One day in the Future

My son and I talk on Sundays. My oldest son, that is. This has become a ritual since March of last year. I think we started it the weekend of the 'lockdown'. He is able to work from home and has been practicing masking and social distancing. 

I can't fathom how difficult it must be for him as he is a very social creature. Yet he perseveres with caution. He has gone to limited workouts at his CrossFit gym and has a small 'bubble' of friends that he does things with. 

He is a constant source of common sense for me. He also likes to give me grief and joke with me. 

He pulls no punches. This year he asked what did I intend to do in the future when Rich was no longer here? Would it make sense to hang onto the farm and all that it entails as I creep towards 'older' age? Did I really want to maintain pastures, gardens, and plow out the driveway? Depend on the help of others?

What would happen when I couldn't drive anymore? Of course I laughed and said that I expected him to tell me when he thought that I'd reached that point. 

"Okay mom, I'm coming for the keys." He responded. 

Harrumph. 
But he had a point. No taxis are in this rural area. I couldn't be asking neighbors to take me shopping now could I? I know it was a huge pain to take half a day to drive my mother in law around and pull out her walker and act as her spotter when she got tipping one way or the other. Grocery shopping with her had to be done, but she insisted on doing it herself. It took over an hour just to get 15 items. Afterwards, she wanted to 'do' lunch. Eventually we'd make it back to her apartment and she'd collapse in her easy chair and direct me on putting her things away.

Next she'd ask me to do dishes and make her bed. Please don't think I am cruel, but I was chomping at the bit. Rich was my full time care partner. He needed me too. He'd just had recovered from cancer treatment, a stroke, and Pulmonary Emboli. 

I fell into the caregiving category because MIL's family were too busy, too far away, or whatever else they had for reasons.

Ed said to me. "Don't think I'll be driving out there once a week to check up on you mom." He then proposed a future.

Eventually sell the place and move back to his home town. Use the farm proceeds to purchase a condo near the lakefront. I actually liked that idea. There are bus routes and bike/walking trails all over. Uber is available for rides. If I couldn't drive [my father went blind with macular degeneration] I could still get around. Since I am familiar with the area, I know there are miles and miles of beautiful trails to explore. 

Not the forest though. It is not the forest. There is the big question. Give up my forest rambling? Hours by the creek? 
And yet, I could be free to travel if I wished provided I had no farm to hold me down. I could drive places and camp. Something that has always been on my list.

My son pointed out that at least I'd be in the same town as he was. And yes he could check on me easier. 

I'm grateful for Ed and his logical mind. Yes, I'd make the change, eventually. I love this house and it is nearly maintenance free. 

I also know that I am adaptable. I've lived in Skokie, Illinois. I've lived in Kenosha County. I've lived in apartments and crappy houses. I've lived all over and seemed to always adapt quickly.

I have to be realistic. There will be a day when I can't handle all of this on my own no matter how much I work out and stay healthy. 

Rich and I talked to Ed about this and Rich thinks it is a great idea. He doesn't want to see me alone in the world without family nearby. 

I saw first hand with my MIL, the true shortcomings of help in the rural area. No transport or limited transport. Helping Hands was always stretched thin. It was a struggle to get her extra help even with the county involved. 

I've been through this with my FIL, my MIL, and Rich. Without a person willing to do everything the elderly in our area are lost.

One of my neighbors gives up time each week to go to an elder's house to help them. Good people are out there. 

One day in the future I'll be shutting the porch door behind me permanently. That only makes every day here in the NOW more important.

Dear Children

Dear Children.

Forgive me because I will eventually become old and infirm. But I won't realize it.

You may ask me to give up driving. But I may not understand why. [My father did. He asked me point blank if his driving scared me and I answered Absolutely! He quit driving.]

You may ask me to go see a doctor about something that concerns you and I may tell you to go it is none of your business or even tell you to go to hell. Be persistent and bribe me.

I may get lost while hiking. [Well, that wouldn't be so bad would it?]

You may notice that I stopped cleaning my house. Okay. Maybe not. House cleaning is NOT always my number one priority. Though I do like to keep things tidy now after our addition.
Maybe I quit making my bed. Well, that joke is on you. I never liked making the bed. Good enough just to throw the blanket over the top!

Oh. Perhaps you will find Science Experiments in my 'fridge. I am actually better at that than I used to be. So, maybe you should ask if I am trying to 'grow' something.

If I forget your name you should worry. I've always loved your names.

I may forget the year it is.
I may ask the same questions over and over.
I will tell you the same story repeatedly.
[That may not be new!]

I may forget what was told to me yesterday or argue with you over what happened. Please remember I will be on a different channel than you.
Or if you'd like to think of it this way????

My Wifi is not connected, it is trying, but it isn't quite working and it is sporadic.

My information may be different than yours.
Or...I can't always sign into my network.

I will always love my kids. That is just Mom Law.

Remember this when I can't.