Cypto-hondriac

 That is not a real word but I thought it fun enough to use as a title. Hubby has some severe aphasia from his stroke so sometimes words come out backwards and sometimes they come out the opposite from what he intended.

He will say 'she' when referring to 'he', often when referring to someone or to a pet. This has been ongoing since 2018 so I am pretty used to it. Since we've been a pretty close couple for many years, I pretty much know exactly what he wants to say or what he is trying to communicate.

However, I often let him work it out for himself which is what he prefers. Once in a while he will give me a glance [during a doctor's visit for example]. That glance is HELP! I can complete his words for him then.

We were talking with the nurse on his 6 month follow up when he came to this word. The nurse was reviewing his long list of medications when he piped up that this list made him look like a 'Cypto-hondriac'. 

He meant Hypochondriac. Funny enough, the nurse never blinked as he struggled through the word and she smiled and said, "We know you are not a Hypochondriac!"

When the doctor came in she did her thing and then asked if there was anything else she could do for him today.

Hubby asked for a shop...he kept struggling for a second and then got it out: A body shop for me? A new body?

She smiled of course.

Hubby hinted that he thought he'd gained weight. She looked at her file and said that he had remained stable for the past year or so. 

Then I saw something that I rarely see doctors do. She reached over and patted his leg and told him.

"Rich, you will be 76 this soon and you've earned the right to eat exactly what you want to and what you like."

I thought that was very kind of her to say.

I will note that my husband is in Palliative Care. Palliative Care aims to treat a patient with a serious illness for the Quality of Life until their death ... with attention to the care partner also. This will usually also involve a social worker to assist with questions and issues.

It is not hospice which is quite different. 

I feel that it is a kinder and more gentle type of care for elderly patients with a serious illness.

Travelers

The book I ordered and started reading:

This book explores what it is like to be a Caregiver and what they face when caring for those with some form of dementia...or the new and improved terms: Cognitive Decline or Neurologically Impaired.
Like any Caregiver, we want to fix our charge. 

We develop behavior that in its own way is problematic. Then the Caregiver feels guilty and struggles with feelings of regret, joy, and frustration all at the same time.

My husband's stroke in 2017 was pretty significant. I won't go into the details, however, he did have to go through months of speech therapy to try and help his aphasia. I learned quickly to understand what he wanted to say when he said something quite opposite. Soon after, he was also diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment Frontotemporal Dementia.

It is easier to say his Brain is Hurt.

When I am frustrated with him, I correct his backwards speech or even repeat it back to him. The surprise on his face when he hears that reminds me that he KNEW he said She instead of He, or In instead of Out. When I am particularly feeling like a turd, I pretend just not to understand him.

Yes, I said feeling like a turd. 

So many moments we have are normal and he catches his 'mistakes'. So I sometimes think ---> he is doing it on purpose.

His stroke also changed his personality. Once he was quick to anger and he could be rather difficult when he was in a mood. He had rages when something went wrong and usually I'd just step back and let him calm down. He wasn't a bad husband at all, just quick with a temper. Most of the time it was directed at inanimate objects. 
I watched him try to beat up his truck one time when it wouldn't start.

After his stroke, this different person emerged. Slow to temper, quicker to smile, and almost unemotional. He stopped taking interest in most things around him. He was always the person that had to be in control of everything. Bam, that ended abruptly.

He even stopped driving. He had no interest in operating a vehicle. 

[He still gives me helpful backseat driving hints when we travel together.]

Sure we have since had some arguments and disagreements. Once I got really angry and pulled a card out of my mother's deck of dirty tricks.

I decided to give him the Silent Treatment, at least until he realized it and asked me 'What's wrong?'

True to his apathy for life and most all things, he never noticed the silent treatment. The only one that suffered was me. I was angry. He forgot what we had argued about.

Truly, I felt like a terrible Turd. My behavior was reprehensible. 

Now I use that behavior and forgetfulness wisely. If we argue about something and he gets upset, or I get upset, I wait. I let the issue drop. Within hours, all is forgotten and we go on about our way.

Well, indeed. 

Our journey will take us as Travelers to places we could not have imagined.

One of Those Few Days

Hubby had his second shot and he felt crappy for a few days so I had to make cookies. I knew he wasn't feeling up to par as he didn't snarf all the cookies down in one day.

He said we had a cookie thief and I said I'd get right on it.

Snow is forecast for Sunday night through Monday with up to 6 inches of wet heavy snow for our area with some hard winds. 
Winter keeps knocking at the door reminding as if to tell us ... it isn't over until ... what? The Fat Lady Sings? 

My week included appointments with the dentist [all good there...NO cavities!] The hygenist was a different one and she touched me deeply with her compassion. As I left the office she gently touched the small of my back and said, "See you! Take care!" That touch and comment meant so much more to me than it might have a year ago.

The eye doctor was Friday. I loved this young guy! What a hoot! I went to a new optometrist in town at the clinic. I am SO glad I did. I was told to go and buy my glasses on line...so much cheaper. The doc and tech were awesome. When I went to look at glasses I was even surprised more. 

I told the gal that I needed glasses that FIT my face. We ended up with child frames. Yeah, I am a little person. When she asked me what I thought, I asked her what SHE thought. How did they look? She pointed out that I'd have to be satisfied and I pointed out that she saw faces with glasses more than I did.

I said that the only time I would LOOK at the glasses was when I was in the bathroom. Otherwise the only important thing was to make sure I could see with them.

My old glasses were off for my distance vision. I could see better in the distance without the old glasses!

Enough of that.

Hubby has recovered from his vaccination. 

His mind or memory or perception of things this week has changed so much. I'd told him Monday that I ordered new hiking boots to replace the ones that were falling apart. He freaked out when UPS dropped them off and proceeded to yell at me for ordering unnecessary footwear.

He forgot about it overnight. 

Question or food for thought: Other issues? Or did the vaccine cause issues? Hmm.

Last night I said something about Daylight Savings Time and he told me I was wrong about spring forward. According to him I should move the clocks back so we get more daylight. Back.
Back.

Back.

I even showed him my cell phone clock this morning and he got irate. Everyone was wrong. Wrong. 

He has aphasia so sometimes the language is reversed. So I usually just ignore it and other times it causes real problems in our communications. He is She, Up is Down, and I think you get it.

I know that I will just adjust the clocks when he naps today on the stove and microwave and when he wakes up things will be just fine. Because I relented and just let the subject drop.

I keep forgetting my lessons regarding stroke and communications. And everything I learned while dealing with MIL and her dementia. 

Go with the flow.

I want a stuffed Llama so I can beat it up when I get frustrated. Drama Llama.

The memory and mind are interesting things. It sort of reminds me of a road that you've never taken ... you don't know where you will end up.

90 plus days later...

On May 6th Rich had a stroke. The professionals all said, "The first 3 months are the most important. You will see the biggest improvements during that time."

Speech is still an issue. Rich gets frustrated when he talks sometimes. Fatigue is his biggest enemy. Fatigue seems to short-circuit his ability to find words and express ideas.
Physically he is doing pretty good. We had a follow up with oncology last week and learned that his throat cancer had been a stage IV. When the doctor told us that I was rather surprised. I don't recall learning the stage. Perhaps it was mentioned but I guess we focused on treatment and not the diagnosis.
So far, 2 years after treatment and still no return of cancer which is another sigh of relief.

My plan for the summer was this. Keep Rich engaged. I saw how he reacted right after the stroke when people were around. I had to stay home now to help him.
My farm and home became something of a revolving door.

Grace and Evelyn for a week, Ariel for a week, Dennis and Ariel for a week. Visitors who came and stayed the weekend. Mule riding. Fishing.
But always time for speech therapy and rest too.

I posted this photo already once but feel it sums up so many things accomplished in 3 short months.

96 days ago he could speak only one word. He ate with his utensils upside down. He needed a nurse at his side to leave the bed.

We are still working with Speech Therapy to try to improve the effects of aphasia and are going to address the possibility of driving again with limitations.

I was asked if I missed my work place. Not really. I don't miss the hours at all. I don't miss getting up at 2am to work a 12 hour shift.
The garden has been productive. I have frozen, dried, and canned food for this winter. I have been able to dedicate some rather long days to 'putting up food' for the winter.

Rich helps with chores now. I let him take care of the cattle. We will be shipping several to auction before the winter and keeping a few prospects for 'processing' later.

Things are coming together. I am looking forward to the possibility of part time work as a teacher's aide at one of our local schools. We'll see how things keep progressing.

Winter is looming on the horizon and it will be a challenge to keep Rich engaged with activities through that time.

For now... things are peaceful. I still can't leave him on his own, but I don't mind being here for him either.
Through good and bad we keep chugging along.

Here is to the next 90 plus days...