This is reality

Michael Douglas in the Movie Las Vegas:

"We were 17, you know, five minutes ago. It was just yesterday. I just don't know where it all went, you know? My brain cannot conceive how old this body is."

I had a conversation via text yesterday morning with a younger friend of mine who is trying to help her mom out. Her father had died suddenly he was a pretty active man. He mowed their 3 acres and did chopping wood for heat along with anything mechanical that needed fixing. He was the proverbial handyman at home. I suspect that he handled everything around the house which included the budget and banking.

Now the mom who is in her 70's is struggling to cope with everything left on her plate.

My friend said her folks never planned ahead, never thought out what 'might' happen if one of them left before the other. No plans. 

She knew we had installed a Mini-Split in our house and wanted to know if it heated and cooled. It does, but it is for 'single zone' heating and cooling. For us, that does our entire house. We have a small cottage.

Her mom's house is a very old farmhouse. You know, the type of old farm house that has slab dab additions and is two stories tall.

I asked my friend if her mother had considered selling the mini farm and moving to a smaller and easier place to keep up. To me, it is a no brainer. I can see the wisdom of it. But she has lived in their home for 30 years or more, I can see how hard it would be to let it go.

As a kid we lived in rentals, so I was used to seeing different homes and adjusting to different places. I think the longest we lived in one place may have been around 15 years. In my first marriage, we moved a lot. In less than two years we moved 7 times.

I never laid down roots in a community, but always adjusted.

I have lived on our place now for 28 years. At one time I could never ever see moving at all. Lately? I have thought about it a lot. My brain says I can do it all, and some days I can. 

Being a Caregiver for for 8 years has changed my attitude. I cared for MIL and watched as she lost the ability to drive, to make decisions, and to care for herself. It is a cold hard fact even though my Brain says it won't happen to me. 

In the blink of an eye one morning, I became the sole Caregiver to my husband.

Both of my parents downsized from the places they had. Dad got an apartment and loved the freedom he had from all the yard work and maintenance. He said it gave him the freedom to walk about and explore the new area he lived in. It made him very happy.

My friend said that she and her sister were going to have a sit down meeting with their mom to try and help her see reality. 

Sometimes I think long and hard about the changes that need to happen for me in the future. At one time, the thought of leaving my little farm was absurd. 

Country life is amazing. Except when it isn't.

There are very few if any services in a rural area. 

Now? I wouldn't mind a  small  tiny yard that would take me 15 minutes to mow. Or a place where I wouldn't have to walk a quarter of a mile to see if our gravel road was passable in the winter. 

A place where I could have groceries delivered, catch a bus, or walk to the nearest place to eat.

These are the things that I think about while sitting on the porch in the middle of the night with the moon shining and fireflies dancing in the pasture.

Things change. But we don't want them to.

Thoughts while hiking

As I hiked the various trails on Wednesday ... and while getting a thoroughly soaked Butt, I kept thinking about the past year.

Last September my doctor had told me that I had Severe Osteoporosis. She cautioned me against going anywhere by myself [in case I fell and broke apart, I guess]. She cautioned me against riding. Again, I could easily fall apart, right?

Last Fall was spent mulling over being thought of as Fragile. Caution, Do Not Drop, This Side Up... 

Suddenly walking in the woods was dangerous and scary. I wanted to tip toe. I was waiting for the bones to just start falling out of my body.

I looked in the mirror ... and thought about bones.... bones...

Was I doomed? What next? Were my fingers going to fall off? 
I had nightmares about having to sweep up bones that fell off me. I'd wake up while the Dream Me was trying to put my bones back in place. What was the best glue to put bones back?

I was assigned some medications. One for depression and one for bones. 

The first bone meds caused severe pain after two months of taking them. My fingers normally hurt as they have arthritis. But not even being able to hold a book to read was the last straw.

The second kind of meds caused me not to be able to even walk without pain.

The doctors kept offering medications and I needed to feel better. 

I hadn't been going to the gym for several reasons. One close contact with colds -- to protect Rich -- and two? I was sure that my bones would just collapse if I went.

I arranged to do mobility classes and then some 'bone strengthening' classes. What was the worse thing that could happen? The coaches would have to pick up my bones if they fell out at the gym, right?

Anyway, here I was hiking at the speed of Light, just crushing it as they say at the gym. I was reaching a goal that I'd set for myself last January and I was doing it for Me. Just Me. I was proving to myself that I am not Fragile or made of Glass.

In fact, I felt so great that I even trotted or jogged parts of the trail. I don't know, it just happened. I felt great.

I felt like I was smashing World Records [Oh Val--don't be an idiot--you were just having fun!]

I felt pure joy and happiness.

In one year I'd gone from feeling hopeless to feeling I could conquer the world. Mother Nature played a big role in that as well as the support I've had from my friends, family, and my coaches.

I don't know if I have reversed any of the damage or if that is even possible. I do know that I feel good and I am enjoying hikes again. Mentally and physically I feel so much better than I did a year ago.

In my book, that is a plus.

Oh yes. I've been riding my mules... a lot. And guess what? My bones have not fallen out of me yet!

Hot and Stuff

This is just going to be about things I've seen over the past week including things of beauty, things that make me curious and things I photographed just because.

Wednesday's storm front. I was on the way to CrossFit when I saw that I was driving into the heart of a huge cell. The closer I got to town, the meaner it looked. According to the weather service it was to go northeast of us. 
I don't like storms, I don't like to be in storms. 
I've been in two tornadoes and one really exceptional storm in 2007.

I pulled over to the side of the road and grabbed my camera. I only had my IR camera with the 850nm filter. It really only captures stark black and white and really highlights details in clouds. We had some winds when the front came through along with rain but thankfully no damage.

Other areas had hail and up to 3 inches of hard quick rain.

Shot of the neighbor's cattle pasture at dawn. Yes, the cow in the middle of the photo is pooping. 

Dogwood. I found some! 

Wild Grapes! They look plentiful and I wonder about making grape jelly.

That would take a LOT!

Sumac. It looks like it wants to start turning colors! Heat and drought stress?

Elderberry flowers. Most are done flowering now and the berries are turning dark. This one had a tiny bee on it.

Queen Anne's Lace in the meadow across the fence to the east of us.

Ohhhh!

Chicken of the Woods? I saw it, I didn't pick it because it was too beautiful. However I would like to have an expert by my side to try something like this. 

Apparently my soldiers will keep an eye on it. It was too bloody hot and stormy to continue wandering around the woods with the heat and 'thick' air. But I will get back to it!

Indian Pipes! Generally they grow near an old oak's roots especially those oaks that have 'health' issues. Interesting to note that so many life forms are so intertwined with the forest like that. I mean I knew it, but I didn't KNOW it.

Moving right along. 

Last thing. 

The storm Wednesday night. Uffdah. The winds were pretty nasty so it looks like today is my day to go see if trees fell on the fence. Our corn was flattened and I found branches this morning down by the stock tank which is over 100 ft from the trees in one direction. Branches were down in another direction too and some found way out east of the house. No damage to buildings but small branches on top of the shed too! Interesting. You may be able to guess what I will write about later!

Mindful time

Sitting by the Creek

I hear the creek's waters
and look down through the reflections to watch
for signs of trout.
I see the sky and trees
instead.
I see the sandy bottom of the creek.
The patterns of the currents in the sand
and mud
that is crisscrossed by pieces of branches,
logs,
from a past flash flood.

I came here to think and to have some
quiet time. 
Sure that a revelation would pounce 
into my head.

Instead I am mesmerized
by reflections and 
patterns.

And I realize
this is
really what
I
came for.

The Possibilities are Endless

The other morning I wrote that while looking at a photo of little Charlie looking up the road from the mailboxes. The whole world lay at his feet and that is because Charlie knows no end to possibilities.

That got me thinking feeling a bit philosophical.
Some days the burden of being a CareGiver seems difficult.
It can be hectic and overwhelming.

Then I go to CrossFit and grimace at the workout of the day, or WOD. I see other folks who I've been working out with since last October and we greet each other and laugh.
Our coach encourages us each step of the way.

Yesterday I did the Back Squat. Ok. I was afraid of this particular lift because it involves weights and a bar. And it involves a movement that I've struggled to do forever.
Learning the proper way to lift is like learning a dance move.
[I've never been a good dancer]

I went through the motions with the rest of the group, pretty sure that I was going to have a hard time with the lift again. But I saw little Charlie in my mind and how he views his world. Never a negative thought. Always with possibilities.

So I tried lifting with just the bar.

Next I added weight, a bit at a time.

Wait.
Wait.
It felt right. I suddenly didn't feel awkward and strange like I had two left feet.

Suddenly my day looked brighter.
Then the next day I was able to do pullups on the bar with the black band. I did 3 in a row with a green and red band. Big deal? Yes.
Until then, I hadn't been able to do it that way.
Small victories in my strength.

And it isn't just about working out. It is socialization too. And for me that means a lot.

It seems that I am slowly finding my way after all that we've been through.
See?
The possibilities are endless.

Ramble Ramble ...

Spring is just around the corner. I am watching some purple house finches try to build a nest in a wreath I left on a hook on the porch. Rich wants me to take the wreath down, but I enjoy the morning visits by the finches and their song is quite beautiful.

I climbed the ladder and took a look. I guess they are just sitting there in the mornings and not building a nest. So I am going to leave the wreath until they move on or I feel like replacing the it with something else.

This morning I watched a dozen deer on the hill above the house. This is fairly new thing. I used to have cattle in that pasture and all summer I rotate pastures for the mules so I rarely see deer but I do often see their tracks.

This morning it snowed and the ground is white but it will melt.

Sunday I met up with another photographer and we hiked along the Kickapoo River in the KVR. We hiked the Wintergreen Trail and I had to laugh when the gent made a comment about him getting old. We'd just climbed down a bluff and I had pranced back up following a deer trail.
Yes I said pranced! I felt really good on Sunday!

Anyway this fellow, Brian, said he needed to catch his breath.

He and his buddies were talking about how they were getting to that age where they had to worry about things like heart attacks and such like. So I asked him what age is that? He said he was born in 1965. I burst out laughing. I didn't want to offend him, but I did then tell him that I was 9 years older. He just smiled and shrugged.

I learned a lot from Brian about infrared photography. He'd just been to a 'class' out in Utah for 9 days and was excited to share what he'd learned with another photographer.
The sky was perfect, blue, sunny, and dotted with clouds. Perfect for our IR cameras to pick up some IR wavelengths of light.

Brian had some incredible shots that he posted on Facebook that are in the colors of reflected light. Most of what I took became black and white shots.

My favorite shot of the day was this one I took with the non-converted camera with just a filter on it.
I see a face in the bluff...a Warrior! Do you?

Monday morning I felt the effects of all of the extra activities I'd done since playing soccer with kids on Friday afternoon. And when I say I played soccer, it wasn't just a little running here and there.
I literally played like a kid. Yes, I had to catch my breath a few times ... I even got tangled up with a 9 yr old and we tumbled and rolled on the slightly muddy field.
When I got to be goalie I actually prevented 4 goals.
Saturday was an all day sprint of finishing Sven's outdoor pen and moving all those heavy windows out of the corner of the shed.
Sunday was hiking in the morning with Charlie and then hiking in the afternoon with Brian along the river.

Monday morning came along. I felt stiff all over. My feet hurt, my hands hurt [osteo arthritis], my head hurt. And I found a tiny tick in my neck. Shame on me for not changing clothes after climbing around on the bluffs.
I literally took the day off.

I read a book, watched some videos about Infrared Photography, and did nothing but chores and laundry.

However on Sunday I did find Skunk Cabbage! So spring is coming even if it is snowing outside.

And I leave you with that.

My week begins today.
Lots to get done!

Winter Thoughts

I've always said I've loved winter.
This week I am changing my mind.

Here is Charlie with his 'walking' rope going up the driveway after our last snow storm. My wonderful neighbor plowed us out again, and that night the winds blew portions of the lower driveway in. I shoveled part of it because I figured it wouldn't be a big deal.
Boy was that stuff packed in!

Let's face it. This one person with a little shovel wasn't going to clear it. I could use the skidsteer but I am a bit leery of it now. Machines and I don't like each other much.

So the neighbor said he'd come down and clean this up before he and his family left on their week long vacation.

I was all smiles about that until I just looked at the forecast for the next few days.
3-5 inches of snow and wintery mix on Sunday? Then additional 'stuff' on Monday eve through Tuesday. Um.
Rich has a PT appointment on Tuesday. It looks like the additional 'stuff' could be significant.

Plan A.
Plow with the skidsteer like crazy and make that appointment.
Plan B.
Don't go crazy and reschedule.

Plan C.
Call around and see if I can get someone to plow for me.
I like plan C.
I think I will mix up plan C with plan B.


Truthfully, I could probably get out with the big ol' Truck in most weather, but I prefer not to drive the truck. The 'Ru can handle most things.
But it is the driveway hill that strikes fear in my heart.

I guess I will just have to wait and see what comes at us this week.
My freezer is full and we have plenty of food and milk...well, I could use some more coffee.
Must always have coffee.
Right?

If I get stuck at home I can work on the calendar I was supposed to make for us. And one for the neighbor ... a small gift for all of their help.

I can practice some still life.

In fact. Things won't be that much different than they normally are.

Except ... well.
Except I will miss my neighbors dreadfully.

But I will be doing some chores each day. Feeding the goats and chickens. Checking on the snakes, rabbits, and the Madagascar Hissing Beetles.
Basil is staying with neighbor's mom.

I guess if the weather gets nasty I won't stress out. I'll reschedule the PT appointment and carry on as I always do.

Instead I will find ways to enjoy the winter weather.
The temperatures will be just about perfect for hiking and exploring, at least there will not be a Polar Vortex this week!

Sometimes I just sits and thinks....

*Sometimes I just sits and thinks...sometimes I just sits...* ~ A.A. Milne from Winnie the Pooh.

I spent a long time sitting alongside the creek yesterday while my friends were exploring after a weekend of deer hunting.

I was just thinking.
Thinking about some good things that have happened to me. CrossFit is still fun and I enjoy it. I'm part of a camera club now. There will be a Field Trip to the Rotary Lights with mentors helping everyone with photography. I can always learn new things.

Rich. The newer Rich is pretty interesting. Since his depression treatments, he is either severely grumpy, thus I dub him Grumpy Gus...or very happy. I don't like Grumpy Gus times. He gets snarky and testy over every little thing.
It is hard to get him out of the house.
His knee still hurts. However it didn't seem to bother him when he was out standing for a few hours while watching for deer. But he claims it is too cold to go outside. He won't help with chores. It is too cold or it may bother his knee.

The happy guy laughs and gives me reason to smile. I like that guy. The silent guy watches TV shows on Netflix ... binge watches hours at a time... at a high volume. Then gets angry when he has finished all the seasons of a show he likes.

I accidentally started a show that we had previously watched. I said something about it being a repeat. He adamantly said it wasn't. I went in the kitchen and painted crafty stuff and wore headphones to listen to Pandora. Why not? If he can watch 6 seasons over, that is less time I have to spend searching for him.

I tossed another rock into the icy water of the creek and watched a puff of sand float towards PeeWee's.

I looked up at the Teddy Bear on the desk and thought of Winnie the Pooh and his adventures.

I pulled out the plastic ornaments from my camera bag. I'd had an idea. The Creek Bears, holidays, color, rocks, snow...and water.

I love these bears. They were lost in a flood and recovered. They have earned the right to be 'special'. I was thinking of a Christmas Card or something like that.

I took about 10 shots to find one I like and I found a flaw with this one too. How did I not see the green stuff on Percy's face? Oh well. Now I have a reason to try this again.

How about all of the bears on the desk? I can do different looks for these shots. Warmer,...colder...black and white. No sun...no shadows.

I left the ornaments on the desk with the bears looking downstream.

I went and sat on a dry flat rock and just listened to the creek for a while.
My friends were still walking above me on the hillside.

I preferred the quiet in the creek.
I mulled over the word dementia and how people can't see the brain 'damage' so it is hard for them to figure out why a person they love changes their behavior.

Perhaps if I painted a huge scar over Rich's forehead it would help me and others understand why things don't always make sense. My mother in law needs one too.

I tossed another rock in the creek. I could hear my friends coming down the hillside trail.

What was in my future? I had to think about it.

"What about it Teddy Bears?"

They didn't answer.

Why do I walk the Woods?

I really wanted to be very clever and say something with deep inner meaning and thought.
I even read Rumi for some inspiration, but sadly, his words are not my words.

So instead I told my husband that I was going to wander down to the creek. I said something like "To check the trail camera." He looked at me and smiled. He was sitting and watching Netflix. I know he is in there and he smiles, but his face is innocent and almost blank.  He also knows that what I mean to say is:

"Hey honey, I'm going for a walk because I can't sit still."

He is much better now, not depressed but still the person I used to be with has become someone else. It isn't his fault. The brain won't work quite the way it used to.

I grab a copy of Mary Oliver's book "Felicity" and my camera. I say over my shoulder as I head out, "See you in a bit!"

He nods and turns back to the program he is watching.

Funny how he never watched TV and now that occupies his afternoon hours. I can't even drag him away from it unless I walk up and hit the pause button.

I clutch the book with me and wonder why I've brought it. Really? A poetry book?
And it could start to rain at any moment.

I shrug and head out across the soggy meadow, my feet going squish squish across the grass. Actually, the National Weather Service predicted 2 to 4 inches of rain again tonight. So I am worried about the desk and the bears. 

The camera bag bumps me as I negotiate the trail down the steep hill. I can hear water falling from the 'run' off to the left. But it is getting darker out so I won't explore all of what I want to. I'll save that for another day.
I have something important in mind, but the idea is not clear yet.

I get distracted and make a slight detour.

The light is fading so I work quickly. I know exactly what I want to 'shoot'. I carefully lay the book on top of the camera bag and take some shots.

I want to see how these areas will change after another flash flood.

I can hear water droplets falling out of the trees. My book has gotten water on it. I carefully wipe it off and continue downstream towards 'the beach'.

I pick a rock to take a shot on. I need to find a good spot to 'shoot' from now until Spring. I want to see how this looks in all seasons.

Well, that is not what I came for not really.

I stand up and hold the book in my hands.

There is the desk.
It is very heavy and shouldn't wash away, but I don't want it to get damaged.

So I move it.
I carefully set the Artist Conches that the kids had drawn on aside and put them inside the desk.

I move the desk up above the creek to where it will be safe.

Off in the distance I hear a rumble.

I wipe off the desk and sit down.

And I flip open the book.
I read:

A Voice from I Don't Know Where

It seems you love this world very much.
  "Yes," I said. "This is a beautiful world."

And you don't mind the mind, that keeps you
   busy all of the time with its dark and bright wonderings:
   "No I'm quite used to it. Busy, busy,
   all of the time."

And you don't mind living with those questions,
   I mean the hard ones, that no one can answer?
   "Actually, they're the most interesting."

And you have a person in your life whose hand
   you like to hold?
   "Yes I do."

It must surely, then, be very happy down there 
   in your heart.
   "Yes," I said. "It is."

~ Mary Oliver

I close the book.

I now know why I walked the woods today.

What to live for

Yesterday was a busy day. We'd gone to the VA for appointments on Tuesday and it felt like we spent the whole day going from one place to another.
Actually we got in early and were seen early which is not the usual way things happen.

We have the Kenosha Gang coming this weekend. They aren't actually from Kenosha but I met them while living in that county.
So I was anxious to get the yard work started and at least do some picking up and preparing for their visit.
Rich's meds in the morning make him light headed and dizzy. Two inhalers plus a nebulizer treatment in the morning seems to make him wobbly. He feels constantly stuffed up and we asked the ENT folks Tuesday to check that out. They are following up on the Throat Cancer, fingers crossed...all looks good.

It seems one of the meds for prostrate enlargement is making his sinuses a bit swollen. It is a side effect. IF anyone can have an unusual side effect from medication, it will be my husband.

I looked up his meds and yes, they keep him going but sometimes I wonder if the meds are doing as much harm combined as they could be doing good? I think a major review of the medications are in order. So many of his meds have dizziness as a side effect.

The good news from the CT scan with contrast is that the aneurysm in his brain has not shown any change, nor are there any signs of new strokes.
The bad.
He feels lousy, he has no ambition or energy, he feels dizzy and out of breath often, he has tremors, and emotionally flat most of the time.
The grumpy Gus I used to be married to no longer oversees my fencing or corrects the way I do projects. He shrugs and watches Netflix or takes a nap.

Yesterday morning he sat with his coffee after eating breakfast and said, "I'm just slowly dying, fading away. I wish I could feel like doing something or just trying to do something."
I said nothing. What could I say? He was right. My husband was fading before my eyes.
The man who used to be the Take Charge Man, no longer shows interest in most things.

Hopefully our meeting next week with Neuro-Psychology will prove helpful. In a way Rich felt as if it would have been kinder if the doctors had not been able to remove the two clots in his brain and had just let him go.

So he went to bed for his morning nap and I told him that I was going to go outside and work. That is what I do when I am frustrated and feel helpless.

I started up the weed eater and attacked the long grasses next to the shed. Then I went after other messy places, those places that are so hard to mow.
After my hands began to hurt, I put the ''eater' down and started to trim with the little mower. I took breaks often, but got all the trimming done around the house.

After lunch Rich came out and mowed a portion of the yard and then went to lay down again. He said he'd finish the rest of the yard after a rest.

I proceeded to work on the new/old chair after I watered and rotated the Dexter cattle to a different section of the woods. I sat on the porch and took out my paints. I'd worked out my frustrations and now it was time to let my creative juices flow.

Remember that ugly chair?

Well I have been working on it a bit at a time.

I usually don't plan things out and just let it happen. I wanted bright cheery colors so I used brilliant yellow spray paint on the legs and added some aqua. I used silver on the back of the chair. I don't know why but just did.

I had some old white paint that needed to be used up so I painted the seat white. Boring old white.
While I was at it, I spruced up the wooden spool that we use as a porch table.

I finally got around to doing the edges....not shown here.

The plain white boring seat bothered me, so I did some touching up here and there and then started to experiment with some masking tape.

That was fun, so I began mixing the aqua, blue, green, and seafoam colors in a cap and creating my own colors and made more stripes.

Okay. Nice looking but not FUN!

The stripes aren't perfect, and the paints aren't perfect, but it had its charm. However it needed something else.

Now I am completely charmed by this old chair. If it lasts a season or two on the porch I will be happy. My butterfly happy colored chair.
It fits in so nicely with my spool table and funky table top...

Ready for company!

Charlie was exhausted.

All that supervising wore him out.

The day was still 'young' after supper was cleaned up.
Remember I said I had the Kenosha Gang visiting this weekend? They want to go riding. So I am saving some time and saddling each mule we will take with the saddle that will be used on them with each rider. Amanda will ride Sunsine in my Western saddle that I modified. So last night I saddled Sunshine and took her for a rather boring but peaceful ride on the gravel roads and hay fields.

Sunshine is out of my original horse, Cheyanne. She is half sister to my all time favorite mule Badger who is no longer with us.

And...
then...
my day
was complete...

Well in this life you must find something to live for
Cause when darkness comes a callin'
You'll go back to where you were before
Cause this life is as
Fragile as a dream, and
Nothing's ever really
As it seems...
~~Lily Kershaw
"As it seems"

Be Still...What ifs!

It is 4 AM and I awaken. The house is Still. I am the only one awake and it is still dark outside.

Charlie wakes up when I walk into the kitchen. As is his routine I let him out of his crate and we walk out onto the porch. He stands quietly and looks around in the pre dawn dark. There is a hint of light to the woods in the northwest sky.
He does his business and we walk back into the house where I warm up some coffee from yesterday's leftovers while I feed Charlie. It is early for him but he doesn't mind and he quietly munches away.

My morning musings are not light and airy. I awakened with all sorts of jobs to do on my mind. The yard that needs mowing, the garden that needs tilling, dog food for Dixie, checking the forest fence, and the CT scan that was ordered for Rich tomorrow. Company for the weekend. Shipping the extra head of cattle, ... getting the diesel truck in for service. MIL...

I generally awaken in the middle of the night with the 'What ifs'. What if this happens, what will I do? What if ...
I hate the What ifs.

I flip open my laptop and sip coffee. No, I am not going to read the news, so I check the emails and turn my cell phone on to Airplane mode.
I click on a song I heard last night while watching an old episode on Criminal Minds. I play it and am stunned again by the song. I'd never heard of the group nor the song but for some reason it hits home.
Be Still by The Fray.

I listen to it again.
I finish my coffee and close the laptop.

Charlie looks up and in the semi dark I attach his cord and grab my camera case. We walk up the long hill. The sky is now giving us a private showing of pinks and purples breaking away the night into a new day.
I pick up Charlie and show him the sky. I want him to be as awestruck as I am.
Well, he isn't. He is more interested in deer poop. I let him down and he walks with me to the ridge.

And I stand still. I am still.

I walk a bit further down the road towards the south.

And then I just stand. I watch the fog and the colors change. The fog creeps up and the trees in the distance disappear.

The song is repeating in my head now, echoes of the words... Be Still, over and over...and the lyrics...
I sigh and watch the day break.

Charlie and I head home. I have to make fresh coffee.
Daybreak was amazing and I feel sorry for those people who never make the time to experience the special show that is put on for them each day.


Be Still ~ The Fray
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know

When the darkness comes upon you
And colors you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name

If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know

And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still

If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am

Be Still

In This Moment.....

....we felt invincible ...
Dixie and I.

Maybe it was the thundering of snow melt rushing through the dry run below us.

Maybe it was the golden sunlight at our backs.

Perhaps it was our shadows from the late winter sun on the slope in front of us.

I held on to it, the feeling of power, the sounds.
The moment.

And I felt something stir within.
And it was very powerful.

What should we do today?

"What do you want to do?" I asked hubby as he sat at the kitchen window and stared out at the cloudy dismal looking day.

"Is it going to clear up?" he asked. I checked the weather. 40% chance of showers on and off during he day. I told him that.

"Is it going to clear up?" he asked again.

I shrugged and then replied, "Well what are you thinking?"

"Well, if it is going to clear up, then we could try Runge Hollow and go fishing." He stated.
Rich had fishing on his mind. Funny how when a thought these days comes into his head, it gets stuck and rumbles around repeatedly over and over. No fault of his though, the though rattles about until we address it in one way or another.

"We have rain gear," I reminded him, "some pretty good rain gear. Why don't we just grab it and go? We can pick up worms on the way through town."

He stared out the window for a bit without seeing anything. Once that look concerned me as he would be having obtrusive PTSD thoughts of combat long ago.
Now after the stroke he had told me, things are just blank. Nothing is there.
He seems more soft and not as harsh around the emotional edges.

I got up from the table and grabbed his rain gear and then directed him step by step on items we needed. On days like this, he needed more than the usual guidance.
In no time at all we were headed towards Runge Hollow.

And it did rain off and on.
You can't see it in these shots, but when we had 6 or more inches in a 24 hour period in July the water rose in this man made lake up at least 5 feet, the leaves on the trees on the opposite edge of the lake had mud on them.

Runge Hollow Dam holds back some of the Bad Axe River and keeps it from flooding out those downstream from it. Our county has a series of man made lakes and dams that are flood control projects.

We fished the rest of the day and enjoyed the peace and quiet of having the place all to ourselves. And yes, we got enough to have a nice supper on Friday night.

The other side of the Dam...

Our fishing spot for most of the afternoon.

If you look hard you can see Rich down next to the intake. There is a vehicle in the upper left driving up County Road Y which is on top of the dam.

A view across from the dam where the boat dock used to be along with the wheel chair access. I believe they were washed away in the flood last September of 2016.

I learned that just because it is raining, it doesn't mean you can't go fishing.
I recall something my Grandfather Fred used to say.

"It's raining outside, let's have a picnic!"

It never really made sense. But now I can say..."It's raining outside! Let's Go Fishing!"