Thursday, April 07, 2005

Death with dignity

Last nite I sat in the Critical Care Unit with my FIL, my MIL, and my dh. FIL was the patient. His doctor broke down into tears as she asked us if we wanted to continue with trying to fight a no win battle.

We thanked her and said no, please let our 'dad' die with dignity.
I made the phone calls from the family room, tearfully. Then went back to sit with FIL and hold his hand while he began the long journey. We hugged him and held him, told him that the pain would no longer hurt him.

Dh held his face in his hands and kissed him tenderly. 'You don't have to hurt no more Pa. I love you so very much.'

I leaned down and brushed my lips against his face. 'I'll take care of Rich, you can count on it.' His eyes found mine and he nodded b/c talking was too much of an effort.

We sat quietly watching the monitor...the heart rate slowed, the breathing slowed, we gathered quietly all holding hands and watched my FIL close his eyes quietly: to rest forever.

I couldn't cry, I was too full of emotion. So watchful of my dh, and MIL, they cried quietly...they held each other tightly... then they asked me to make the phone calls again, which I did.

I stared out 6 floors above the Mississippi River and told my sad news to my husband's family. Then to my sons. Both who cried.

I'm still not allowed to grieve as I have to hold the pieces together as I promised Lonnie I would one month ago. He asked me to keep the peace after he had ride shotgun over his son.

Today my dh was frustrated as he felt he had no control over helping out with the arrangements. Tonight ended with an arguement at his mom's house. He felt I was betraying him when I told him to back off.
I said MIL is grieving too. She is under as much stress as you. Back off and leave her be.

And Lonnie comes to mind, a twinkle in his eye and a point of the finger at me with a grin...I see us sitting together on the porch and Lonnie saying to me:
Please watch over my son. You have done such a good job, and I will someday have to leave it to you solo.

Lonnie, I really miss you tonite.
Your DIL

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