New Year Word

I've seen people using a word for their New Year. I had to look up what that was all about. 

Instead of a rigid resolution -- pick a word to focus on, a word to guide you through the year with focus and intent. A word that helps you make decisions. 

Our gym always ask its members for a Goal for the year too.
Some folks answer with goals such as: I will make classes 5 days a week!

Meh. I know better. If I can get in twice a week, I'm doing good. 

I'm going to get in shape! Meh. I tried that as a teen and got seriously distracted.
I'm going to lose weight! Meh. We all know how those goals go.
I'm going to ... well you fill it in. 

I skip resolutions and I skip Big Goals. I tend to think day by day.

Some sites call it a Nudge Word others call it a Motivational Word

So to choose a word: 

1. List things you want to focus on.
2. Determine common themes on your list
3. List some words that might work
4. Decide which words are most motivational [or Nudgie?]

I looked up some motivational nudge words.
Dream, Courage, Harmony, Inspire, Compassion, Growth, .... 👎

Last year I did set a goal when they asked me at the gym. I did say that I wanted to complete the Kickapoo Valley Trail Challenge which meant hiking over 59 miles of their trails. I did achieve that goal. I will make a plug for the gym folks, IF I didn't come and do Mobility and Strengthening exercises, I wouldn't have felt as good as I did to complete those trails. 

So where does this rambling bunch of words lead me to?

What are my interests? What keeps me sane?

What are my key words?
Explore.
Discover.
Curiosity.
Imagine.

Certainly not the words that I looked up [and there were a lot of them!]:

Truth, Determination, Challenge, Perseverance, Mindful, ....
They are great words, but they don't fit me well.

I think I'll choose...

Explore

It fits.

So many trails out there, so many things to see, so many things to Explore.
The challenge is to work it all in with life as a 24/7 Caregiver.

About play

This is the real secret to life--

to be engaged in what you are doing

in the here and now.

And instead of calling it work,

realize it is play.

Alan W. Watts

Some folks find it very curious or strange that I have found so much enjoyment in toy photography. I call it play and my husband thinks I am really off my 'rocker'. 

I know I've written before about toy photography. It started with an on line class in still life a few years ago. I was really intrigued by the arrangements I could make with old tea cups, flowers, and old tools. 

I had decided much earlier that when I picked up a camera again, I was going to be a 'Landscape' photographer and become someone famous. 

Still Life? It really sounded boring, but it was a challenge and I learned so much.

Anything went as long as it was odd.

I started trekking through the woods with tea cups and baubles. It was fun. It was not what was common place. 

One day my neighbor's little boy gave me a lego person and told me to put it in a picture.

And I kept experimenting.

A whole new genre of photography opened up. By golly I had sworn never to do still life. But I was playing. I was having fun.
I was challenging my brain waves. [Or lack there of..]

Hah.

Now I can be found with assorted items in my backpack while I hike the woodlands. 

Some folks think I've

lost my 

mind...

Nope, I just love being challenged by

imagination...

This is what I do for self care. I realize that now. I can immerse myself in gardening which is pleasurable for me. But sometimes I have to add something to my daily walks.

Hobby finds slime molds!

This guy fears nothing! 

And of course, there is always kindness involved. 

Experimenting with toys, Still Life, photography, and of course Infrared Photography seems dumb right? One should just concentrate on one thing and get very good at it.

One thing never holds my attention for ever. For me photography is Play.

And apparently play is great for adults.

Play helps to reduce stress.
Improve brain function.

Stimulate the mind...

Well, you know...in my case the lack of mind?

I could take up learning how to bake or be more domestic. 

But for now? 
I'm going to take those opportunities to play.

So I can still keep my sense of wonder...

Wicked Wicked Winds!

Ever try stapling hay down to feed equine? Gusts were said to be something like 45 mph!

Dang! 

The winds were incredible today and happened just to come the right way down through the hollow. The pines did the Hula, and the Locust trees whirled like dervishes.

I swear, it sounded as though we had a freight train running overhead.

Lil Richard is indoors as his pen had no place for him to get out of the wind. He is my only equine that doesn't mind being penned indoors. I put out a fresh pile of shavings for him to spread out.

Funny pony! He deposits his manure directly on the pile of shavings and beds down in the dry dirt. 

We noted that Fred [37 yrs old] is losing condition. Poor fella, his teeth are pretty much gone [molars and premolars]. We feed him Senior Feed pellets and he still acts as if he were just a teenager. He chases the gals around and herds them when he decides their hay pile should be HIS!

Fred and Hubby 2005
Wildcat Mtn State Park

I sure would love to ride there or Duck Egg again. 
That is if I could get a truck and trailer! 

So today after checking the fences and dodging blowing branches, I settled in for the day.

I did some research on a tow behind brush mower for the 4 wheeler. I think using the scythe might be a bit much for me this summer. I would still love a UTV but I'm still working on that. It also depends on what my Bird Bone meds may cost me for the next year or so.

After reading about all my horse friends riding adventures, I get the yank to get back out and ride. I really do miss it. Worst thing now is, I have no truck to pull a trailer. 

Oh, and I completely stink at pulling anything larger than a two horse trailer. I can't really get away for a nice trail ride. I have to settle for riding around here. 

Enough of that.

I had my afternoon tea with Mr. Charlie on my lap. The howling winds didn't seem to bother him a bit!

Tomorrow is Good Friday. Have a wonderful one.

Maybe Charlie and I can get outside tomorrow and inspect pastures and take a walk!

Just be quiet

Listen to silence

it has much

to say...

~Rumi

I'm in a philosophical mood today. Yesterday was quite the flop. Hubby needed to get out and run his skid steer and I got out his muck boots and walked out with him. I helped him climb into the skid steer and held his 02 backpack.

He hit the button and it wouldn't start. The maintenance guy had told me to start and use it every two to three weeks. I know I should have gone out and done it myself last week, but I met with fierce resistance from the other half.  He has forgotten that I used the skid steer for a year while he was recovering from his stroke and pulmonary emboli. 

I helped him get out of the skid steer and we headed back towards the house. He barely made it even with his little oxygen pack. I opened the door and with muddy boots and all, he collapsed on the couch while I hooked up the concentrator. I stuck the oximeter on his finger and watched as his 02 came up from 77 and his heart rate evened out.

He then instructed me to put the skid steer on a charger and get it fired up.  I am not comfortable about doing things like that and he is not up to it.

I then wondered why on earth are we even keeping that piece of machinery? Why not sell it and or trade it in for a UTV? 

I know how the discussion would go anyway. He is not ready to let it go. And who am I to discourage it? He feels he can still do stuff. 

I did suggest that he do more walking in the house than sitting and watching hours of TV so that he could get the ability to walk out to the shed to use his riding mower.

That was met with a look of distain and crossed arms.

So I decided to be quiet and not say anymore. If I can get that sucker running again, I'll just start it up and deal with it.

Eventually, I'll get things sorted. But for peace in the house, I decided to remain quiet.

His brain says he can, his body says no and he is fighting that idea. After all, wouldn't we all?

I put on my muddin' boots and headed out to take a short walk. 

The chickadees were singing. The crow called out, and a red tail hawk swooped over the meadow.

Listen to silence...
well there really wasn't any sounds of silence...

but I listened to the forest and it helped...

Welcome to March

Storms and smoke

About midnight the storms that were supposed to go around us hit and hit hard. The lightening was so often that it looked like a weird SciFi daylight film. 

Charlie had a conniption fit. The nonstop thunder unnerved the poor fella. I got up and comforted him as best I could. Rich got up and Charlie decided he was his savior. 

We watched the storm as best we could and at times we couldn't see past the porch either from the rain or a fog. Or was it both? We had winds.

7 22 

garden

7 29
the garden :(

So the damage around our place was mostly to the trees. I'd moved Lil Richard and Sven out of one of the little paddocks I have for them to the Shed Pens. Sven can get into his little indoor area through a large 'goat'/doggy type door. And Lil Richard can maneuver around to get out of inclement weather. 

[He is the only equine that will behave inside a stall in the winter..the mules try to tear the indoor pen apart]

Seems the dead ash trees to the northeast threw their branches at Lil Richard. He showed me the tiny mess when I checked on him. Sven was still sleeping.

The pen that I moved them out of had a new tree top in it.

This was Thor's old pen and the tree to the right was the one that was struck by lightening a few years ago. 

I spent an hour or so just picking up branches and debri to toss over the fence to the mules and even to Sven. They all eat the leaves, so they do a pretty good clean up. I just have to pick up the branches later and toss them on my fall burn pile.

There was actually more than anyone could eat so I dragged them off the hot wire and just left them be.

I grabbed a hand saw, a machete, and the heavy duty loppers. Off to the woods I went to check on the rest of the fence. One nice thing about this rope hot wire is that it is a cinch to fix. It generally doesn't break, but will sag and just needs tightening. I usually have to replace the plastic insulators that will break before the wire.

This box elder and another locust split and fell in the forest pasture. I'll let the mules eat the leaves off of them if they want to and then this fall hand saw it up. No chain saw for me and I know my neighbor would help, but he has had a stressful year at his work. I won't ask for help.

It will be good for me to have a late fall project.

I went all the way around the whole fence and chopped weeds off from some places and stopped to eat black berries! It started to get 'close' and I could feel myself heating up. Long sleeves, long pants, boots, and gloves... phew...

I found cool fungi and wondered what these were. I will try to ID them at a later time.

Ohhhh! And next to the top of a split oak, I found this on a log. I can't wait to get back to the woods and explore instead of checking fences!

Who doesn't love the brilliant colors of slime mold!

I got back to the house just in time to have lunch. I got an alert on my phone regarding Air Quality. They were not kidding. Cell Phone photo of what we first thought was fog. I went back out and man...IT smelled like burning plastic and wood.

And...

It did get much worse.

This was at 2pm when I went out for a few moments to pick some Queen Anne's Lace and Fleabane for a wild white bouquet.

That air was bad and I stayed in until late evening.

I worked on a project of dying Queen Anne's Lace and trying to figure out how to dry them for this winter. 

The haze and smoke let up a bit before sunset so I spent a little time watching the birds.

This morning there was nothing but an orange haze that turned into a grey overcast sky with another Air Quality Alert.

I'm bummed. 

This weekend it looks like I will spend my hours mowing. According to the NOAA we are to experience times of heavy smoke. 

So I'll mow and stop and do something crafty? The garden is toast so I will let it be, the squash and cukes can grow without much more help from me.

My flower garden took a huge hit too. The rain decimated most of my petunias and the winds flattened my 4 o'clocks. Once it dries out [2.5 inches of rain] I'll see what I can do to revive it.

Pfft.

Onward.

One day in the Future

My son and I talk on Sundays. My oldest son, that is. This has become a ritual since March of last year. I think we started it the weekend of the 'lockdown'. He is able to work from home and has been practicing masking and social distancing. 

I can't fathom how difficult it must be for him as he is a very social creature. Yet he perseveres with caution. He has gone to limited workouts at his CrossFit gym and has a small 'bubble' of friends that he does things with. 

He is a constant source of common sense for me. He also likes to give me grief and joke with me. 

He pulls no punches. This year he asked what did I intend to do in the future when Rich was no longer here? Would it make sense to hang onto the farm and all that it entails as I creep towards 'older' age? Did I really want to maintain pastures, gardens, and plow out the driveway? Depend on the help of others?

What would happen when I couldn't drive anymore? Of course I laughed and said that I expected him to tell me when he thought that I'd reached that point. 

"Okay mom, I'm coming for the keys." He responded. 

Harrumph. 
But he had a point. No taxis are in this rural area. I couldn't be asking neighbors to take me shopping now could I? I know it was a huge pain to take half a day to drive my mother in law around and pull out her walker and act as her spotter when she got tipping one way or the other. Grocery shopping with her had to be done, but she insisted on doing it herself. It took over an hour just to get 15 items. Afterwards, she wanted to 'do' lunch. Eventually we'd make it back to her apartment and she'd collapse in her easy chair and direct me on putting her things away.

Next she'd ask me to do dishes and make her bed. Please don't think I am cruel, but I was chomping at the bit. Rich was my full time care partner. He needed me too. He'd just had recovered from cancer treatment, a stroke, and Pulmonary Emboli. 

I fell into the caregiving category because MIL's family were too busy, too far away, or whatever else they had for reasons.

Ed said to me. "Don't think I'll be driving out there once a week to check up on you mom." He then proposed a future.

Eventually sell the place and move back to his home town. Use the farm proceeds to purchase a condo near the lakefront. I actually liked that idea. There are bus routes and bike/walking trails all over. Uber is available for rides. If I couldn't drive [my father went blind with macular degeneration] I could still get around. Since I am familiar with the area, I know there are miles and miles of beautiful trails to explore. 

Not the forest though. It is not the forest. There is the big question. Give up my forest rambling? Hours by the creek? 
And yet, I could be free to travel if I wished provided I had no farm to hold me down. I could drive places and camp. Something that has always been on my list.

My son pointed out that at least I'd be in the same town as he was. And yes he could check on me easier. 

I'm grateful for Ed and his logical mind. Yes, I'd make the change, eventually. I love this house and it is nearly maintenance free. 

I also know that I am adaptable. I've lived in Skokie, Illinois. I've lived in Kenosha County. I've lived in apartments and crappy houses. I've lived all over and seemed to always adapt quickly.

I have to be realistic. There will be a day when I can't handle all of this on my own no matter how much I work out and stay healthy. 

Rich and I talked to Ed about this and Rich thinks it is a great idea. He doesn't want to see me alone in the world without family nearby. 

I saw first hand with my MIL, the true shortcomings of help in the rural area. No transport or limited transport. Helping Hands was always stretched thin. It was a struggle to get her extra help even with the county involved. 

I've been through this with my FIL, my MIL, and Rich. Without a person willing to do everything the elderly in our area are lost.

One of my neighbors gives up time each week to go to an elder's house to help them. Good people are out there. 

One day in the future I'll be shutting the porch door behind me permanently. That only makes every day here in the NOW more important.

Just thinking

Just thinking.

Yep

I shouldn't do that right? I mean come on. It might cause a brain short [brain fart] or some such thing.
I was daydreaming about things I'd like to do if I ever get the time for it. I was told that my life is a piece of cake by some who thought that my 'retirement' from the work force was a road to Easy Peasy. 

Ahhh...she said, "Nice to not have to work any more right? You just do what you want!" Apparently CareGiving was never in her vocabulary.

My retirement was supposed to be filled with long days in the saddle exploring places. Or hiking exotic trails that would require me to spend two or three days in the wilderness. Another day dream was to toss Charlie [or Morris at one time] into my car and drive off to explore waterfalls and state parks. 

Though Travels with Charlie would make a better title for a good read, Travels with Morris would have worked too.

In my Day Dream I have my camera and Time.
Time. 

Time to explore. Time to sit on a log and inspect my inner thoughts. Time to spend a whole day exploring one trail and not being a slave to Time.

I could spend all day exploring light and all night exploring the stars. 

Pfft. 
My other daydream was to become a Big Hotshot Photographer! And then I realized that this wasn't a dream but a ball and chain. 

I would need THE best equipment, have lighting, have a studio and lots and lots of Stuff. Stuff!

Instead. I have a backpack. No studio. 

Some days I can even get out for a couple of hours and explore the nearby Reserve or County Parks.

I did finally save up and invest in a nice Olympus DSLR. They are super light cameras with some incredible features. Best thing? The camera doesn't mind going out in damp weather.

I have studied Fine Art Photography and wish that I were moving along in those lines. My photos seem more of a record of daily existence than of any artistic nature.  

But I would like to be Artistic. 

I have resolved that I won't find perfect but I will find everyday and real sights.

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have some of those absolute perfect shots in a portfolio.
However.

I get sidetracked while walking in the woods and sit in the snow to look at the little things. Like the roots of a Buckthorn sapling that I'd pulled this fall. I thought the stark twisted black roots were stunning against the snow. 

Twisted

I wander the same scenery every day while taking Charlie for his walk. I look at the same scenes in different light and different weather. I still am floored by how it changes with the sun/rain/fog/snow/ or cold.

Morning Frost

And then I realize something. I've been documenting or photographing places that I can just walk or ride to and take a photo. And I've been doing it for years.

Below is the old Riley Farm. Note that in 2006 it had a barn! 

I don't recall what happened to it.

2006

2014

2018

2020

Sometimes I think I am on a fool's errand. After all, who cares? Who cares about the Blue Ice or the ice caves. Who cares about my ridge. Of course right now the ridge and the valleys around our house are the only places I am wandering at the moment.

But I love embracing the moment. Capturing something that catches my eye. So what if I've shot this scene before. It is never the same. It is never perfect, because we do not live in a perfect world.

The whole point for me is just to explore and 'see' interesting things.

Bittersweet in Hoar Frost

Through the Frost to the

Forest

So I'll keep practicing and trying to learn new things. Fine Art Photography and Still Life. This summer I hope to try some Astrophotography. 

Just thinkin'.

Why not? After all, I am retired and have all the time in the world [she says with a sideways smirk on her face].

And there it is...

 

This morning I read some of the blogs I follow. My take away from The Brownstone Birding Blog is something I had been thinking about most of the day on Sunday. Larry in his blog asks if we have become too impatient these days? 

Has the internet, smart phones, instant everything ruined us? 

Yes. I think so. The last two days, I've taken an afternoon break and strung the hammock up between the pine tree and the hickory tree. I thought I'd get bored right away and fall asleep. I had my Smarty Phone with me and was going to play some music. 

Charlie wanted up and I tipped the hammock and dropped the phone on the ground. It stayed there while Charlie and I got comfortable.

After a bit, I noticed the Robin's nest above us. It was empty now whereas a few days ago the Robin had chirped at me when I was picking up sticks below it. Had her fledglings already left the nest?

A bit later I heard raindrops coming down through the leaves. Well, it wasn't raining, we are in a very dry spell. I listened a bit more carefully and I could hear something gnawing on...??? 

Pretty soon, pieces of a hickory nut shell started falling down on us. Charlie woke up and sat up. He could hear the noises too.

By golly, we had been so quiet that a squirrel had settled in above us and was eating a nut. 

For a couple of hours we did nothing. My phone laid on the ground. I listened to the squirrel and listened for birds [most are migrating away]. 

When I walked back to check on the mules before supper, I saw dozens of bluebirds launching from the barbed wire fence and flying into the forest.

When I got back, I checked the dehydrator. The sweet corn was coming along well. 

I walked through my east flower garden and took some time just to enjoy it. The dull area I had started with was now full of a riot of colors. I could stand in the path I'd made and not be seen from the driveway!

And there it is...

my thoughts for a Monday morning.