One day at a time

Humid mornings. 

I caught this while moving the non riding mules from one pasture to another. Tomorrow I'll open the lower gate to the woods and let them get down near the creek where it is cooler...or I may do that this afternoon when I get back from the Nursing Home.

The heat index is supposed to be stifling. In other words. Hot and near 100 degrees.

The mules are doing well though, they have fresh cool water every day. I redo their stock tanks for them. 

The house is staying cool with the fans and A/C. 

I've been exhausted from sitting with MIL. During the Compassionate Visiting, you are not allowed to leave the room, so they bring you refreshments and you have access to a bathroom. 

Because of their ruling for Covid-19, you are confined.

As one nurse quipped:

This is Hotel California: 

"Relax" said the nightman.

"We are programmed to receive.

You can check out any time you like

but you can never leave."

The reference was pretty clever and I got it because I loved that Eagles song and recalled that particular phrase.

I was amused.

My question of the day is... 

Wait, what? What is THE reason to NOT wear a mask? It is NOT a statement.

Period.

Death Watch

Sunday morning I got the phone call we all dread. The Hospice Nurse at the Hospital was calling to inform Rich and his sister that the end was very near for his mother at the nursing home.

Just a few weeks ago it was determined that she'd be better served in the Hospice Program. Kidney Failure and CHF walk hand in hand and early this spring dialysis was discussed. As it would prolong her pain and cause her more pain [she totally freaks when poked by needles] it was thought that we'd address that when absolutely needed. 

I asked the Guardian to look into the paperwork that my MIL had done years ago and could be still on file with one of the larger hospitals for her wishes at end of life.

Since I hadn't seen any FB posts from Bethel Home that included photos of MIL doing activities with the other folks, I wondered how she was fairing and I'd made a note to ask the Guardian for an update.

With Covid-19 things get as we say *kittywhampus*. Shut off in our own little world of worries on the farm, I have been concentrating on safe ways to shop and do all the things we need to do to survive.

With the latest disturbing trend of infections, I've been especially careful regarding social distancing, masks, care for keeping people outside of our two person bubble at bay.

How near the end? I asked the Hospice Nurse and she said, *Don't wait.*

I'd done the chores already and had made enough food so Rich could have leftovers for his midday meal. He is too high risk to be going into the Nursing Home and he wouldn't be able to sit there very long. 

I showered and headed out the door after calling and making the phone calls I had to make. All the way into town, I my phone kept dinging with messages and questions. I can hit a button on my steering wheel and hear the messages. There was nothing but questions, so I just continued driving.

All systems are slowly fading away and she is clean and comfortable. The nurses here are exceptional and really DO love their patients. These people cannot be getting paid what they deserve. 

Elderly people used to frighten me. However spending having spent so much time at this Home in the past year has given me a different perspective.

These are not just 'nutters' stuck in a place out of sight. 

They are people, humans.

Not trash to be hidden away and forgotten. 

Pre Covid, I would spend time at some of the activities and was delighted with many of the residents.

Before the lockdown MIL's memory and time line was a bit off. She could not recall things. There were gaps in her memory and lost timelines.... but she could still come up with some wonderful one liners and make me laugh. 

Sure she was very ill with Kidney Failure and some form of dementia, but I still enjoyed visiting with her.

 

I assume it is frightening and frustrating to see mental and physical decline. It is too easy to just say that 'old' people are worthless and nothing but a burden on society. I see it in a differently but that is because it was one of MY old people.

Stephanie came and we sat together on each side of her bed. I sat on her bed and held her hand. 

I spent most of Sunday with her talking to her and later on I read her poetry from a book I'd brought with me. Don't know if she liked it or not, she sleeps, her muscles twitch, and she struggles to breath. 

I wiped the spittle of foam from her face and continued to have a quiet conversation with her. 

I told her how much I've always loved her for her kindness she has shown to me as a mother in law. And I mean it. She has always been nicer to me than my own mother.

There is a term that I hadn't heard before that is applied to her. *Actively Dying*

Her system is deciding when she will stop being. But the nurses did say that she can still hear our voices.

And so I will be doing temperature checks, wearing booties, a gown, a mask, and stay confined in a room with my MIL to be with her.

No one deserves to die in the company of strangers.

It won't be very long now, but I still need to care for my husband at home.

Life and death and decisions...

Frightful weather!

Overnight it snowed again. More snow/drizzle stuff. I spent about an hour last night cleaning out certain areas with a shovel. I had everything exactly how I wanted it and then...
it snowed again...and drizzled.

I saw an electric snow shovel on another blog I follow and thought that was the cat's meow until I realized that I'd have to keep it plugged in and a cordless one would operate for 25 to 30 minutes.
I almost considered a snow blower but only for about 30 seconds when I saw all the instructions and gas mixing stuff.
Ok, not a choice for me.

I'm still thinking of a little plowing machine type 4 wheeler job. It would get all the flat areas I needed cleared and a tiny bit of shovel work would do the trick. IF there was a blizzard and a few feet of snow, well that is different sort of story.

The weather this morning is not good so I'm not going into town until it settles down. There is supposed to be an icy mix of 'stuff' moving through.

I spent the day at the hospital with my MIL again yesterday.
I discovered that I actually do have a heart in my body. I've been accused of being too unemotional in the past and I admit it. I usually don't let emotions get in the way of pragmatic thinking.
I put 'the job' in front of me first and don't get all emotional and upset as that doesn't help the thought process.
But yesterday I sat and watched the nurses and lab lady pull blood as MIL cried out and kept crying. I wondered exactly how on earth was modern medicine helping?

Congestive Heart Failure along with Kidney Disease progresses to organ malfunction, fluids in the lungs, and a rather long list of probable outcomes. Death is the last outcome and it is unavoidable.

MIL struggled hard for air and she literally sounded as if she were gurgling.

Two members of the family had been asking if they should come. One is further away and would require a flight.
They didn't ask me though as my reply would have been 'I am at a loss as to why you haven't already come before?'

So I struggled with being the only relative there and I was the daughter in law.

I fetched a warmed blanket after the gals had gone, a CNA said she could put it on MIL.
I said, "No! I'll do it. This way she can feel me tuck her in and put my arms around her. I'm family, it is much nicer to have a family member tuck you in than a stranger."
The CNA smiled and handed me the blanket.

And as I tucked my MIL in and she groaned with delight, I felt my heart fall to pieces.

I was grateful that there was no one else in the room to see my tears or feel my heartache. Me, the ever stoic person.

And I felt anger at the daughter who had said that she didn't want to see her mom until after she had passed because it was too stressful for her.
I thought of the opportunities that the family members had passed up in the last 8 months of seeing MIL happy, clean, well fed, and chipper at the nursing home. I thought of the funny things that MIL and I have been sharing. And I was very angry and then very sad.
And then I felt grateful that I had taken the time to be with her. That I had visited.

And then I thought how much I would miss her too.

I sat back to watch her fall into a much more comfortable sleep.

And before I left for the day I wondered this awful thing.
How we as a human race will let our pets pass on when they are so ill and in so much pain.
But we won't/can't let our chronically ill people go ...or just keep looking for treatments to prolong suffering?

I'm really not a cruel person. I just can't see going through momentous efforts that cause pain and only have the same result in the end.

I am so very glad that Rich and I put together Advanced Directives and Living Wills in place. I know my son will make sure that they are carried out if I am not able to implement them.

Farm life

This summer we had a lightening strike that literally exploded a tree that was in Thor's paddock.
Thor seemed fine at the time, just very shook up. When I checked out the wires in his paddock they had been fused together. Thor didn't act much different but he started to lose some weight.

The vet said that he probably had some residual effects from the lightening strike and hadn't been struck directly but since it melted the wires in his paddock, it probably affected him somehow. Otherwise Thor seemed almost normal. The vet said there was really nothing we could do other than just watch and wait.

Thor was born on our place and was a super funny character as a donkey.

I will miss Thor's constant antics. He would take his water bucket and flip it outside the paddock. If he could find a branch...well,...

He'd hold up sticks and present them to you like a dog. Sometimes in the summer he'd stack all sticks he could find in his water tub. He loved attention and would bray at the sound of a vehicle, coyote, owl, or the neighbor's mini jack a mile away on the ridge top.
Thor was vocal. So vocal that one of the guys at CrossFit said "Oh, you are the donkey lady! The one with that loud Donkey!"

Yes, he could heart Thor from 1 mile away on certain days.

Each morning Thor would greet me when I brought him hay. It was generally a series of grunts and groans that precluded a long loud bray.

Yesterday morning, he wasn't there. I dropped his feed and went looking for him. He was laying down but didn't wake up when I approached.

He was still slightly warm but had no pulse.
Gone.

Your voice will echo through this hills for a long time and I will miss you every day.

Goodbye you big goofy donkey.

It's Time ~by Morris

I looked up at her as she came in from her last 'exploration'. She put away her camera bag and strode over to the couch where I was laying to check on me.

"How are you doing buddy?"

I am always her buddy. I am always her pal.

Her hands gently caressed my fur.
I tried to tell her that I really didn't feel good. She stood up and walked to my feed bowl. It was still full.
I admit it. The new food she got was awesome and I am a glutton. I loved the soft food, special diet food she had told me. Just for me!

Special indeed. However. I had no interest in food. I barely even wanted water. I had this thing that took over me and made me shake. SHE called it pain. I called it 'nasty'. I shut my eyes and went back to sleep.
How awful. I used to spin, bark, and jump, at the mere idea of going on a hike with her.
Who would watch over her now?
Dixie? 
Well.
I guess.
I can at least say that Dixie does pay such close attention to her every move.

My ears are quiet. Seems I can't hear much. My eyes seem dim. I'm afraid to get off the couch.
My...something hurts. I shake.

She picks me up. How did it get to be so dark outside? What did time do?
She takes me outside. She doesn't yell at me for trying to pee on the porch post.

I sense she is sad.
I walk slowly past her into the house.

I unable to drink. I can't find the water. She shows me, even puts some in a syringe and puts it down my throat.
I urp on her.
I'm so tired. Just let me go to sleep.

She must figure it out. She says something about it being the middle of the night and she picks me gently up and sets me on the couch. She covers me with warm blankets and holds me until I sleep.

In my dreams, I run and jump. Badger is there. I want to ride on Badger with her! We ride together through the woods. I am in the passenger seat in a snow storm. I MUST guide her through the storm. Okay, I had no idea how to do that so I took a nap. I eat frozen mule poop. She yells ICKY! I run.
There are kids. Lots of kids. They pass through my dreams and I follow them on adventures. Always adventures. So many adventures. Floods, storms, fireflies, barking at dangerous things, walking with kids, sledding, the creek, always to the beautiful creek.

There is light and She and He are looking at me. I can't raise my head, I squint my eyes. She lifts my foot and holds it. I don't have the strength to pull it away. I normally pull it away and jump up. 

"I am tired" I tell Her. So tired, so much pain. I just want to sleep. 
It is time.

RIP, Mr. Morris. We had fourteen years of adventures together. My life will always be better and more enriched because of you.

Mr. Morris and CDS

Oh ... wait.
What is CDS?
Cognitive Dysfunction Syndrome.

For real? Veterinarians came up with this long convoluted bunch of words for Doggy Dementia? Or Doggy Old Timers Disease.

Whatever you want to call it, Mr. Morris has it. Do you all remember when I said he was acting a bit funny earlier this summer? He got upset when plants were moved or when we parked the Subaru in the 'wrong' place.

A while ago he started this strange new behavior. Pacing. He will walk endless circles in the house from room to room. At first I thought he was unable to figure out where I was so I would call and let him know.

Remember when he started 'refusing' to go on walks or hikes? It is worse but it really isn't a refusal. He and I start up the driveway together as we have done thousands of times in our past years together.
Morris stops and stares at some leaves or...the woods, or the grass. He stands and then turns around and walks towards home.
If I let him go, he returns to the porch and walks back and forth on the porch in seemingly mindless circles.

His lucid moments are full of sweet tail wags and he loves being held.

My good friend Amanda worked for years for a veterinarian and mentioned that this behavior was a thing older dogs sometimes did. She mentioned that it is like Doggy Alzheimer's or Dog Dementia.

Well Morris is being a good sport about it. Our group went hiking with him in the creek bottom yesterday and any time we let Morris go, unattended, he simply turned and started to walk towards home.
He didn't respond to his name or a whistle. He just slowly put one foot in front of the other and headed towards home. Period. That was that.

However, he does know his way home. He will always retrace his steps and walk the path he has taken over and over on countless hikes for the past 13 years. Same path, same way. Always home.

He dutifully wears his bell and my hiking/photography friends accommodate Morris.
Their dog Scout checks on Morris and I suppose he may wonder briefly why Morris is not chasing him around like he did last year.

My good friend and sidekick Morris is slowly fading away.

But I am pretty lucky. I get to dote on him and be at his side. He is not in pain right now and is eating well. It is hard enough to watch a loved one go through this when they are human, but for some odd reason, it seems to hurt much more when it is a pet.

I am lucky to have this time to spend with Morris. We've been best pals for years and my only regret is that he won't see me into my last years of life.
However he has added so much to our lives just by being his funny little self.

So we approach each day with a smile and a lap warming session.

The End Game

I took Morris in for his follow up appointment and a SubQ hydration treatment. Dr. Grimm declared him stable as of this time.

We discussed Morris's medical future. He has Kidney Disease/Failure along with a very bad tooth. He isn't stable enough to have surgery on the mouth nor will he likely ever be. Plus, that surgery is very expensive and not recommended for dogs his age and in his condition.

As long as Morris is stable we won't be poking and prodding him a lot. As long as he maintains weight with his new Kidney Diet food and continues to drink water and not begin to vomit and have diarrhea, we are doing well.
There is a BUT in this.
But Kidney Disease is Kidney Failure and it will take his life. We don't know when or how quickly. It can be weeks or months, but Morris will succumb to the disease.

There won't be any heroics when Morris succumbs to the next crisis. That may sound cruel but I don't want to promote suffering.

So yesterday after the visit with the Doctor we went for a drive. We then walked a new trail in Jersey Valley County Park and just enjoyed the autumn afternoon.

I'd like to say that I had a philosophical discussion with Morris as we sat on a rock overlooking the lake. But we didn't. He smelled, sniffed, and was basically a dog enjoying the walk. As long as we can, we will continue with these walks, they won't be hard or demanding as we used to do, but just nice simple walks at his pace.

Morris napped comfortably in the car on the half hour drive home. He was alert and perky when he hopped out of the Subaru to oversee his farm. After he checked things out, he asked to go in and get fed.

Life is simple for him. When he feels good, he wants to be on the go. When he is hungry he lets you know. When he'd like to get up at 4am to survey his "Kingdom" he also lets you know.
Nap time is preferable if he has a lap to do it on. Otherwise his couch will suffice.

May the rest of his days be pain free.

Dynamite

Also known as Dyna, or Dina.

Dyna came to us in June of 2009 after her owner passed away from her last fight with cancer. 
Dyna came from the state of Washington, near Palouse.

She was a very welcome addition to our place. We'd promised her owner that Dyna, the sometimes cantankerous mule, who was just as stubborn as my husband would have a home forever and never be sold.

We kept that promise. Dynamite lived mostly a life of leisure. Rich would work with her occasionally and the two of them would come to an understanding in the round pen and her manners would always be better.

She learned to love coming to get caught, she stood perfect for the farrier, she loved being curried and fussed over. 

She loved racing with the other gals on the farm and was always an instigator.

She fancied herself as Lead Mare and often challenged Peaches who was our Alpha Mare for many years.

These challenges always were more bluff than anything else, but they were fun to watch.

She always though ended up with Rich. Quiet and docile. As I said, the two were made for each other.

In March of 2015 Rich was diagnosed with throat cancer and we began treatment in April.

In June we noticed an odd growth on Dynah's ear. I cleaned it as best I could and then put her in a paddock to keep an eye on it.

In the end she was diagnosed with sarcoid tumors and more than likely cancer. 
Treatment for both items was beyond our rural veterinarians. We would have had to apply to transport her to the Madison Veterinary School and await their decision. 
Treatment in Madison would have also been beyond our financial means.

We watched and waited. Dynah became miserable and started to lose weight. 

There comes a point when you cannot let an animal suffer any longer. 

Dynamite aka Dyna crossed the Rainbow Bridge on September 15th.
I know that her master was awaiting her on the other side. They are probably racing across green meadows.

I wonder if Dyna ran into Peaches and her old pasture-mate Feather from Washington?

In the end. Dynamite was loved and touched so many hearts from Washington to the Midwest. She never was sold or put on auction and was given a life of leisure until it was time to go.

I always loved trying to explain her full name to people. 
"That's Dyna."
"Oh Dinah?"
"Oh no, Dyna is short for Dynamite. You figure it out!"