Destinations...

My neighbor to the west of us came over yesterday to see about cutting down the pasture/weeds that have overgrown the area in front of the house. This is also one of the only flat-ish areas we have on our land.

Gary came over with his brand new tractor and my jaw hit the driveway gravel when I saw it. What a nice machine he finally got himself. A/C, Heat, and every other nice thing you could want in any vehicle.
He has a skid steer, a bulldozer, and cool attachments for his skid steer which is huge!

He made short work of my weeds and said the 6 ft burdock plants bogged his machine down. Imagine. I thought I could go out there with a machete and cut them. Huh. Guess I was kidding myself.

The mules are finding more grasses and browsing on the cut up plants. They don't seem particularly hungry which means they are finding good stuff all over the place.

Gary then thought he'd mess around a bit in the back side or the other meadow. He brush hogged all the multiflora rose bushes I'd been fighting for years against. He made very short work of the thistle patches. 

 When he was finished, he stopped by the house and visited with Rich for a little bit. 

I'd told Gary I'd pay him and handed him the $$$ for the current going rate for brush hogging. He peeked at the cash and then started to refuse and I said, "Please take it. Running a tractor like that costs fuel and your time. Plus, do something nice ... like take Kim out to dinner."

He looked sheepish as he pocketed the money. Rich concurred. Gary then said he was going to repair our common fence on the west side. He was going to get some cattle again to keep down the brush and grasses in his acreage. He told us that now that Kim was retired, she liked to walk on their land.  Without cattle for the past 4 years, the brush and undergrowth has gotten out of hand.

His comment was: I caught hell for her not being able to hike around and look for sheds because the woods are full of crap now that we don't have cattle.

I offered to help with the fencing. We are supposed to split the cost when doing common fences between neighbors. 

Seeing as that the fence hasn't been fixed well in over 30 years, it was really time. I can help with sharing the costs, but not much in chain sawing and stringing fence as I have to be close to the house.

Today, Wednesday, is supposed to be a fishing day, but the guy I hired last year to take down 6 trees texted me last night to come out and give me an estimate on some other work I'd like done to the yard. 

He has free time to do estimates on rainy days. I do like working with him. He is young, curteous, and does good work. AND he keeps in contact with me even when he is busy and can't get out to see me right away.

 I am also hoping to have some kind of excavating --> brush cleaning to a difficult part of the 'forest' that the gals like to hang out in. I'm going to change fencing to a more limited area. After all, I only have 3 equine left and they can't keep up with all of the growth. I can build the fence, but need an area cleared to do it.

The end game is to make this place look much nicer so it doesn't look  neglected by a couple of old fools. 

When, in the future, I am ready to move off the farm, I want it the farm to look  like a charming place instead of weedy overgrown pastures and piles of 'good' junk stuff.

I'm starting now, because in a few years, I will probably move to an area where I can get public transport, groceries delivered, access to bike trails, parks, and health care close by. I realize that I eventually won't do well in a such a remote place.

I will miss my starry nights and forest trails. But I'm sure I can find happiness in just about any place I choose to live.

The conundrum is this. If I get this little farm looking exactly how I imagine it should be, then I will I leave?

Life is a process isn't it?

This is reality

Michael Douglas in the Movie Las Vegas:

"We were 17, you know, five minutes ago. It was just yesterday. I just don't know where it all went, you know? My brain cannot conceive how old this body is."

I had a conversation via text yesterday morning with a younger friend of mine who is trying to help her mom out. Her father had died suddenly he was a pretty active man. He mowed their 3 acres and did chopping wood for heat along with anything mechanical that needed fixing. He was the proverbial handyman at home. I suspect that he handled everything around the house which included the budget and banking.

Now the mom who is in her 70's is struggling to cope with everything left on her plate.

My friend said her folks never planned ahead, never thought out what 'might' happen if one of them left before the other. No plans. 

She knew we had installed a Mini-Split in our house and wanted to know if it heated and cooled. It does, but it is for 'single zone' heating and cooling. For us, that does our entire house. We have a small cottage.

Her mom's house is a very old farmhouse. You know, the type of old farm house that has slab dab additions and is two stories tall.

I asked my friend if her mother had considered selling the mini farm and moving to a smaller and easier place to keep up. To me, it is a no brainer. I can see the wisdom of it. But she has lived in their home for 30 years or more, I can see how hard it would be to let it go.

As a kid we lived in rentals, so I was used to seeing different homes and adjusting to different places. I think the longest we lived in one place may have been around 15 years. In my first marriage, we moved a lot. In less than two years we moved 7 times.

I never laid down roots in a community, but always adjusted.

I have lived on our place now for 28 years. At one time I could never ever see moving at all. Lately? I have thought about it a lot. My brain says I can do it all, and some days I can. 

Being a Caregiver for for 8 years has changed my attitude. I cared for MIL and watched as she lost the ability to drive, to make decisions, and to care for herself. It is a cold hard fact even though my Brain says it won't happen to me. 

In the blink of an eye one morning, I became the sole Caregiver to my husband.

Both of my parents downsized from the places they had. Dad got an apartment and loved the freedom he had from all the yard work and maintenance. He said it gave him the freedom to walk about and explore the new area he lived in. It made him very happy.

My friend said that she and her sister were going to have a sit down meeting with their mom to try and help her see reality. 

Sometimes I think long and hard about the changes that need to happen for me in the future. At one time, the thought of leaving my little farm was absurd. 

Country life is amazing. Except when it isn't.

There are very few if any services in a rural area. 

Now? I wouldn't mind a  small  tiny yard that would take me 15 minutes to mow. Or a place where I wouldn't have to walk a quarter of a mile to see if our gravel road was passable in the winter. 

A place where I could have groceries delivered, catch a bus, or walk to the nearest place to eat.

These are the things that I think about while sitting on the porch in the middle of the night with the moon shining and fireflies dancing in the pasture.

Things change. But we don't want them to.

One day in the Future

My son and I talk on Sundays. My oldest son, that is. This has become a ritual since March of last year. I think we started it the weekend of the 'lockdown'. He is able to work from home and has been practicing masking and social distancing. 

I can't fathom how difficult it must be for him as he is a very social creature. Yet he perseveres with caution. He has gone to limited workouts at his CrossFit gym and has a small 'bubble' of friends that he does things with. 

He is a constant source of common sense for me. He also likes to give me grief and joke with me. 

He pulls no punches. This year he asked what did I intend to do in the future when Rich was no longer here? Would it make sense to hang onto the farm and all that it entails as I creep towards 'older' age? Did I really want to maintain pastures, gardens, and plow out the driveway? Depend on the help of others?

What would happen when I couldn't drive anymore? Of course I laughed and said that I expected him to tell me when he thought that I'd reached that point. 

"Okay mom, I'm coming for the keys." He responded. 

Harrumph. 
But he had a point. No taxis are in this rural area. I couldn't be asking neighbors to take me shopping now could I? I know it was a huge pain to take half a day to drive my mother in law around and pull out her walker and act as her spotter when she got tipping one way or the other. Grocery shopping with her had to be done, but she insisted on doing it herself. It took over an hour just to get 15 items. Afterwards, she wanted to 'do' lunch. Eventually we'd make it back to her apartment and she'd collapse in her easy chair and direct me on putting her things away.

Next she'd ask me to do dishes and make her bed. Please don't think I am cruel, but I was chomping at the bit. Rich was my full time care partner. He needed me too. He'd just had recovered from cancer treatment, a stroke, and Pulmonary Emboli. 

I fell into the caregiving category because MIL's family were too busy, too far away, or whatever else they had for reasons.

Ed said to me. "Don't think I'll be driving out there once a week to check up on you mom." He then proposed a future.

Eventually sell the place and move back to his home town. Use the farm proceeds to purchase a condo near the lakefront. I actually liked that idea. There are bus routes and bike/walking trails all over. Uber is available for rides. If I couldn't drive [my father went blind with macular degeneration] I could still get around. Since I am familiar with the area, I know there are miles and miles of beautiful trails to explore. 

Not the forest though. It is not the forest. There is the big question. Give up my forest rambling? Hours by the creek? 
And yet, I could be free to travel if I wished provided I had no farm to hold me down. I could drive places and camp. Something that has always been on my list.

My son pointed out that at least I'd be in the same town as he was. And yes he could check on me easier. 

I'm grateful for Ed and his logical mind. Yes, I'd make the change, eventually. I love this house and it is nearly maintenance free. 

I also know that I am adaptable. I've lived in Skokie, Illinois. I've lived in Kenosha County. I've lived in apartments and crappy houses. I've lived all over and seemed to always adapt quickly.

I have to be realistic. There will be a day when I can't handle all of this on my own no matter how much I work out and stay healthy. 

Rich and I talked to Ed about this and Rich thinks it is a great idea. He doesn't want to see me alone in the world without family nearby. 

I saw first hand with my MIL, the true shortcomings of help in the rural area. No transport or limited transport. Helping Hands was always stretched thin. It was a struggle to get her extra help even with the county involved. 

I've been through this with my FIL, my MIL, and Rich. Without a person willing to do everything the elderly in our area are lost.

One of my neighbors gives up time each week to go to an elder's house to help them. Good people are out there. 

One day in the future I'll be shutting the porch door behind me permanently. That only makes every day here in the NOW more important.