Light and dark

The limits of tyrants are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppress. ~Frederick Douglass

Some Americans are researching plans to immigrate from the United States, depending on who won. I looked up the immigration requirements to Canada. I'm not really eligible. I don't qualify in many ways. I don't have a job I can go to, I don't have a family member living there to 'sponsor' me. People with medical issues that would put pressure on Canada's medical system would also be turned away.

This is not the only country that uses these rules.

I looked it up. 

A friend of mine said she was considering going back to NZ. She'd been there in her college days on a visa and walked across the country. She'd stop and find work here and there. She loved NZ, but came back after nearly a year there. 

I can offer myself nothing other than hope and optimism. What happens now? Only history will tell us in the end.

"The light of America's promise will always burn bright--as long as we never give up, and as long as we keep fighting."

Kamala Harris

When things get dark...it is only then that we can look up and find the stars...

I'm sticking around. Here I stay for better or worse. I will not let darkness defeat me. 

I will look for the light. Seriously, I thought a lot about things last night. I am privileged. I am an older white woman. I have no uterus that the government can rule. I am beyond child bearing age. I am not an immigrant. 

I may a face a difficult future as a Caregiver. But I've lived through tough times and I suppose my next challenge will be to live through what comes next.

But I have spent 24 hours mourning our country.

I am ready to come out of the dark and search for light and hope.

This is reality

Michael Douglas in the Movie Las Vegas:

"We were 17, you know, five minutes ago. It was just yesterday. I just don't know where it all went, you know? My brain cannot conceive how old this body is."

I had a conversation via text yesterday morning with a younger friend of mine who is trying to help her mom out. Her father had died suddenly he was a pretty active man. He mowed their 3 acres and did chopping wood for heat along with anything mechanical that needed fixing. He was the proverbial handyman at home. I suspect that he handled everything around the house which included the budget and banking.

Now the mom who is in her 70's is struggling to cope with everything left on her plate.

My friend said her folks never planned ahead, never thought out what 'might' happen if one of them left before the other. No plans. 

She knew we had installed a Mini-Split in our house and wanted to know if it heated and cooled. It does, but it is for 'single zone' heating and cooling. For us, that does our entire house. We have a small cottage.

Her mom's house is a very old farmhouse. You know, the type of old farm house that has slab dab additions and is two stories tall.

I asked my friend if her mother had considered selling the mini farm and moving to a smaller and easier place to keep up. To me, it is a no brainer. I can see the wisdom of it. But she has lived in their home for 30 years or more, I can see how hard it would be to let it go.

As a kid we lived in rentals, so I was used to seeing different homes and adjusting to different places. I think the longest we lived in one place may have been around 15 years. In my first marriage, we moved a lot. In less than two years we moved 7 times.

I never laid down roots in a community, but always adjusted.

I have lived on our place now for 28 years. At one time I could never ever see moving at all. Lately? I have thought about it a lot. My brain says I can do it all, and some days I can. 

Being a Caregiver for for 8 years has changed my attitude. I cared for MIL and watched as she lost the ability to drive, to make decisions, and to care for herself. It is a cold hard fact even though my Brain says it won't happen to me. 

In the blink of an eye one morning, I became the sole Caregiver to my husband.

Both of my parents downsized from the places they had. Dad got an apartment and loved the freedom he had from all the yard work and maintenance. He said it gave him the freedom to walk about and explore the new area he lived in. It made him very happy.

My friend said that she and her sister were going to have a sit down meeting with their mom to try and help her see reality. 

Sometimes I think long and hard about the changes that need to happen for me in the future. At one time, the thought of leaving my little farm was absurd. 

Country life is amazing. Except when it isn't.

There are very few if any services in a rural area. 

Now? I wouldn't mind a  small  tiny yard that would take me 15 minutes to mow. Or a place where I wouldn't have to walk a quarter of a mile to see if our gravel road was passable in the winter. 

A place where I could have groceries delivered, catch a bus, or walk to the nearest place to eat.

These are the things that I think about while sitting on the porch in the middle of the night with the moon shining and fireflies dancing in the pasture.

Things change. But we don't want them to.

The Trail Challenge is

...finished. I completed it on Monday.

I thought I'd feel elated and ecstatic.

I figured I'd be jumping up and down when Charlie and I finished that last mile and I handed in the paperwork.

I waited for the skies to open and majestic music well up with some sort of inspiring music.

Nothing.

Even Charlie was subdued. He curled up in his car seat as I drove home. He rested his head on the edge of the crate so he could stare at me.

I reached over and turned on some music, the kind I'd expected to hear in my head when I finished.

I drove home in deep thought.

Rich was more excited than I was. He got up and smiled and asked how it went. 

I shrugged and made us lunch.

Section 41.

This was probably the most boring hike of all. It was mostly alongside a road from County F near the Billings Creek [not a trail anymore] to the trail head at Hay Valley on Hay Valley Road.

I had to park at Bridge 6 and walk back to the trail head because there was a large group of hunters that had taken up all of the parking area.

The most scenic part of this trail is the Kickapoo River at the bridge and the pond not far from it.

The pond had ice on its surface.

Alongside the road farmers had planted their winter wheat and cover crops which were brilliant green against the backdrop of the yellow-brown corn stalks and stubble. The sky was absolutely grey and lifeless.

At least there was no harsh wind to blast us as we walked this last section in wide open spaces. 

When we got back to the Subaru, I considered taking a shot of the two of us standing on the bridge in triumph. But it didn't feel like that at all. 

I woke up this morning and thought about what I'd done. I'd accomplished a goal that very few people were able to do. AND, I did it with Charlie at my side. I also involved a good friend for part of it.

It was a personal accomplishment. I'd done the 59 miles on their paperwork and many more with family and friends.

I found interesting trails that I'd never would have taken if I hadn't been 'forced' to. I got 'off' trail many times and found places I want to go back and explore more deeply.

Rich asked me yesterday, "What now?"

I didn't have an answer. I just shrugged.

But I thought about it a bit and over coffee this morning while watching the snow fall, I thought...

How many people on KVR's list of those who have done all the trail sections have ever had a repeat Back to Back?

What amazing things can we accomplish if we put our minds to it?

Indeed.

What next?

Maybe I'll just explore those secret places I found while hiking the trails. Who knows?

What next?

Our health department just posted a new Public Service Announcement notifying county residents that the small local hospital has twice now had to divert patients. The ER has been full along with all the beds. I think it was interesting that our tiny local paper didn't pick up that story. I don't want to be an alarmist, but there it is in plain language.

We had a 2 hour drive to the Mad-City VA yesterday and even though I usually hate the drive, it was a nice break from hanging around the farm and staring at the same walls each day.

We even had a picnic in the car on the way back home after we ordered food from Culvers. The good news is that ENT has released him from any more follow ups for his throat cancer. The doctor said he was marked as a survivor.

The ENT doctor also insisted that he get to see his Primary Doctor since she hasn't seen him for nearly two years. Last year, her check up was by phone and even though he was doing better last year, his health has declined since then and he needs a reassessment. 

Other changes are occurring too. I'm going in a different direction than working out at the gym or doing Virtual Workouts at home. I tried that routine and was fairly successful at it but when the outdoor temps dropped way below zero, I lost interest in trying to work out in the shed.

This morning I did a 20 minute Beginners Yoga session with a YouTube video instructor. I am a real skeptic and always thought Yoga was not a real workout or thing. 
After the 20 minutes, my back, hips, and shoulders felt great as well as my mental attitude and how was that even possible?

I followed that up with a morning walk to the ridge and back just to see how it felt and I think I had more clarity and focus to start my day.

Yoga? Pilates? My son said try Pilates if you want pain! 

My next goals? More of the same. Strength, balance, endurance, and a new addition. Mindfulness and inner calm.

If this mornings events are any indication ... it will be a win win for me through the fall and winter.

It is very refreshing to go away and take a break,

to clear your head,

and just get into something else.

~Francois Nars

234 Days ago

234 Days ago was the last time my husband and I were off the Farm together for anything social.

We'd bought candy and cards and took his mother flowers for her birthday which was to be the next day. She was turning 89 years old. Rich 'drove' his mom's wheelchair to lunch and we spent time visiting with everyone at her table at Bethel Home. She was so excited to have her son there and to introduce him to the 'cast' of characters that she had meals with.

This was the last time we were able to see her. The next day the nursing home called us to tell us because of Covid-19, they were suspending visits. However we could call and set up video calls.

That day was also the last day that I'd worked out physically at CrossFit.  Pictured is me with the two fellows I usually worked out with. We figured the gym was going to get shut down. It was...

Bam. The doors were shut. The State entered the Safer At Home Order March 25th. I'd sort of anticipated shortages at the grocery stores but was flabbergasted by the great Toilet Paper shortage.

The WI Supreme Court lifted the 'lockdown' in a court battle. I won't get into the politics there at all. We were careful. We followed the science listened to Rich's VA doctors. We turned to virtual medical appointments. And Rich thrived on being a Hermit. He went out and mowed the yard for the first time in 3 years. His memory isn't better, but around his machinery it is like he never took a hiatus.

I took up Virtual CrossFit. In order to keep my sanity, I needed to work out and challenge myself physically. 

Then the phone call came from the nursing home. Rich's mom took that turn ... I went in and sat with her for 3 days. I was not allowed out of her room and they brought meals to me.

We had a small service outside with good social distancing on July 4th. I was a bit relieved. His mom did not have to keep wondering why we didn't come to visit. We would explain each time we talked with her but she didn't understand.

Summer dragged on. The only time we saw anyone not from our farm was those who saw us at the funeral.

We had surprise guests over Labor Day Weekend from Missouri. They stayed in their camper at a local county park.

I really started to miss my friends from Kenosha and visits from my sons. I used to go hiking with my neighbor and her children. We visited once in a while across the fenceline. 

What now? 

Most of the time I'd say that I'm fine without any company. But I did look forward to visits. Ever since Rich's multiple health incidents we have stayed home most of the time. It stopped most of my travels because he can't care for himself any more. 

What is happening in our country? We are close to an election. What will happen in the next few days?

What will the next 122 days bring us?

What will I say to myself when we hit the one year mark?