Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Places to put bad things...


A few years ago while in therapy...yes sigh. Therapy. Therapy to deal with some awful things that had happened when I was a young woman and a young mother. ... I learned a technique for controlling those awful bad feelings that creep up on you.

So today I took a travel back into my mental 'castle'. See the top floor is wonderful, the memories of childbirth, holding my babies, all sweet and wonderful things are in this place.

The Dungeon is a cave-like structure. The little caves open into a big room. Each cave has bars across the entrance and you cannot see into them. I OWN the key because that is where I put the 'bad' men and keep them safely there. I feel powerful over them, and what happened in the past. They are forever in the Dungeon of my beautiful 'memory' Castle.

Today though my hopefully soon to be ex-boss asked me to bill all the unfiled claims he has sitting on his desk. Mind you these files have been sitting for months while he plays puzzles and nods off to sleep. Then he whines when the $ doesn't come in. Let me say I have been searching for a year for another job.
Now he wants me to commit FRAUD, break federal law, be unethical...commit insurance fraud...

'I'll just dab a diagnosis on these files and do them later...you bill all of them.'

I can't do that! I don't know what the procedure was, the plan of action was...I am not a doctor! I was so mad. I said, 'No, absolutely not!'

He said, 'You will.'

Well I emailed my instructor from my ethics class and she said no, I cannot legally code procedures without documentation. My professor from A&P who used to be a chiropractor said the same thing.

Of course as the day went on and the stack of quickly Dx'd files piled in front of me, I go angrier and angrier. Boiling...so that when I had my physical, my blood pressure read 142/86...normally 118/70.

When I got home I needed to relax....I hurt so bad -- and I know it was from the stress!
So I began to think about my castle and where this whole thing could go so I could relax and do my schoolwork and get out of pain.

I 'made' a hole, a black ugly hole that I can throw bad things into ... it is a mind hole, but I needed to envision it. And you know what? It worked! I created it and put ugly nasty stress into it. It is there at the bottom swirling around. I can reach in and deal with it as I want or need to.

It is located below the Dungeon by the way.

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