Knees, Appts, Creativity.

So.

The knee has not resolved itself at all. I just figured I'd get out and 'walk it off'. I went to CrossFit a few times last week and even did the 22WOD. Eh. That may have been a mistake but I was careful. It felt great to do it with my good friend and partner. She is awesome and strong!

The swelling in the knee is gone. For the first time in my life I can really understand what it feels like to have knee pain. See, I didn't want to acknowledge the injury and just figured it would go away like the other time I smashed it against a boulder.
I'm mad at my knee. It should have gotten better. Really.
If I go outside and pull my pants down and yell at it, will it help?

Okay, bad image, right?

Today is going to be one of 'those' days. Calling the VA Community Care folks to see where the claim from 2018 still stands. The hospital just sent a nasty letter which is normal for them. They are a huge conglomerate and of course all phone calls are handled by a person who is 'not' in charge and 'doesn't' know anything.
These phone calls require at least 20 minutes on hold and many transfers.
I think I need an office assistant just for dealing with appointments and care.

Rich is doing mildly better so that bump is resolved for the moment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some fun with editing photos.
Since I am not out hiking at the moment...
I am studying some funky photo effects and editing.

Dispersion Effect:
I really want to nail this down as I think it would be fun. I think instead of 'chunks' of dispersion, I like the birds more. Using bat brushes would be fun too.

Double exposure ~ done in camera:
I need much more experimenting, but it is sort .. of neat!

Pencil sketching skulls:
This is part of my skull collection. I like it, but dislike the white edges that Painter does.

Pencil sketching mixed with the original photo:
I really like this one a...lot. 

Well, off to work. The mules want to eat!

Storms inside and Out

Last week was a blur. Did we really have nearly 65 degree weather and then have a snow/ice/rain storm come in that lasted from Wednesday to Friday?

Ice bombs smacked the house with high winds in the middle of the night and Charlie and I were positive that we'd have trees or something awful falling in on top of us at any moment.
In the morning when we went outside the winds were ferocious and we still had to 'dodge' the falling chunks of ice.

I knew that after the storm settled down, I'd have a lot of work to do checking the fencing and perhaps pulling large chunks of trees off the electric fence.

The weather service had said we'd get a tenth of an inch of ice. Hmmm.

Well, no wonder we were suffering ice bombs from the trees! I reattached the fence and cleared ice off the lines after the snow/rain stopped. 

I knew the snow and ice wouldn't stick around very long and I was right. By this morning it was gone.

I spent Monday cleaning up most of the debris that was left over in the yard. 

Depression is like a storm too. It is internal and can't be seen. It can swallow a person whole and those around them in a vortex of darkness....

Yesterday we had to go see Rich's old Psychiatrist. Okay, the guy isn't old. It was a doctor he saw for a long time. Dr. S. left the VA and went to New Zealand for a while and returned.

At the last appointment with Dr. Todd, ... Dr. Todd asked Rich if he'd like to see Dr. S again. We jumped at the chance.

Dr. S 'gets' Rich and they have a good relationship. Dr. Todd is fine, but he doesn't seem to 'understand' Rich that well and how could he from just reading his file and knowing him for only a year.

Let me say that the appointment yesterday gave me a bit of hope to help Rich get out of this horrible slump of depression. 

I like to believe in... hope.

Rich is in that horrid hell hole of a black hole where there is no bottom and no top. No light, no hope.

They are doing another consult to see if another Ketamine infusion will help and this doctor feels that he should have them on a more regular basis and not just a once off.

Dr. S put it succinctly. 

"Your body has betrayed you, your mind is not letting you focus on thoughts and you are in there fighting each moment of every day trying to find something. Trapped inside with no light at all. It must be pure Hell."

And this afternoon? 

More storms of the rain/thunder/lightening kind.

Rain is not always awful.

The rain came down in buckets yesterday. As I drove home from CrossFit I noticed that the ditches were filling and running high.

Rich was awake and up when I came in the door. I'd stopped and had gotten some of his favorite food in town. Some Fried Chicken from Kwik Trip along with some tators. I set the food down in front of him and told him to dig in while I unloaded the groceries.

He didn't move a muscle. He sat and stared out the window with gloom and doom in his eyes.

I chatted about class and shopping while I unloaded things and set them on the kitchen floor. He didn't turn around or respond. 
Well, this is the new normal. He is angry, he hurts, and he feels poorly and everything around him should feel the same. Depression has come back with a big bang. I can't blame him at all. He feels that he is not really living, but just existing and in his words 'not worth a damn'. 

I'd really worked out hard at CrossFit and I still felt the afterglow of a good job well done. So I didn't let his foul mood get me down.

We sat down and ate together and I was ravenous. I ate with gusto and I saw something change in Rich's eyes. He finally smiled and asked where I got such and appetite. I replied it was from working out. He actually laughed and then said, "You should have done this years ago!" 

See. I live for those moments. They are good moments. A smile and a twinkle in the eyes even momentarily.
Rich went to lay down for his afternoon nap.

I went out into the gloom and rain. Why not?

I told Rich that I was going out to check the water. 
Hmmm...
and I did...
I went to the desk. The Study Hall. 
The creek was rising swiftly so I moved the Creek Bears to safety and then wiped off the seat of the desk and watched and listened to the water flow down over the rocks.

The dry run just opposite the desk started to flow with runoff from the ridges and cropland above our land.

I watched the water work its way around the boulders and tumble into the creek. I thought...If I only had more time, I'd go downstream and watch the water rise.

But I didn't, so I walked upstream instead.

The rain was more of a heavy mist at this point. I headed towards the neighbor's land where the creek actually started at the spring.

As I walked I noted the foam in the water. It leaves beautiful white streaks in the muddy run off. Ugly but beautiful. 

The stark temperature difference between the snow and ice in the valley and the air above made for some exotic looking fog.

I watched the fog undulate and move, it felt alive and mysterious.
Such is nature.

So many people look outside at the rain the melting snow...and the fog and think...ICK! I look at it and think 'Wow!' 
I guess I've been odd that way.

I found the spring but it was under water from the run off.

Still, it was pretty cool. 

I turned and headed to the dry run that runs parallel to our fence-line.

I could stand on about 6 inches of ice and watch the water flow over the ice.

The day was not awful, it was amazing. 
I returned home renewed and content, a trip to the creek does that for me.

Even in the rain.

Almost Done

It is that time of year again when the garden bursts forth with all the vegetables I'd planted.

The sweet corn is done. I picked the last of it and started to chop down the stalks to toss to the cattle or the mules. The mules make sort work of it and the cattle seem to be a bit pickier about it.

Since my freezer is now stuffed with beef from the 'old' bull, I thought I'd dehydrate beans, carrots, and corn. I have a device that hooks up to my vacuum sealer that allows me to seal the goodies in pint jars.

The jar on the upper right has a mix of carrots and corn in it. In the winter I pop a pint of mixed veggies open and drop it into broth in the crock pot. By the end of the day, the vegetables have re-hydrated and taste wonderful.

The old bull. I think we made a mistake there. His meat is very lean which is good, but then it is more difficult to cook with flavor. I should have just shipped him to market and bought some farm raised beef.
Well, we will see how the roasts do in the crock pot. I had a TBone steak that was slightly okay. I need to see if there is anything I can do to make it more tender.
It is like eating lean venison.

Well hey, I'll deal with it!

The small garden really got ignored this year. Usually I pride myself with being able to demolish weeds with my handy hoe. I guess all the drives for appointments and picking up all the other farm jobs for me, put the garden on the back burner.

So. Rich has been home for about a week. He caught a nasty head cold and ... well, his mood is better. However last night was the first time I got him outside of the house.

His new routine of late has been to sit in front of the laptop and browse endlessly through programs. If he finds something, he sits and watches and doesn't seem to hear or see anything else going on around him.

He went to turn on the laptop to watch Netflix. I had unplugged everything and pulled the old laptop off the desk to work on it.

He looked confused and asked me to take care of it. I said "No, not until we are done with chores and supper."

I handed him his chore boots and he sat a long time on the porch bench before he put them on.
I waited.
He followed me to the shed reluctantly and I grabbed the little garden cart to carry hay to the last bull that we were shipping soon. I pointed over to the hay stack and told him the donkeys needed feeding.
He looked lost.
He stared at me.
I pointed again and he grimaced.
I walked away with the cart.

He did feed the donkeys and when I got back he was standing there quietly staring down at Little Richard's tie out rope that I'd asked him to help me fix. It seemed as though it was too much for him to think about and he murmured that he was heading to the porch.

I checked the donkeys. They were fed, but not watered.
So the infusion treatments had worked for the depression I am happy to say, but the other issues are there and well, frankly, ... I guess I am prepared for that. The old Rich would have noticed the near empty tubs of water.
This new Rich didn't. Or it didn't matter to him.

So last night while Netflix played in the other room, I made and canned beet pickles.

The man I used to know is still fading away bit by bit. It is odd to see him so disconnected with anything outside the house.
He says he has more energy and motivation.

In his head he does. But the doctors had told me, they could perhaps help the severe depression [they did] but not the damage from the strokes.

So the garden work is done except for collecting seeds.
The rest of the cattle will be shipped next week.

The donkeys will leave by the end of September.
It could be an interesting Winter.

Summer is almost done.

Ariel is coming to stay and spend some time on the farm this coming Monday. It will be nice and we are both looking forward to it.