Thanksgiving Thoughts

Over the years we have been so lucky to have the 'kids' visit during Thanksgiving, even though it was the Gun Season for deer.

Hubby generally had one or two deer that he was processing. One would be for his daughter and one for us. My husband's family grew up hunting deer. My mom's family did also. 

This photo is from my Dad's archives of slides that my brother scanned and saved. This would be my cousin standing in his yard after he and his brothers, father, and uncle had a successful hunt. I think the photo would have been taken in the mid 1960's.

Hunting and family get togethers was more of our family tradition for a long time. 

I have unscanned photos from many years ago with my young boys watching their grandmother process a deer. 

Anyway. Our country families were always brought together by the hunting aspect of Thanksgiving week.

That has stopped. The big draw was my Mother in Law, she'd always put out a big meal. She was one of those people that could make magic in a kitchen without seeming to make any effort at all.

When she moved to her apartment and started to decline in health, I'd make lasagna and take it to her place. The rest of the family sort of wandered away and did their own thing.

Geography played a big part in our get togethers.

Distance does that. Sometimes travel is fun and sometimes it is just too hard on those who would like to travel but because of health reasons, cannot.

I will remember past Thanksgivings fondly even with all the extra stress that was involved.

I recall the long road trips to my Grandparent's home and the fun we had with our cousins. All we have left are photos and distant memories now.

Here are a few photos of Thanksgiving pasts...when some of the grandkids were still wee ones.

They are grown up now and doing their own things...

Time moves on. Where did it all go?

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

About now...

It seems that everyone is doing this thing where they look back on the past year.

Photographers are flooding FB with their 9 or 10 BEST photos of the year. Flickr asks users to send in their number one photo of the year.

I cannot find a favorite for the life of me.

So, photography aside. My look back on this year?

It was okay and pretty good. We are both still upright each morning. We had no catastrophic incidents and I accomplished some goals as did Rich.

I feel amazing with all the specific workouts I've been doing with Angie, my coach.

All in all?

It was a pleasant year. Rich's daughter visited him three times! Each time it made Rich's world so much brighter for a day.

I don't do New Year's Eve resolutions because I've always broke them in the past. I have goals for the next year. We'll see what happens.

I'm looking forward to short term, day by day goals. 

Maybe doing the KVR Trail Challenge again? No one has ever done it back to back. I think I can accomplish that again especially now that I know all of the trails. 

I'll work on my keeping my bones challenged and keep up my new relationships with the new neighbors. Both of those items bring me a lot of joy and social relaxation.

I do have a few favorite photos. But they are regarding moments. Not stunning 'best' photos of the year.

Moments in time that I can look back on and say that in 2022 I did something important for myself.

Here is to continuing to live day by day and looking forward...

Not

Backward.

Where did it go?

Time, that is.

10 months ago, a self portrait in April of last year. Don't mind the messy table, it is always that way. Of course this is where we eat, discuss life, and hang out. It is my 'work' station and our dining area. 

This morning.

I don't like self portraits per se. Especially now that I can see how I have aged. I wonder why it is okay for guys to be aged with wrinkles and it isn't so cool for women?

I'm an outdoors person. Most of my time is spent outside in all the weather. I've beat the hell out of my facial skin. Hopefully wrinkles will come in vogue. You know those lines around the eyes and mouth. That ugly neck that everyone covers up with fancy scarves. 

I thought it would be fun to do some black and white work while I was in the mood.

Hands. My hands and how they have aged.
Once upon a time I looked at hands that worked in an office that were primped and polished. Beautiful nails and smooth skin.

Funny how I never saw the arthritic bumps and lumps and rough skin that are my hands now. But that is the progression of age and outdoor work. Our skin is the organ we all choose to ignore.

I remember being so impressed with my grandmother's hands. They were knotted, crooked, and bumpy. I recall standing with her as she used a scrub brush to get the garden dirt out of the cracks in her fingers. She was going to church and didn't want the other church ladies to see her rough hands.

While I was thinking about hands hubby sat down to cut up and apple. He didn't realize I could 'shoot' from across the table. The benefit of having live view and a flip screen. I set the camera to silent.

If I didn't know these hands belonged to my husband, I would have thought they were my father in law's hands. Age, medical conditions, and medicines all contribute to this dramatic change. 

I find it intriguing and curious. I see his hands while he is using them, but they look so stark when caught in a moment of time.

I'm making my mind up to get more comfortable with the looks of age. After all, I can't avoid it at this point. And I am not going to look suddenly younger. 
The face in the mirror is still aging even if I don't quite feel it on the inside.

Then there was this matter of going upstairs to clean up the room I'd left a mess with things scattered about. Suddenly, I found myself distracted. 

And amused.

I went to put some things away and organize some other things.

Ahhh. 

Well there you go. Another benefit of aging.

You can always give the excuse that 'my mind wandered' while I was upstairs.

Time keeps going. Funny how we are surprised at the changes we never noticed.

Just thinking

Just thinking.

Yep

I shouldn't do that right? I mean come on. It might cause a brain short [brain fart] or some such thing.
I was daydreaming about things I'd like to do if I ever get the time for it. I was told that my life is a piece of cake by some who thought that my 'retirement' from the work force was a road to Easy Peasy. 

Ahhh...she said, "Nice to not have to work any more right? You just do what you want!" Apparently CareGiving was never in her vocabulary.

My retirement was supposed to be filled with long days in the saddle exploring places. Or hiking exotic trails that would require me to spend two or three days in the wilderness. Another day dream was to toss Charlie [or Morris at one time] into my car and drive off to explore waterfalls and state parks. 

Though Travels with Charlie would make a better title for a good read, Travels with Morris would have worked too.

In my Day Dream I have my camera and Time.
Time. 

Time to explore. Time to sit on a log and inspect my inner thoughts. Time to spend a whole day exploring one trail and not being a slave to Time.

I could spend all day exploring light and all night exploring the stars. 

Pfft. 
My other daydream was to become a Big Hotshot Photographer! And then I realized that this wasn't a dream but a ball and chain. 

I would need THE best equipment, have lighting, have a studio and lots and lots of Stuff. Stuff!

Instead. I have a backpack. No studio. 

Some days I can even get out for a couple of hours and explore the nearby Reserve or County Parks.

I did finally save up and invest in a nice Olympus DSLR. They are super light cameras with some incredible features. Best thing? The camera doesn't mind going out in damp weather.

I have studied Fine Art Photography and wish that I were moving along in those lines. My photos seem more of a record of daily existence than of any artistic nature.  

But I would like to be Artistic. 

I have resolved that I won't find perfect but I will find everyday and real sights.

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have some of those absolute perfect shots in a portfolio.
However.

I get sidetracked while walking in the woods and sit in the snow to look at the little things. Like the roots of a Buckthorn sapling that I'd pulled this fall. I thought the stark twisted black roots were stunning against the snow. 

Twisted

I wander the same scenery every day while taking Charlie for his walk. I look at the same scenes in different light and different weather. I still am floored by how it changes with the sun/rain/fog/snow/ or cold.

Morning Frost

And then I realize something. I've been documenting or photographing places that I can just walk or ride to and take a photo. And I've been doing it for years.

Below is the old Riley Farm. Note that in 2006 it had a barn! 

I don't recall what happened to it.

2006

2014

2018

2020

Sometimes I think I am on a fool's errand. After all, who cares? Who cares about the Blue Ice or the ice caves. Who cares about my ridge. Of course right now the ridge and the valleys around our house are the only places I am wandering at the moment.

But I love embracing the moment. Capturing something that catches my eye. So what if I've shot this scene before. It is never the same. It is never perfect, because we do not live in a perfect world.

The whole point for me is just to explore and 'see' interesting things.

Bittersweet in Hoar Frost

Through the Frost to the

Forest

So I'll keep practicing and trying to learn new things. Fine Art Photography and Still Life. This summer I hope to try some Astrophotography. 

Just thinkin'.

Why not? After all, I am retired and have all the time in the world [she says with a sideways smirk on her face].

9 weeks?

64 days since we went out anywhere as a couple. We visited Rich's mom in the nursing home. Before that?

Rich was at the VA in February. 75 days ago.

At first I was really put out. I missed my CrossFit time at the gym, it had become a daily ritual I really looked forward to. Good friends, good exercise, and camaraderie.

Then we had to make some tough choices. Being social was suddenly out. I've arranged some socially distancing hikes with my friend Bill.
Another would like to join us but at this point she has stated that she doesn't believe in isolation, masks, or washing unnecessarily... she believes the virus is a hoax and that when she gets it she will be just fine.
And the statistics are with her.

However they are not with my husband. So I've made a choice to not include her on our hikes.
I simply cannot risk bringing the virus to Rich.
Eventually it will happen right? I can't avoid it forever. And that is a scary thought.
No matter what, Covid-19 will find its way here, eventually. My hope would be that we find a vaccine.


I'm getting used to this isolation again. After all, I do live with a bonafide Hermit. He has no desire to go anywhere at all.

So I enjoy my walks in the woods. Yesterday I went in a light rain and just wandered about looking at tracks in the dirt/sand/mud along the creek. Looking at flowers that were struggling with the cold weather, and just exploring.

And then there is this:

Morning coffee

Or...Covid-19 Hair. Friends don't let friends do their own hair...
[It's a wig]

What a person with a camera can do when a bit bored.

Meat.
I went to the store on Friday morning and noted that the meat shelves were pretty scarce.
Yes, I have old Bart in the freezer, but on chance I messaged a friend of mine who has a country store and raises home grown beef.
I asked her to put together a beef and pork package for me [her choices...surprise me] with a few of her country store items.
I gave her a price and asked her to use her own judgement.

I'll drive to her farm this morning and hand her the money while she puts my goodies in the back of the Subaru.

Our area is unique in this way because we are rural. Neighbors are calling up other neighbors with cattle and arranging butchering on the farm or at one of the local shops.
Those who work the Farmer's Market in town on Saturdays are trying to figure out how to do something similar as we are not sure that the mayor will allow the Farmer's Market to go on as planned.

Again, we are lucky. Our rural people are moving towards the rural Farm to Table model they have been suggesting all along.

And since this was already in the works, it is working better in our local area.

However.
How do cities deal with food? I see in the news that inner city people are waiting in line for food at pantries. Our local food pantry has had a huge uptick in visitors according to Bill.

What next?
I don't know.
And I think that is what worries us so much.
There is no guidance from the folks that should be in charge.

So after my meat/store pick up, I'll be back to doing mundane work around our farm.
The yard needs a trim...
The woods need me to hike them...

and Spring is coming on fast...
I would like to enjoy it.

Life and death and decisions...

Frightful weather!

Overnight it snowed again. More snow/drizzle stuff. I spent about an hour last night cleaning out certain areas with a shovel. I had everything exactly how I wanted it and then...
it snowed again...and drizzled.

I saw an electric snow shovel on another blog I follow and thought that was the cat's meow until I realized that I'd have to keep it plugged in and a cordless one would operate for 25 to 30 minutes.
I almost considered a snow blower but only for about 30 seconds when I saw all the instructions and gas mixing stuff.
Ok, not a choice for me.

I'm still thinking of a little plowing machine type 4 wheeler job. It would get all the flat areas I needed cleared and a tiny bit of shovel work would do the trick. IF there was a blizzard and a few feet of snow, well that is different sort of story.

The weather this morning is not good so I'm not going into town until it settles down. There is supposed to be an icy mix of 'stuff' moving through.

I spent the day at the hospital with my MIL again yesterday.
I discovered that I actually do have a heart in my body. I've been accused of being too unemotional in the past and I admit it. I usually don't let emotions get in the way of pragmatic thinking.
I put 'the job' in front of me first and don't get all emotional and upset as that doesn't help the thought process.
But yesterday I sat and watched the nurses and lab lady pull blood as MIL cried out and kept crying. I wondered exactly how on earth was modern medicine helping?

Congestive Heart Failure along with Kidney Disease progresses to organ malfunction, fluids in the lungs, and a rather long list of probable outcomes. Death is the last outcome and it is unavoidable.

MIL struggled hard for air and she literally sounded as if she were gurgling.

Two members of the family had been asking if they should come. One is further away and would require a flight.
They didn't ask me though as my reply would have been 'I am at a loss as to why you haven't already come before?'

So I struggled with being the only relative there and I was the daughter in law.

I fetched a warmed blanket after the gals had gone, a CNA said she could put it on MIL.
I said, "No! I'll do it. This way she can feel me tuck her in and put my arms around her. I'm family, it is much nicer to have a family member tuck you in than a stranger."
The CNA smiled and handed me the blanket.

And as I tucked my MIL in and she groaned with delight, I felt my heart fall to pieces.

I was grateful that there was no one else in the room to see my tears or feel my heartache. Me, the ever stoic person.

And I felt anger at the daughter who had said that she didn't want to see her mom until after she had passed because it was too stressful for her.
I thought of the opportunities that the family members had passed up in the last 8 months of seeing MIL happy, clean, well fed, and chipper at the nursing home. I thought of the funny things that MIL and I have been sharing. And I was very angry and then very sad.
And then I felt grateful that I had taken the time to be with her. That I had visited.

And then I thought how much I would miss her too.

I sat back to watch her fall into a much more comfortable sleep.

And before I left for the day I wondered this awful thing.
How we as a human race will let our pets pass on when they are so ill and in so much pain.
But we won't/can't let our chronically ill people go ...or just keep looking for treatments to prolong suffering?

I'm really not a cruel person. I just can't see going through momentous efforts that cause pain and only have the same result in the end.

I am so very glad that Rich and I put together Advanced Directives and Living Wills in place. I know my son will make sure that they are carried out if I am not able to implement them.

The Pause Button...

Well to be continued... may be on pause for now.

Rich was admitted to the VA Hospital for Severe Depression, well they still call it Major Depressive Disorder. More of that over on The Long Journey.

The fog this morning was a good indicator of how things are going...

Fog and light beams can be so incredible...

It's Time ~by Morris

I looked up at her as she came in from her last 'exploration'. She put away her camera bag and strode over to the couch where I was laying to check on me.

"How are you doing buddy?"

I am always her buddy. I am always her pal.

Her hands gently caressed my fur.
I tried to tell her that I really didn't feel good. She stood up and walked to my feed bowl. It was still full.
I admit it. The new food she got was awesome and I am a glutton. I loved the soft food, special diet food she had told me. Just for me!

Special indeed. However. I had no interest in food. I barely even wanted water. I had this thing that took over me and made me shake. SHE called it pain. I called it 'nasty'. I shut my eyes and went back to sleep.
How awful. I used to spin, bark, and jump, at the mere idea of going on a hike with her.
Who would watch over her now?
Dixie? 
Well.
I guess.
I can at least say that Dixie does pay such close attention to her every move.

My ears are quiet. Seems I can't hear much. My eyes seem dim. I'm afraid to get off the couch.
My...something hurts. I shake.

She picks me up. How did it get to be so dark outside? What did time do?
She takes me outside. She doesn't yell at me for trying to pee on the porch post.

I sense she is sad.
I walk slowly past her into the house.

I unable to drink. I can't find the water. She shows me, even puts some in a syringe and puts it down my throat.
I urp on her.
I'm so tired. Just let me go to sleep.

She must figure it out. She says something about it being the middle of the night and she picks me gently up and sets me on the couch. She covers me with warm blankets and holds me until I sleep.

In my dreams, I run and jump. Badger is there. I want to ride on Badger with her! We ride together through the woods. I am in the passenger seat in a snow storm. I MUST guide her through the storm. Okay, I had no idea how to do that so I took a nap. I eat frozen mule poop. She yells ICKY! I run.
There are kids. Lots of kids. They pass through my dreams and I follow them on adventures. Always adventures. So many adventures. Floods, storms, fireflies, barking at dangerous things, walking with kids, sledding, the creek, always to the beautiful creek.

There is light and She and He are looking at me. I can't raise my head, I squint my eyes. She lifts my foot and holds it. I don't have the strength to pull it away. I normally pull it away and jump up. 

"I am tired" I tell Her. So tired, so much pain. I just want to sleep. 
It is time.

RIP, Mr. Morris. We had fourteen years of adventures together. My life will always be better and more enriched because of you.