and very musty in the basement. All the clothes stored there will be moldy and smelly if we don't control the moisture.

Him: You just want to buy a new one.

Me: No, I just want to keep things in the basement from getting nasty.

Him: You aren't giving it enough time.

Me: I've given it a week or so. 

Him: Oh go ahead, you are just going to do what you want to anyway.

I returned from the hardware store with a 'cold' room specific basement dehumidifier. He walked into the kitchen where I set it. 

Him: [snarky nasty voice] Oh, I SEE you got one anyway.

Me: [I ignore him and put the groceries away. He feels if I spend any money at all it is a waste somehow.] Well, I'm going to take the old one apart and if I can make it work, I'll take this one back.

Him: [Look of disgust and stomps away] Whatever.

At this point I want to laugh. We'd argued last year about me getting the truck's brakes fixed. He accused me of wasting money. That is until the truck came back fixed of course. Then it was okay.

I think...I know, that part of my husband's reluctance in any sort of change is that he was very OCD'ish in controlling things, fixing things, being the boss. His brain won't let him let me get things fixed without major resistance.

[I'd spoken to the VA CareGiver support just a few days ago and we talked about this very same thing on the phone.]

Pretty soon he is back.

Him: What are you making me for lunch?

Me: Fried Bologna Sandwhich? 

Soon he stomps off to take his midday nap.

I'm curious and take apart the old dehumidifier. I use my Smart Phone to follow instructions as to diagnose the issue. Charlie walks over and looks at all the screws and plastic parts laying on the floor. I identify the compressor, it is still hot. I find the coils and it reminds me of a radiator. Everything is clean and looks okay. I leave it torn apart for when Rich awakens.

Him: Oh look! [He is bending over and looking at the guts of the old dehumidifier] This is not right...he points to the parts that look like a car radiator [the cooling thingies]...this doesn't look right, no wonder it wasn't working!

Me: Oh really?

Him: Let's unpack the one you bought. He gets busy and pulls the new one out of the box and hands me the instructions to read out loud.

He admires the new unit and tells me how nice it is.

Me: Shall I set it up?

Him: Yes! Sure!

And there you have it. Working with a complicated mind...is

well...

sometimes complicated.

But hey, I love the old fart dearly. 

And so it goes.

Continuing...

We remain in self isolation.

Our State Supreme Court tossed out the 'Stay at Home' order and most areas are not enforcing any of the rules that were imposed. Suggesting to use masks are still recommended except by those who have decided that masks are a political statement or some such thing.
Social Distancing was still being respected [with masks] at the two stores I stopped at Sunday morning.

When I stopped for gas, it looked like pre - pandemic era. No masks, everyone milling around inside the gas station, no sneeze guards for the cashiers, no distancing [the place is small], and the general chaos that ensues in these places.
Since I hadn't purchased gas in nearly 4 weeks, I was surprised.

I won't go back to that store unless it is immediately after opening.

Enough of that...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've been busy as a ... well, an ant!

Seems I am a fence builder. Yesterday I spent the entire afternoon making two more lots for Sven and Lil Richard to keep the grass and weeds in check. Last year I staked them out in those areas but I find that if the goat is in a lot with the pony he is far more content and will eat the thistles and burdock while the pony takes care of the grass.

This is an area behind the little red shed that is a tough one to hand mow. Sometimes I just resort to the weed whacker, but I hope the pony and goat can keep it under control. This isn't a good spot for a lot but it is an area that I hope to find a good use for other than growing grass. It is shady most of the day so it makes a good alternative for Lil Richard and Sven to spend hot days here in the shade!

I had half a mind the other day to just put a wire across the driveway and one around the house and let everyone loose.
We've done that before, I believe that was when gas prices were so high and for whatever the reason the yard had gotten out of hand [I'd had shoulder surgery!]

I just recall that using the equine was a great alternative.

However, having my laundry hung out with a donkey around...well....

That didn't work out so well.


Another gloomy day is in store for us and I can finish up the lot for the pony .. and then work on another section for the mules. We had such a dry early spring that the pastures need more time to recoup from where I let the mules out earlier.

Treasure Hunting

Let's face it. Being stuck at home, even in the countryside doesn't always feel very good.

I came up with an adventure for the neighbor and her kids. They have stayed at home and worked diligently on their school work along with playing in their yard and working in the garden with their folks.

I know that even a 'Social Distance' hike was not in the cards. So I devised a plan.

A treasure hunt on our wood 'ridge' road and along the creek. I devised it so they could go on their own and seek out the clues I send them via email. I'll leave all the gates they should go through open and let them have some fun.

I took a handful of toys and set them out.

1) If you find the Brown and White Pony near the green round feeder, you are on the right path!

2)  There's a Pretty Pink Pony who is stuck on an blackened old stump. She may be scared! Can you help her?

3) Watch out for the Guardian Bear who asks for the secret password to enter the woods!

[forgot a photo of him!]

4)  Don't climb the ladder. But another Bear is hiding? Can you find him?

 5)  Percy, the Flood Bear has built a shelter far from the creek so he will never get washed away again.

He built this under the Huge Maple Tree.

Can you spot him from the trail?

6) Go to the gate and help the Little Pony who is stuck in the tree next to the Elevator!

[When I had no safe way to climb into the creek after a large flood, I rigged up a rope to climb up and down the steep bank. The kids called it an Elevator when they first saw it years ago.]

Next, sign in at the desk and look for instructions for your next move!

[Yes, I have a school desk down at the creek. Inside is a notebook sealed in a bag with a pencil. Visitors can sign in and leave a note. I will bring a book to sit here and read once in a while. I can just squeeze into the chair!]

The note in the desk claims that there is Skullduggery afoot. To walk to the Orange Orb and look for the green paint on a tree. Skullduggery!

Head to the blue chair and walk upstream.

8) Walk in the creek or alongside it to find 4 large Stromatolite Fossils on a rock in the water. They have a red Christmas Ornament with them. You may take the Ornament and leave the Fossils!

9)  Find the two lost Dinosaurs. One is Orange and one is Green. They are near or around the Large Cotton Wood Tree with Big Roots. Hint, it is the largest tree in this area!

10)  Yippee! You finished! Now it is your turn!
Hide the items and write down clues when you hide them.

In three days it can be my turn!

So I ran this by the mom and she thought it was a wonderful idea. Three days in between setting out the toys and letting the air at them should be plenty of time for any 'germs' to be destroyed. We have all been staying at home and severely limiting exposures.

This could be a safe way to interact without ... interacting???

I can't wait to see what the kids come up with!