Waldeinsamkeit

Waldeinsamkeit is what I have been looking for. 

According to Dictionary.com it is a combination of two words. I really love this word and what it means.
It helped me answer that stupid midnight question of Who am I?

I am ... as one very wise friend told me: Who do you want to be today?

Today I say: I am ... this ~

and I dance to music in the kitchen with my headphones on while making beef stew.

Tomorrow I say: I am ... this ~

and I open my arms to encompass my tiny farm.

The next day I say: I am ... this ~

and I open up my backpack and pull out my camera.

...

Another day I say: I am ... this ~

a medical advocate or

... making spreadsheets and accounts of all expenses...planning meals... planning 

The next day I say: I am...this ~

imagination running wild.

Finally I say: I am...this ~

Waldeinsamkeit.

Caregivers workshop

 Caregivers workshop....

some bulletin points to ponder and share with you.

• We never expected to be Caregivers.
• We did not apply for the job.
• We never trained for this job.
• We are sometimes angry.
• We may feel guilty about being angry.
• We chose to be Caregivers.
• We can walk away but we don't.
• We are often stressed.
• We all know that caregiving can bring a lot of joy to our lives.

Problem solving is part of our class for this week. I won't share conversations about it, but there seem to be many people out there that are giving care but are having such a hard time coping due to poor health themselves along with the person they are caring for.

I am so very lucky in the sense I seem to be in very good health. The hardest thing to deal with right now of course is Isolation and Communication. Also there is dealing with the frustrations of trying to get the person I care for to follow instructions to keep his health halfway decent. Every three or four days we seem to run into that same problem over and over. I'd had to see a medication change because of it but it may be what would be in store for him.

The morning's discussions are lost by noon or 1pm gone into mental greyspace. But in general, he is a happy person. That is why I don't want to change the meds.

Yesterday I was getting ready to order our winter hay and he decided that he would shop around. I told him that he had until Monday to find someone who would bring us 30 large squares and deliver them. I know he won't call around but I have to at least give him the chance to hold on to his dignity.

He forgot of course.

On a good note, I'm getting him used to the idea that there are a few things I need to have fixed around the place and my neighbor's son has been working as a 'handy' man. New belts on the lawn mower? Maybe I can hire it done. Fix the kitchen sink? Perhaps I can get a new 'cartridge' installed by hiring it done. IF it can be done on a nice day with the windows open and masks of course.

Problem Solving. 

Yup, I'm on it...

That's the way things go...

Beautiful Night Hike at Wildcat Mountain State Park:

The full moon was bright and clear once it came above the horizon.

Tiki Torches lit the trail which was a bit slick in spots from the ice storm. But it was worth it!

I took the above shot knowing that it would turn out pretty crappy, but in my mind's eye...

I saw this:

After all, the moon the trees, the reflections off the ice and snow where amazing and so beautiful!


I'd made some awesome creamed chicken soup from leftovers and so Sunday was just a lazy day of folding laundry and doing chores.

While I was doing chores the phone rang and Rich didn't pick it up as he didn't recognize the number. But he called me in...actually he went outside onto the porch and flagged me down!

The call was from the Guardian and his mother was being taken to the local ER, could I call the Guardian back? I was watching the water tank fill so I texted the Guardian.

MIL was suspected to have pneumonia could I notify my SIL? I texted sure and made the call. SIL calls back as I am getting my coat on.
"What's up? What's going on? How is she?..." you know the endless questions that one wants to ask.
I remind her that she is calling on the landline, so I am still at the house and not at the hospital. I suppose I should be used to her knee jerk reactions by now. So I tell her I will text her after I see her mother.

I do get to the hospital as the nurses are setting up IV antibiotics. Mom sounds tough and she rattles and has labored breathing. They have her on 02 but she is in good spirits and seems to be well aware of what is going on.
The nurses are vague as far as any diagnosis but do say that they are treating for suspected pneumonia. Blood tests reveal that there is an infection.
I help MIL eat a sandwhich and she loves the fresh fruit plate, dislikes the coffee, and dislikes the soda and states to the nurses that she will NOT drink water.
One of her IV's is for re-hydration of course.

I stay until she is settled and falls asleep.

I did inform SIL via text and she starts asking: Is this related to her legs?

I scratch my head. MIL is near stage IV kidney failure so has badly swollen legs but I'm not sure what the connection is except that MIL is not very healthy and has several medical issues going on all of the time. That is why she is a resident in the nursing home.

I text back: I don't know.
She texts back: I KNOW

I don't answer as I am perplexed as to how she knows everything. Besides, SIL rarely makes much sense.


At 6am this morning I start getting texts from SIL in Utah.
"How is the patient?"
She means well, but sometimes I think SIL has an alternate reality where I am her personal assistant from afar.
I text back: "It is 6am and I have to plow and do chores, take care of your brother...I am not at the hospital."
Her reply: "So when are you going to be there?"

I think about the things I'd like to say. But am pleasant in my reply:
"When I get there."
I wanted to say....If you are concerned, you can get there first.
Snarky as she moved to Utah and we are in Wisconsin.

But not Snarky because she told me that she did not want to care for her mother or visit her.

So there.
So please don't expect me to be extra kind to relatives that pretend to care so much but really don't.

That's the way things go...

The Talk

Him: You don't want a pup during this weather you need to wait until spring.
Me: Spring is here. Look at the mud and the weather.
Him: Um. Yeah. Okay. I miss him too.

Me: Too soon?
Him: Big Shrug

I show him some dogs that are up for adoption. He smiles. He knows I can't do without a canine underfoot.

For those who want to tell me that Dixie should come in. Let us recall the size of my cottage and the size of Dixie. Dixie has been an outside dog since she was 4 months old. Let it be my decision.
I've had outside dogs for 20+ years. I've never been without an inside dog. My dog life began the summer we brought home a puppy. I could be wrong, but I think it was about 1967? We added a second dog soon after that.
I think the math puts me as a long time dog owner for what? 51 years?

Maybe I should wait. Maybe I shouldn't. I still listen for that pitter patter on the floor.
I still ache to put my hand down and find a cold wet nose.

I still ache to cuss out Morris for getting me up at 4am to go potty and then insist on eating his breakfast. It was irritating, but it was comforting too.

Me: How about this one?
Him: What is it?
Me: A mixed up dog. Young. 10 weeks?
Him: Well.
Me: Look at that ...
Him: Hmmm, looks like this litter had more than one daddy. [they can you know]

A bit later.
Me: Hey, look at this.
Him: What on earth?
Me: Daschund, beagle, and lab or something?
Him: Odd.
Me: Housebroke.
Him: Ugly, kind of.
Me: Yep. That is cool.

I do some research, this 'ugly' dog is being fostered somewhere near by. I fill out the on line application so I can be background checked. The only thing they don't ask of me is to give over my first born son.
I inquire if I can visit the dog. I'd like to meet him. Perhaps it is not a good fit. But at least I would be satisfying curiosity.

I find another two dogs. Housebroke, spade, neutered, up to date on all the...yadda yadda...
Medium sized. Hmmm. Smaller than Dixie. Energetic like Dixie. I put a note to self to email the place to see if I can drive up there. 

We go to bed and lay there talking. His mother and her situation is on our minds. Geographically I am the closest person to help her. Rich can't. But at the same time, I have him to take care of.
This winter has been extremely hard on his well being. He is becoming a bit frail. The COPD, throat cancer, and stroke are not kind to him.
He doesn't want me trying to be his caregiver and his mom's caregiver. Not out of selfishness but out of kindness. He knows how hard it is for me when he has 'episodes'.

He also understands the importance of me being able to hike and exercise for my mental and physical health.
I need to take care of the farm too. The animals need tending.

Which reminds me....looks like a good week for fence mending, fixing, and brush piling.

I may take that drive to look and see.
I may look at the 'ugly' dog.

And I may decide to wait.
Only my heart can decide.