Catch up here...

 

For those who don't follow my  'The Long Road' blog which covers a totally different subject than what is found here I am taking a break from a lot of my fun exploring and photography fun.

Rich entered Hospice Care in March of this year and we've had one heck of a good summer fulfilling his Hospice Wish List. You've read often about Steve, Rich's fishing pal who has made weekly adventures possible for Rich and I.

Things changed over the Labor Day weekend and Rich took a huge down turn. Let's just say that my time outdoors has come to a screeching halt as I tend to hubby. He was placed on the 'Active Dying List'. We had a short 24 hr rebound and now are going through the rest of the process.

So I will be absent here for a bit, but filling in updates over 'there'. Writing about an experience has always been a cathartic exercise for me. It is no different for what is going on now. 

Things are quiet and peaceful here. 

The photo above was taken about 10 years ago with hubby riding out on a bluff with our mule Fred in the Spring when we were 'shed' hunting.

I'll leave it at that.

Another day

Marsh marigolds... I found them again with limited blossoming in the Big Spring in the valley.

The Skunk Cabbage has come up in the valley also. I guess these little workers thought they should clean up the plants before I got there.

 
An Eastern Phoebe came to visit us. I hope she/he would stick around. I liked the calls it made. These shots were just before it clouded over and became a dreary day.

So. I was looking at our budgets carefully with all the economic turmoil going on and the 'magical' tariffs that could crush us...

I noticed that Charlie's food which is a bit pricey anyway is made in the USA with components from Canada, Thailand, Peru, and about 7 other countries. The label says "Made in the USA with global components you can trust".

So. What will happen to this line of dog food? I have used Hill's Science Diet for him for a while. 

I started to look at packages to see where the parts come from or where they are shipped from. While some are thinking we might feel a bit of a pinch, I see everything we touch in our homes that is modern has 'global components'.  How did I never think of it before?

I'm just using the dog food as an example. My sweet feed is actually made at a feed mill from local sources, but not everyone can access something like that. But the mill uses 'components' to run its machinery, it pays local farmers for their product that they mix. The farmers need 'components' from other countries to fertilize and run their equipment.

I almost feel like we are entering another episode of Covid in a way. We don't know what the next week will bring or how the supply chains will react. 

Hubby tells me to chill out. He is not really worried [thank goodness for his stroke and dementia for that!]. He also reminds me that our Parents survived WWII and our Grands survived WWI, Prohibition, the Dust Bowl, the Spanish Flu, and the Great Depression. [not all in that order]

I think back to my Grandparents and how they continued to live in a lifestyle that they had during the Depression and the War through our prosperous years. They lived in the fear of everything going to hell in a handbasket as Grandpa Fred used to say.

What does this do to the future for my Grandkids? My adult kids?

I want to ignore what is going on in the news. Wouldn't that be nice? Wouldn't it be nice to go back to boring politics that no one really paid much attention to?

So, I just have to carry on trying to do the right thing, whatever that might be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cob, my Steampunk Minifig, is dealing with things quite well. Apparently he has a notion of building his own place.

Hubby's birthday is today. Yesterday his Home Health Aide brought him candy and a birthday wish. She even gave him a Birthday Hug. 

I imagine that Hospice people really get attached to their patients. I know this young lady does. She brings weekly joy into our house with a simple thing such as a bath.

For now? 

I'll take that.

Stopping for a moment

 ...to just relax and think of other things...

I went back to last summer and browsed through photos I took but did nothing with...

for today, I just want to share to peaceful tranquility...

and moments...

this taken in July while sitting on a rock in our creek...

in this place there is no cell service. No one can bother me other than insects and perhaps bird calls. I can listen to the breezes above as they rustle tree leaves.

I may try it this week, although, I would be wearing winter coveralls or something similar to a snow suit. I can just sit on the old cottonwood tree's huge roots.... and settle in and just be...for a while.

Dear Dad...

 I wrote somewhere before that I used to talk to my Dad on Christmas Eve when my [ex] husband was on duty as a Firefighter/Paramedic.

One of us would call the other and I'd sit in front of the Christmas Tree and gaze at it while we talked. I'd tell him about our latest Charlie Brown Tree and he'd laugh. We usually got a tree we could stick in the corner and not decorate around the whole thing. It worked for us. One Christmas my ex sliced through his ring finger--> down to the bone while using a sharp knife to cut the tree from the top of the Isuzu Trooper.

That warranted a trip to the ER. Neighbors watched the kids, I watched them sew ex hubby up in layers. That was a memorable Christmas. We didn't have much money then and things were pretty tight.

But the thing was, we wanted to make Christmas magical for the kids. Always. 

Still, I'd have a glass of wine and talk to Dad. I described the tree and what we did for the gifts. We discussed his life, my life, and everything in between.

I sat and sipped with the phone cradled on my shoulder [it was attached to the wall! Remember that? That was before they even made cordless phones!] . 

The tree lights twinkled and I admired the colored paper chain that the boys had made in school. The boys' had decorations they'd made in grade school that graced the tree. At the time I don't think I appreciated them as much as I would now.

We talked of life. We talked of marriage. We talked of love. Dad had an undying love for Mom even if she didn't reciprocate. That's life. He told me about his mistakes and regrets he had in his life. I told him about how much my boys meant to me. I told him about my relationships with the horses, goats, and chickens we had.

We talked for a long time. 

It was our traditional Christmas Eve chat.

I even continued it in my second marriage and move to this little farm. 

Dad got a kick out of hearing the fact that I'd go out and talk with the mules and donkeys on Christmas Eve and celebrate their birthdays on New Year's Day.

It has been many years since I've talked to him. But in my mind I still call.

Dad.
I collect horse ornaments. They are beautiful. Not as beautiful as the paper chains.

Dad.
I still go out and talk to the mules on Christmas Eve. I only have a few of them now. They like their carrots.

Dad.
I think of you on each Christmas Eve even though it has been many years since we talked. I imagine what our conversations would be like now.

Dad.
I still miss you even if it is almost 20 years since you died.

Dad.
Since I still miss you. I will have conversations in my head every Christmas Eve and I will tell you what is on my tree.

Dad.
I am happy and content. Did we ever think that would happen? Well it did.

Dad.
I still miss you every day.

Merry Merry.

Why Decorate?

Decorate or don't Decorate its a personal choice. 

For some it is a burden. The commercials flood the radio waves, the TVs, and every store shouts CHRISTMAS at every turn. For some it feels like Christmas has missed its intended purpose. Christmas is not a Currier and Ives Scene, it can sometimes be messy, it can sometimes be wonderful.

An elderly friend in the south, told me she gave up on decorating years ago.

Her life had changed significantly. Let's just say there were tragedies in her life.

Similarly, my mother decided a few years back that she wouldn't decorate anymore. She questioned the point of it and often mentioned her dislike for Christmas.

When I was young, my mother would decorate extravagantly. Outdoor lights, a real tree, delicate glass ornaments, and those large, colorful bulbs were all part of the tradition. We joyfully threw tinsel over the tree. After we stopped believing in Santa Claus, she would pile gifts under the tree as she accumulated them.... which brought us immense excitement.

As we grew older, she opted for a tabletop tree to avoid the mess of fallen needles and the need for watering. It was neater and more convenient.

Children grow up and sometimes move away. Life unfolds in unexpected ways.

Christmas occurs during the darkest time of the year, often intensifying feelings of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). The darkness, the family memories, whether joyful or painful, are very real.

Isolation is a reality for many, as are sad and enduring memories.

My mother-in-law, however, never ceased her Christmas decorating. Post-Thanksgiving, I would help her retrieve decorations from storage. She would supervise from her chair as I replaced fall decorations with Christmas ones, set up the pre-lit tree, decorated her balcony, and arranged fairy lights, a wooden goose, and her miniature village.

Her apartment would transform into a festive haven, complete with a 'feather' tree and vintage ornaments. You couldn't even reach for toilet paper without seeing a Yuletide decoration.

When my husband and I first met, he expressed his dislike for Christmas. He didn't want me to decorate. He'd spent a Christmas in Vietnam and it was not a happy time for him at all.

That didn't stop me. I first started out with his tiny 6" tree. 

Eventually, it wasn't about Christmas so much as I wanted to light up the dark cold nights with colors and a sense of warmth. It was also a chance to deep clean the house and move stuff around. 

The Christmas season became a reason to have fun to...

Display toys and let the toys play.
Decorate the dog.
Take photos.
Be surprised, take joy in imagination...

I do it for me as generally I am the only audience for my decorating. It is like creating art that keeps transforming.

At least I have a reason now to 'play'. 

If I can make December playful with the cold days and dark nights, I'm happy. After all. No one who knows me thinks it is weird when I turn the living room into a place of play.
The toys take over as they should.

It even makes Grumpy Gus smile when he walks into the room and sees Teddy Bears doing naughty things one day and the next they are sitting quietly looking sheepish.

Decorating or making the decision not to is just fine. We can be moved to do it or not.

It is such a personal preference.

For many, Christmas can be a source of stress. I often spend Christmas Eve thinking about all the times I'd call my Father late on Christmas Eve. He'd ask me to describe our Christmas Tree. I'd tell him about it and sip a glass of wine. We'd laugh, we'd chat and I'd sit in the dark and tell him tall tales and he would do likewise.

For that, I am grateful for Christmas and the memories it brings to me each year.

This year I have 3 ugly chairs to consider for the Christmas Tree Chair. Which one will it be??

Pondering....

What if I had a sit down conversation with a Farmer about Abortion? How would it go? Depends on the person's ideology of course.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You're a Dairy Farmer correct?

Yes I am.

Let me ask you another question. Do you believe in womens' health rights?

If you are asking about abortion, women should not have them. That's just not right.

So let me ask you this. What happens when one of your cows freshens too early? And she can't get the calf out?

Um. Whaddya mean?

Well, I mean she is calving but the calf has died inside and she is pushing and can't get the calf out? 

I try and pull the calf out because if I leave it in there, she'll die. If I can't get it out, I call the Vet. He's got medicine to help her get the calf out.

Wait. So you will abort your cow to save her life even before she goes down? Right?

Well. It isn't abortion really. 

Wait. It isn't? I mean if you can't get the calf out, what happens? The calf starts to rot and she dies pretty quickly right? 

Yep and then I'm outta a lotta money.

You bet you are, so you take the calf instead of waiting to see if she'll deliver it on her own.

Yep, I'd be crazy to throw away a good milk cow's life for a calf that was killing her.

So you abort her pregnancy.

No, I am saving her life.

Yes you are! Then why is it so different for human women? Shouldn't we save them from dying too? Shouldn't they get the same kind of care you give your dairy cows?

Jeesus. When you say it like that....

So we pass a law saying you can never pull a calf from a cow EVER for any reason unless she is down on the ground and near death. You and the Vet have to wait until she is gasping for her last breath before you try and save her.

I'd lose a lot of money. My farm would go belly up. You know how often that happens?

I do! I've worked on a Dairy Farm.

That kinda ain't fair. You are comparing a woman to a cow.

Oh. I guess I am to make a point. So you are saying a cow's life is more important than a woman? 

No, no .. no...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some guys can't understand women's health and what the issue is, right? It is straightforward. Pregnancy happens and a baby comes 9 months later.

Unless it doesn't.

How can animals have more rights for their health during a pregnancy than women?

Music and Moods...

So sometimes things get a bit heavy in the mind and I look for a way out. I had a wonderful workout with the Legends group this morning. One lady, Julie had an announcement. She had an appointment with her oncology team for a follow up after a day of tests. She said she was apprehensive and a bit concerned as two PA's the oncologist doc, and other members of her cancer team crowded into the exam room.

Her voice and face lit up as she announced that the latest test results showed up with no cancer cells. Our small group cheered and she cried tears of joy. She was so happy to share the news with us. Her workout buddies.

I actually cried with her!

I decided right at that moment to send any negative thoughts and those black mental clouds to another universe. What was the fastest way to do that?

Music.

Joyful music.

I listen to Pandora and turned to the station called 'Happy Radio' on my way home from work. I found the black thought clouds being chased by songs. 

Pharrell Williams with Happy was the first song to hit.
Roy Orbison: Pretty Woman...
James Brown: I Feel Good
Manfred Mann: Do Wha Diddy...

and it only kept getting better. 

Once I unlocked some cheering music I found myself smiling for no reason. The sun was brighter, the air was fresher, and my steps were lighter. 

I was energized. When I got home I played some more happy music. I wore headphones so I wouldn't wake up hubby while I was hand pulling chicken breasts and making BBQ Chicken. I couldn't help myself but do a little dancing when 

The Contours came on with Do You Love Me?

Yeah. Get this I'm doing little funky dance moves in the kitchen with handfuls of chicken I'm shredding and turn to see my husband staring at me with a smirk on his face.

His comment? 

"I was wondering if you were just having a seizure or do you call that dancing?"

Of course I'll never forget seeing this for the first time by Boston Dynamics. Their Robot dancing to 

Do You Love Me?

It sure changed my whole outlook on things. 

I'm so glad I have the Happy Radio bookmarked on my Smartphone.

Do you have a way to brighten your moods???

Do share!

This is reality

Michael Douglas in the Movie Las Vegas:

"We were 17, you know, five minutes ago. It was just yesterday. I just don't know where it all went, you know? My brain cannot conceive how old this body is."

I had a conversation via text yesterday morning with a younger friend of mine who is trying to help her mom out. Her father had died suddenly he was a pretty active man. He mowed their 3 acres and did chopping wood for heat along with anything mechanical that needed fixing. He was the proverbial handyman at home. I suspect that he handled everything around the house which included the budget and banking.

Now the mom who is in her 70's is struggling to cope with everything left on her plate.

My friend said her folks never planned ahead, never thought out what 'might' happen if one of them left before the other. No plans. 

She knew we had installed a Mini-Split in our house and wanted to know if it heated and cooled. It does, but it is for 'single zone' heating and cooling. For us, that does our entire house. We have a small cottage.

Her mom's house is a very old farmhouse. You know, the type of old farm house that has slab dab additions and is two stories tall.

I asked my friend if her mother had considered selling the mini farm and moving to a smaller and easier place to keep up. To me, it is a no brainer. I can see the wisdom of it. But she has lived in their home for 30 years or more, I can see how hard it would be to let it go.

As a kid we lived in rentals, so I was used to seeing different homes and adjusting to different places. I think the longest we lived in one place may have been around 15 years. In my first marriage, we moved a lot. In less than two years we moved 7 times.

I never laid down roots in a community, but always adjusted.

I have lived on our place now for 28 years. At one time I could never ever see moving at all. Lately? I have thought about it a lot. My brain says I can do it all, and some days I can. 

Being a Caregiver for for 8 years has changed my attitude. I cared for MIL and watched as she lost the ability to drive, to make decisions, and to care for herself. It is a cold hard fact even though my Brain says it won't happen to me. 

In the blink of an eye one morning, I became the sole Caregiver to my husband.

Both of my parents downsized from the places they had. Dad got an apartment and loved the freedom he had from all the yard work and maintenance. He said it gave him the freedom to walk about and explore the new area he lived in. It made him very happy.

My friend said that she and her sister were going to have a sit down meeting with their mom to try and help her see reality. 

Sometimes I think long and hard about the changes that need to happen for me in the future. At one time, the thought of leaving my little farm was absurd. 

Country life is amazing. Except when it isn't.

There are very few if any services in a rural area. 

Now? I wouldn't mind a  small  tiny yard that would take me 15 minutes to mow. Or a place where I wouldn't have to walk a quarter of a mile to see if our gravel road was passable in the winter. 

A place where I could have groceries delivered, catch a bus, or walk to the nearest place to eat.

These are the things that I think about while sitting on the porch in the middle of the night with the moon shining and fireflies dancing in the pasture.

Things change. But we don't want them to.

I'm doing it again.

3 years ago to celebrate turning 65, I did this awesome long hike. I took Charlie with me and it was a hot hot day.

I ended up carrying him for half of the hike. That would make it about 4 miles, give or take. Charlie is 6 now and very sensitive to hot days, so this year I am not including him. I just want to walk or hike at a leisurely pace.

Map of that hike at Kickapoo Valley Reserve.

I mentioned that I was going to do this hike again while at CrossFit the other day. The nurse who was hanging on the rig next to me said: "Count me IN! I want details!" I informed her that I intended to do a Joy Hike. 
Not running, not for time, but for the simple joy of being alive.

Yes, the map shows the hike to be about 9 miles, give or take the accuracy of the MapMyHike program I used.

But if you are not in a hurry and are just out for the enjoyments of it--really, it is doable if you are mobile.

So I posted the plan on our private group of gym folks. 

No hurry. Things needed:

Water. Lots of water.
Snacks.
Good shoes.
Bug Spray.
Happy Attitude.

A refresher for those who may not have followed me 3 years ago. The Hike.

I love hiking almost more than anything else. The equipment needed:
feet, backpack of stuff, and a good attitude. 

[Maps and compasses do help]

I know not everyone can do this, but I've had folks ask me a few times to take them along hiking. Most of the trips I've done with other brave souls are 2, 3, and 4 mile hikes. 9 may seem like a lot, but it isn't if you take it at your own pace.

We'll see if I go solo or with some friends.

Recently I offered to go walking with a friend of mine. We've known each other for years. She said that she wasn't up to my speed. I answered "But I can match your speed!" Sometimes the hike is not about how hard it is or long. It is about walking and friendship in nature.

You keep me safe, I'll keep you wild.

Move the body, still the mind.

Once upon a time...

Musing on Aging by Sandra made me think a little about how we change over all the years. We do age and it comes as a surprise to us in many ways.

Can we recognize all the changes we've had in our lives. How do we see aging now? Well, when I was in my 20's, 30's, 40's, and 50's, I didn't even think about aging. I was really just working, living and busy with other things in life.

When I was a kid. I didn't think about adults. Grandma Pearl was an old adult. I mean, Grandma's were considered old. That was just a fact. 

Me with the glasses at my Aunt's house, I think. Yes, I started life with bifocals.

School photo and shot that my dad took when my brother tied me up in the yard with jump ropes. Sometime in the 1960's.

I have many shots of me growing up, but that isn't the point. Here I am in the shot below in my early 20's with my firstborn son.

Years later with my first born grandson.

2020 during the Pandemic. Self portrait of looking out the window. I don't like photos of me, but this was done for a class.

Last 4th of July at the track with my grandson that was in the above photo.

I like the photos of me when I was young much better than the photos I have now. But it is what it is. 

Lastly, a shot of me this week at Mobility Class. We have all ages doing this together. Tory is next to me, she was the little girl who rode last week at my house.

The other folks are in the 40's and the gent is in his mid 60's.

How about recognizing those who grow older and change with age? Some folks change a LOT. Some don't.

 I looked up one of my previous foster sons just for kicks. I'd last seen him while he was in high school. He now runs a business and I wouldn't have recognized him at all except there was a photo of him on his SM page of his teen years. 

People change, some people don't change much.

Inside me? I don't feel changed at all. I can see the effects of aging outside on my skin and changes in my body. But in my mind I don't feel really that different. I seem surprised to find out that I am not quite the same person I was in my early years. 

I know people see me as aged and older. 

I used to freak out at photos of me that showed my wrinkly beat up skin. Funny, how we reach an age or reach an attitude where perhaps our once youthful looks don't really matter any more. 

I am who I am now and I am okay with that.

Ghosts of Christmas Eve

No matter what, Christmas brings about feelings of both joy and sadness for so many people. When I first met hubby, he said he didn't like Christmas very much. It reminded him of spending Christmas in Vietnam away from his family.

My mom would grouse often about Christmas for something that happened in her young life around that time of year.

Dad. Well, I don't recall Dad ever complaining about Christmas. He seemed to be enthralled with the lights and ideas of gifts for his family. He let mom take care of the shopping and wrapping, but he took so much joy in watching us on Christmas morning. I'm sure mom did too, but she was also in charge of doing all the cooking and prep work.

As a parent I rejoiced in seeing my kids open gifts and the surprise on their faces. 

Back then, when my ex was on duty as a firefighter we celebrated Christmas when he was able to be home. Santa made exceptions for Firefighters, you know.

On many Christmas Eve's when I was home alone with the kids, I'd pick up the phone and sit in front of the Charlie Brown Tree that was so lovingly decorated with paper rings and homemade ornaments along with regular glass balls. I'd call my father in Virginia and have a glass of wine while we chatted. I recall putting the glass up to my eyes to see the tree and lights through the wine and glass. It sparkled with magic.
I'd relate that to Dad and we'd talk about 'stuff'. Not important or life altering stuff, but just stuff. 

Now over 30 years later, I can look back on Christmas Memories and smile at them and feel a bit sad also.

I do miss those conversations with my Dad the most at night while sitting and looking at my Christmas decorations. I often have a pretend conversation with my Dad so he can catch up on all the latest in my life.

So my Dad is my Christmas Ghost. I want to share with him all the fun I have enjoying the lights, the trees, and of course the fun I have making 'scenes' to photograph. [Dad was my inspiration for photography].

We had long discussions on the use of light, focus, and composition.

From Promises to Keep:
Transiberian Orchestra known as TSO:

And so it's good that we remember
Just as soon as we've discovered
That the things we do in life
Will always end up touching others

Tonight, is no different. 

Okay back to the fun things...

 What a bummer to read my melancholy thoughts. But that stuff happens in the dreary overcast days of December. The days rush to be darker and more bleak, depressing, dismal, dull, drab, unexciting, insipid, and well...frankly uninteresting.

That is why we have candles and pretty lights this time of the year. This is why some of us may decorate and add life to our homes. 

I personally like winter. But I get why not everyone enjoys it. I can see both sides of the coin.

So back to some fun I go....

Who doesn't think dinosaurs should join the ornaments? I think this one adds a bit of curiosity to all the little horses that reside in the tree. This is a nod to my oldest son who loves dinosaurs.

I haven't asked the unicorns and other horses how they felt about sharing a living area with a dinosaur!

This is a fairly old ornament that I found years ago. It had a tag on it that I took off. I like horses and who doesn't love a Pegasus? I always wanted to have one to ride as a little girl.

Not all dragons under the tree are ferocious. This one seems quite happy. Perhaps it is because it got the gold beads!

This Angel horse was given to me 30 years ago by one of my 4H students. We joked and named this Cheyanne after my mare I owned at the time. Cheyanne was not an angel, but she sure was something else. This stuffed ornament did have her coloring, but not her attitude.

This is the first ornament I ever purchased for myself. It is a cheap plastic rocking horse. I have treasured it for 30 years. I've always liked how the light shines through it.

Once upon a time I had a pony mare called Lily. She had a flaxen mane and tail and was half Halflinger and Arab. She was a tough little 13.5 hand horse with attitude and a great brain. She rode, she drove on a cart and she was purely fearless. We used her to sort cattle and team pen.

She looked exactly like this ornament..

A friend of ours from South Dakota needed a good replacement mount for their 80 yr old mom who'd lost her aged riding and driving mount. We sold her. She served many years for this lady who would ride Lily across the countryside to go to town. Apparently it was shorter than driving there!
When I hang up this ornament, I wonder what adventures Lily and the elder lady had together.

The Grumpy Dragon apparently has made a new friend! She presents him with a gift under the Christmas Chair. [Personally, I think she looks a bit frightful but I suppose they are a match in attitude.]

And...

If anyone was wondering how the Brother's Odd were doing....

I saw Yeti and Big Foot walking down by the creek yesterday. I don't know what they were up to....

But their brother Chewie was watching from a distance.

I just wish they'd help each other out. What on Earth is Chewie waiting for???

If you need your spirits lifted on these wintery bleh days, I will leave you with this photo of Charlie.

Here he is getting ready for colder weather.....

It's Friday. Hug someone.

Thoughtful

 

Mindful.

Thoughtful.

Winter nights seem to give me more time to pay attention to things I wouldn't normally think of.

Mindfulness means a lot of different things. To me, I just felt that it meant to be more aware of others and their feelings.  Grandma always reminded us to be Mindful of our manners so I was a bit surprised to see that Mindfulness is meditation so that you can feel in the moment.

I looked up Thoughtful, it says to be more aware of others feelings.

Color me confused or old fashioned. I decided to chalk it up to Semantics. My definitions of thoughtful and mindful are similar. Apparently it isn't any more.

December's dreary days lead me to do more thinking. Yeah. I shouldn't be doing that. I mean thinking usually gets me in trouble. I think up scenarios all night with the preface of: What If?
In the summer I'm too tired to think of What If's since I'm physically busy all day.

I recently read Annie Dilliard's Novel The Maytrees. First off, this is a hard book to follow. Her writing jumps all over the place as if she were super high on caffeine when she wrote it. 

Sort of like me on some days when I jump around in conversation or home duties. 

The book is about a couple ... the novel explores their love, loyalty, friendship, and forgiveness. It explores the human heart. 
Usually books don't move me much. I read a lot of novels and don't even know why I decided to pick this one up. I was looking for Pilgrim at Tinker Creek and found this book at the library.

When I finished the book I sat for a very long time just being thoughtful while looking at the lights and decorations in the room.

What better time of the day than a dark cold night to sit and think about everything in life. I asked myself questions in my head.
How did I get here?
Where will I go from here?
Has my life been meaningful?
Does it really matter?

Will I make a difference?

What will it be like when I am just a memory?

Thank goodness for links...

 Drats

I really messed up this week. 

There was a baby shower for my daughter in law today. I had the invite, I had a link to things they wanted. And because of Caregiver restraints, I didn't plan on going. Oh. I wanted to. Baby stuff is awesome, cool, and oh so sweet.

How stupid of me to set the things aside and remind myself. Oh, I'll get that later. 

Of course I thought things like: Oh. It's a way off, I'll get that later. 

Meanwhile I'll take care of the pony who had colic. Oh that fence fixing stuff. Oh wait get those gutters, they're full of leaves again just after I cleaned them a month ago!

This morning I got up and made my coffee as usual. I made Rich's coffee after pouring mine into a thermos. I decided to start the day with fresh crisp air.

Charlie and I left the house in the semi dark. We heard owls talking in the distance. They weren't calling out Who Who Who Cooks for You?? 

It was another kind of owl. The world was mostly silent except for the birds starting to wake up and move about.

The sky was amazing. I sat down in the soybean field and decided just to watch the sky for a while.

All summer we had a drought with no cloudy and brilliant mornings, some mornings were dull with heavy forest fire smoke. This was gorgeous.

The colors kept changing rapidly.

This photo was edited to bring out a painted effect. 

What can I say, it felt a bit like a magical morning.

I was enjoying the fresh air when I stopped in my tracks.

It was Megan's Baby Shower today! Wait, what? Wait...what? 

Oh NO!

I'm an Idiot, I'm an Idiot was my mantra as I walked back home. I shook my head and stomped my foot and told Charlie that I was dumb, I was an idiot. And...how could I???

I tried searching the link that I'd gotten on the card and then gave up. It didn't work for me. I racked my brains. Nothing I could do anyway now. It was too late.

I went about the day with this nagging feeling that even though I was replacing busted wooden posts with t posts, I should be doing something else. I felt wretched.

[Truthfully? I wanted to be part of that happy party where all young moms and old moms -- grandmas sit around and watch the new mom to be open up all those incredible beautiful gifts. I recall the fun and pleasure of being that new mom many many years ago and how overwhelming it was that kind people gifted me items to help me with my firstborn son.]

Finally just before supper I searched my smart phone for the link my son had sent me a while ago. I paged down looking through the baby list and at the bottom it had another link which led me to Amazon. At the bottom of that list was a wish list for diapers. They had a Baby Contribution Gift in which a person could pick an amount towards diapers. There was a monetary goal listed.

Rich and I discussed diapers and talked about it at one point. Diapers are not glamourous or something too ooohh and ahhh over. However I know from purchasing diapers for my youngest son when his two youngest ones were born...that the price was pretty eye opening.

I filled in an amount and sent it off into an Amazon Gift Thingy or Whatever it is called. A diaper Fund?

The best part? An email would be sent to Megan and Eddie alerting them that they had a diaper fund within minutes of me hitting the purchase button. Holy cow, Batman! I would get a gift to them on the proper day after all!

Thank goodness for links, lists, smart phones, and on line purchases.

Now to search high and low over the next few months to find someone to stay with Rich so when the new mom and dad are ready for this old buzzard to visit, I can go.

Whew, thank goodness I didn't delete the text my son had sent my awhile ago.

Below ~
Photo of my Grand daughter Elena from
December 2013

💖💓💞

An Office Visit

I had another visit with the Endocrinologist. Actually, it was a good visit as far as doctor office visits go. I am beginning to think that health providers in my part of WI are exceptional in attitude and demeanor.

The nurse 'Jackie' put me at ease when she took my weight and brought up my chart. When she took my blood pressure ---> it was low normal. This is NOT what generally happens in any office visit. She commented that White Coat Syndrome exists but at the same time doctors sort of poo-poo it. 

Dr. Bone Doctor insisted I call her Emily. See? She wasn't so high and mighty and full of bluster at all. She and I talked about my tests which well, were much the same as they were 2 years ago. I know I've said I wouldn't try anything after reading all about these medication side effects. One of the subjects of discussion was in particular my lumbar spinal column. 

Decisions, decisions. However, I am going to give medications one more chance. One of the biggest challenges to taking medications is Fear of potential side effects. Hey, I am one of those for sure. You can read about horrid side effects and even know those who suffered from it. But...IF I can improve the loss of bone around my spinal cord with meds? I am willing to try.

Other reasons for not taking or resisting meds: 
Cost
[Yikes, this could be a whole article in itself]

Misunderstanding
[I understand how it works and what it is supposed to do]

Too many meds
[not me, this would be the only med I take compared to the 14 ones that hubby takes]

Lack of symptoms 
[I have absolutely NO symptoms. I do have back pain, but other than that? Nothing]

Mistrust 
[This is huge. Big Pharma -- only out to make a buck!]

Worry 
[Thoughts like --> I will NOT take this for the rest of my life!]

Depression 
[Hey, it is depressing to think after all my life that I may have to take something!]

Emily and I went over my concerns and we set up a plan of action. See? She and those I've dealt with in my town aren't boorish at all. They communicate with their patients.

I am going to try a med called Boniva. It works by slowing bone loss. Now, I've tried two kinds of versions of this before. But I'm willing to try once more. There is another med that is supposed to help build up bone but it takes a 6 month commitment to a shot [it could be a life time medication]. Boniva is a once a month pill form med.

I've read the horror stories.

When I left the pharmacy and got home, I'd worked myself into a tizzy. I was angry that I'd committed to trying it, fearful, anxious, and pissed at my body that had betrayed me, and in a word? I was in a Stress Rage.

I told hubby that I needed to go into a quiet room and cover my eyes and be left alone. I actually said something like: I need to go in a dark cage and have a sign on the door that says: SHE WILL BITE!

How dare my lumbar region be so fragile? I couldn't feel it, but I could see it on the Bone Density Scan. How Dare It? 

Emily told me to keep up my regular routine as I am 'fit and relatively strong'. However, I want to try and help myself and avoid compression fractures in the lower spine. That could end my ability to walk. Period.

Period...

This is the motivator for me to keep trying to improve things.

My husband says I need to stop having negative thoughts regarding trying a medication. You know what? He is right. A doctor's visit set me off in a negative way even though it was a rather pleasant encounter.

Conclusion so far. I've stayed active and strong which has helped keep me from injuries so far. I'm over my Rage at my body and now have settled into a mode of Let's see how I can help myself.