What to live for

Yesterday was a busy day. We'd gone to the VA for appointments on Tuesday and it felt like we spent the whole day going from one place to another.
Actually we got in early and were seen early which is not the usual way things happen.

We have the Kenosha Gang coming this weekend. They aren't actually from Kenosha but I met them while living in that county.
So I was anxious to get the yard work started and at least do some picking up and preparing for their visit.
Rich's meds in the morning make him light headed and dizzy. Two inhalers plus a nebulizer treatment in the morning seems to make him wobbly. He feels constantly stuffed up and we asked the ENT folks Tuesday to check that out. They are following up on the Throat Cancer, fingers crossed...all looks good.

It seems one of the meds for prostrate enlargement is making his sinuses a bit swollen. It is a side effect. IF anyone can have an unusual side effect from medication, it will be my husband.

I looked up his meds and yes, they keep him going but sometimes I wonder if the meds are doing as much harm combined as they could be doing good? I think a major review of the medications are in order. So many of his meds have dizziness as a side effect.

The good news from the CT scan with contrast is that the aneurysm in his brain has not shown any change, nor are there any signs of new strokes.
The bad.
He feels lousy, he has no ambition or energy, he feels dizzy and out of breath often, he has tremors, and emotionally flat most of the time.
The grumpy Gus I used to be married to no longer oversees my fencing or corrects the way I do projects. He shrugs and watches Netflix or takes a nap.

Yesterday morning he sat with his coffee after eating breakfast and said, "I'm just slowly dying, fading away. I wish I could feel like doing something or just trying to do something."
I said nothing. What could I say? He was right. My husband was fading before my eyes.
The man who used to be the Take Charge Man, no longer shows interest in most things.

Hopefully our meeting next week with Neuro-Psychology will prove helpful. In a way Rich felt as if it would have been kinder if the doctors had not been able to remove the two clots in his brain and had just let him go.

So he went to bed for his morning nap and I told him that I was going to go outside and work. That is what I do when I am frustrated and feel helpless.

I started up the weed eater and attacked the long grasses next to the shed. Then I went after other messy places, those places that are so hard to mow.
After my hands began to hurt, I put the ''eater' down and started to trim with the little mower. I took breaks often, but got all the trimming done around the house.

After lunch Rich came out and mowed a portion of the yard and then went to lay down again. He said he'd finish the rest of the yard after a rest.

I proceeded to work on the new/old chair after I watered and rotated the Dexter cattle to a different section of the woods. I sat on the porch and took out my paints. I'd worked out my frustrations and now it was time to let my creative juices flow.

Remember that ugly chair?

Well I have been working on it a bit at a time.

I usually don't plan things out and just let it happen. I wanted bright cheery colors so I used brilliant yellow spray paint on the legs and added some aqua. I used silver on the back of the chair. I don't know why but just did.

I had some old white paint that needed to be used up so I painted the seat white. Boring old white.
While I was at it, I spruced up the wooden spool that we use as a porch table.

I finally got around to doing the edges....not shown here.

The plain white boring seat bothered me, so I did some touching up here and there and then started to experiment with some masking tape.

That was fun, so I began mixing the aqua, blue, green, and seafoam colors in a cap and creating my own colors and made more stripes.

Okay. Nice looking but not FUN!

The stripes aren't perfect, and the paints aren't perfect, but it had its charm. However it needed something else.

Now I am completely charmed by this old chair. If it lasts a season or two on the porch I will be happy. My butterfly happy colored chair.
It fits in so nicely with my spool table and funky table top...

Ready for company!

Charlie was exhausted.

All that supervising wore him out.

The day was still 'young' after supper was cleaned up.
Remember I said I had the Kenosha Gang visiting this weekend? They want to go riding. So I am saving some time and saddling each mule we will take with the saddle that will be used on them with each rider. Amanda will ride Sunsine in my Western saddle that I modified. So last night I saddled Sunshine and took her for a rather boring but peaceful ride on the gravel roads and hay fields.

Sunshine is out of my original horse, Cheyanne. She is half sister to my all time favorite mule Badger who is no longer with us.

And...
then...
my day
was complete...

Well in this life you must find something to live for
Cause when darkness comes a callin'
You'll go back to where you were before
Cause this life is as
Fragile as a dream, and
Nothing's ever really
As it seems...
~~Lily Kershaw
"As it seems"

Be Still...What ifs!

It is 4 AM and I awaken. The house is Still. I am the only one awake and it is still dark outside.

Charlie wakes up when I walk into the kitchen. As is his routine I let him out of his crate and we walk out onto the porch. He stands quietly and looks around in the pre dawn dark. There is a hint of light to the woods in the northwest sky.
He does his business and we walk back into the house where I warm up some coffee from yesterday's leftovers while I feed Charlie. It is early for him but he doesn't mind and he quietly munches away.

My morning musings are not light and airy. I awakened with all sorts of jobs to do on my mind. The yard that needs mowing, the garden that needs tilling, dog food for Dixie, checking the forest fence, and the CT scan that was ordered for Rich tomorrow. Company for the weekend. Shipping the extra head of cattle, ... getting the diesel truck in for service. MIL...

I generally awaken in the middle of the night with the 'What ifs'. What if this happens, what will I do? What if ...
I hate the What ifs.

I flip open my laptop and sip coffee. No, I am not going to read the news, so I check the emails and turn my cell phone on to Airplane mode.
I click on a song I heard last night while watching an old episode on Criminal Minds. I play it and am stunned again by the song. I'd never heard of the group nor the song but for some reason it hits home.
Be Still by The Fray.

I listen to it again.
I finish my coffee and close the laptop.

Charlie looks up and in the semi dark I attach his cord and grab my camera case. We walk up the long hill. The sky is now giving us a private showing of pinks and purples breaking away the night into a new day.
I pick up Charlie and show him the sky. I want him to be as awestruck as I am.
Well, he isn't. He is more interested in deer poop. I let him down and he walks with me to the ridge.

And I stand still. I am still.

I walk a bit further down the road towards the south.

And then I just stand. I watch the fog and the colors change. The fog creeps up and the trees in the distance disappear.

The song is repeating in my head now, echoes of the words... Be Still, over and over...and the lyrics...
I sigh and watch the day break.

Charlie and I head home. I have to make fresh coffee.
Daybreak was amazing and I feel sorry for those people who never make the time to experience the special show that is put on for them each day.


Be Still ~ The Fray
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know

When the darkness comes upon you
And colors you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name

If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know

And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still

If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am

Be Still