Aging

There is something about aging that is great and wonderful and also so interesting and sad at the same time.

Of course none of us young folk ever thought that we would age. Surely we would never become like our Great Grandparents, Grandparents, or evenlike our own parents.

Oh what a surprise! My father would have been 103 if he were still around. My mom? How did she become someone frail and in her later 80's? 

My husband had warned me when we first met that he had severe health issues from his days in the Army and overseas. But we became soulmates and that cannot be changed by anything!

We forgot that aging would creep up on us too. I used to roll my eyes a lot when others would complain about their health or how many scans they did, or the meds they were on. Rich and I would wonder would we make that the topic of our everyday discussions?

We don't. 

Then Covid-19 arrived and I could no longer visit his mom twice weekly in the nursing home. It dawned on me that Big Berthie was lonely for family, even if she had forgotten about where she used to live and had lost memories she used to have...she never forgot about her son or daughter. 
She would recall that her daughter would call, but not recall why her daughter didn't visit.

She would talk to Rich nearly daily but not recall that he too, was a very ill person and had trouble getting out and about.

Some days I'd visit her in the home and she'd be asleep in bed. I'd sit in her room and read a book or return when I knew the staff would get her up for a meal.

I used to think that going into a nursing home to visit would be too dreary, too nasty, and maybe I'd catch something from all those folks I'd see in wheelchairs and laying in beds. Or simply by being there amongst all those folks too frail to live on their own that I'd catch Sadness and be Sad.

What I did find was the reverse. I found that visiting at meal time was actually quite enjoyable. There was laughter and jokes along with insane conversations that only could occur in minds that didn't connect to the Wifi. Or to put for others to understand, they had a bad sector in their hard drives [or brains]. Rebooting was not the solution. We just went with the flow.

Covid-19 has changed the very fabric of our social equation. Isolation for those who have health issues is more severe than ever. 

There is a strong divide between those that feel that Covid is nothing and those who feel that Covid is a threat to their very being.

My husband says he'd rather die of a heart attack than Covid. He never wants to see the inside of a hospital again. His experience on the Covid floor last year when he did not have Covid was insane.

He can remember that. The Bubble Heads and Space People in the middle of the night. The drugs and the nightmares.

So we set rules down. I get food and supplies. He stays home. He has always been a bit of a loner, but at an auction or other event like that... he used to be so sociable and outgoing. 

He does love company even though he says he doesn't. He doesn't want company because he doesn't want his past friends to hear him talk with Aphasia or see him struggle to breath. 

Seeing his daughter or grands or even his adopted 'kids' from Missouri make him smile and grin for days.

And so the other day... I was monkeying around with stuff in the kitchen and happened to have my camera near me. I turned and so this.

I leave you with this....

 

One day at a time

Humid mornings. 

I caught this while moving the non riding mules from one pasture to another. Tomorrow I'll open the lower gate to the woods and let them get down near the creek where it is cooler...or I may do that this afternoon when I get back from the Nursing Home.

The heat index is supposed to be stifling. In other words. Hot and near 100 degrees.

The mules are doing well though, they have fresh cool water every day. I redo their stock tanks for them. 

The house is staying cool with the fans and A/C. 

I've been exhausted from sitting with MIL. During the Compassionate Visiting, you are not allowed to leave the room, so they bring you refreshments and you have access to a bathroom. 

Because of their ruling for Covid-19, you are confined.

As one nurse quipped:

This is Hotel California: 

"Relax" said the nightman.

"We are programmed to receive.

You can check out any time you like

but you can never leave."

The reference was pretty clever and I got it because I loved that Eagles song and recalled that particular phrase.

I was amused.

My question of the day is... 

Wait, what? What is THE reason to NOT wear a mask? It is NOT a statement.

Period.

Death Watch

Sunday morning I got the phone call we all dread. The Hospice Nurse at the Hospital was calling to inform Rich and his sister that the end was very near for his mother at the nursing home.

Just a few weeks ago it was determined that she'd be better served in the Hospice Program. Kidney Failure and CHF walk hand in hand and early this spring dialysis was discussed. As it would prolong her pain and cause her more pain [she totally freaks when poked by needles] it was thought that we'd address that when absolutely needed. 

I asked the Guardian to look into the paperwork that my MIL had done years ago and could be still on file with one of the larger hospitals for her wishes at end of life.

Since I hadn't seen any FB posts from Bethel Home that included photos of MIL doing activities with the other folks, I wondered how she was fairing and I'd made a note to ask the Guardian for an update.

With Covid-19 things get as we say *kittywhampus*. Shut off in our own little world of worries on the farm, I have been concentrating on safe ways to shop and do all the things we need to do to survive.

With the latest disturbing trend of infections, I've been especially careful regarding social distancing, masks, care for keeping people outside of our two person bubble at bay.

How near the end? I asked the Hospice Nurse and she said, *Don't wait.*

I'd done the chores already and had made enough food so Rich could have leftovers for his midday meal. He is too high risk to be going into the Nursing Home and he wouldn't be able to sit there very long. 

I showered and headed out the door after calling and making the phone calls I had to make. All the way into town, I my phone kept dinging with messages and questions. I can hit a button on my steering wheel and hear the messages. There was nothing but questions, so I just continued driving.

All systems are slowly fading away and she is clean and comfortable. The nurses here are exceptional and really DO love their patients. These people cannot be getting paid what they deserve. 

Elderly people used to frighten me. However spending having spent so much time at this Home in the past year has given me a different perspective.

These are not just 'nutters' stuck in a place out of sight. 

They are people, humans.

Not trash to be hidden away and forgotten. 

Pre Covid, I would spend time at some of the activities and was delighted with many of the residents.

Before the lockdown MIL's memory and time line was a bit off. She could not recall things. There were gaps in her memory and lost timelines.... but she could still come up with some wonderful one liners and make me laugh. 

Sure she was very ill with Kidney Failure and some form of dementia, but I still enjoyed visiting with her.

 

I assume it is frightening and frustrating to see mental and physical decline. It is too easy to just say that 'old' people are worthless and nothing but a burden on society. I see it in a differently but that is because it was one of MY old people.

Stephanie came and we sat together on each side of her bed. I sat on her bed and held her hand. 

I spent most of Sunday with her talking to her and later on I read her poetry from a book I'd brought with me. Don't know if she liked it or not, she sleeps, her muscles twitch, and she struggles to breath. 

I wiped the spittle of foam from her face and continued to have a quiet conversation with her. 

I told her how much I've always loved her for her kindness she has shown to me as a mother in law. And I mean it. She has always been nicer to me than my own mother.

There is a term that I hadn't heard before that is applied to her. *Actively Dying*

Her system is deciding when she will stop being. But the nurses did say that she can still hear our voices.

And so I will be doing temperature checks, wearing booties, a gown, a mask, and stay confined in a room with my MIL to be with her.

No one deserves to die in the company of strangers.

It won't be very long now, but I still need to care for my husband at home.

Catching up busy...

Some infrared photos from this past week

This past week has been a busy one. Appointments at the VA and an appointment for the Subaru.
Struggling to mow the yard on the days when I won't float the mower.
Changing the oil and doing maintenance on the 4 wheeler, the zero turn mower, and working on the tiller. All jobs I that were deferred before to 'the boss'.

Thankfully, my neighbor was been kind enough to spend most of Sunday afternoon showing me how to go through these engines. I learned new terms.
Two cycle and 4 cycle engines. He even found an adjustment on my little mower and it mows better!

Now the yard is shaggy again, but I have my flowers all in and the flowers I wanted seeded...are seeded.
There are family 'things' going on but I choose not to address them on a public blog of course.

 The hill that we normally let the pony graze and keep trimmed. It has

been too wet for that this year. I 

had to hand mow it this last weekend. 

I think it looks nicer mowed than pony

mowed.

 West side of the house. I have some very hardy

plants in here,

and I moved the hosta as it 

never does well in the heat

of the summer.

I added mulch to keep

the moisture in during 

the dry spells.

Not showy flowers, but some interesting

colorful herbs.

One day I may actually put a border

around the edge.

The innards of the 4 wheeler.

It was cutting out so we took it 

apart.

I think it should be okay after

all the work we did.

I put up a hummingbird feeder next to the east window in the eating area. The Hummers are plentiful. Today I'm going to grab an Oriole feeder and put it up as well. They are trying to get into the hummer's feeder and keep landing on the porch and singing to me.

They will only be around until late June, but I would like to enjoy seeing them close up. Besides Rich enjoys seeing them also.

I've been visiting my MIL in the Nursing Home and some days she is really not very with it. Her dementia has progressed or she is confused as she is in the 'home' for now. They ... the care team is considering returning her to her apartment with more help.

Two nurses stopped me yesterday to ask if I could help them come up with an idea to keep her feet up because of her edema.

Such the rebel. MIL puts her feet down as soon as PT/OT leaves the room or one of the nurses or aids. She needs to have them up so that the edema can be controlled. I guess she has trouble figuring out night and day also. 

All this is expected going forward with dementia and her kidney failure. MIL is rather unconcerned about anything other than getting back to her own bed.

On the days I visit, I always call home on my cell phone and let mother and son talk for a while.

I did take some time for myself yesterday and managed to take a nice quiet walk in the dreary weather. I even found more morels!

I'm looking forward to a few more fun things coming up at the end of the month....