Just another ordinary week.

When one day feels like a whole week....

Sometimes I can get out for a walk and to beat the heat, the last few walks I've done have been at sunset. I set hubby up with a TV show and go for long walk on the ridge. The woods are thick with brush and skeeters at this time of night.

Usually there is a breeze on the ridge and if I am lucky, the skies are beautiful also.

The shot below is looking back at our house as I head up the driveway.

This one is taken at our mailbox on the ridge looking east.

I turn around here and head back home, I know how long I can be out and about and time the walk with the end of the show.

After putting him to bed, I headed back out on to the porch to see the moon come over the trees. It was nice to look at.

I couldn't resist trying to take another shot[s] of the fireflies. I guess they have been my obsession this year since I've been watching them since late May.

They were quite active. I imagine the heat and humidity keeps them going. [The moon was not that large, I put it there to hide the smear of light from the long exposure.]

I spent the morning working on the wreck of one of my favorite little pastures.

I am lucky that my mules obey one single hot wire and don't bother it. There is a fence in that mess, it is a 4 strand barbed wire fence that had a single hot wire running on the inside of it. The mules have lived with this boundary for 20 years and have no desire to push through it. They have plenty of feed on this side of the fence.

I put a single hot wire over the trees and inside the pasture away from the mess.

I went back to check on the forest and saw this.

I need a chainsaw gang to cut through this mess or just let the animals find a way around it. I'm going to shorten the availability of the forest and lessen my fencing work.

There are 3 more trees down across the fence above the creek. I'm going to pull the hot wire and this fall pull the posts. The gals don't need to go all the way down there any more.

I've made an executive decision to have the southern pasture [field] mowed. I'll hire the guy that did my trees last year. I have some work for him to do so this place doesn't look like a disaster area.

I did take a break and worked on my Echo weed eater.

I thought I had it fixed and ... I didn't. I may need a 'new' head for it. However, I did get the trimming done with only one line attached. When I ran into the tough stuff, the machete worked out well.

It seems that I get the yard mowed, we have inches of rain, humidity, ... I catch up a bit on the garden and the trimming ... and 

back to mowing. I have an inner sense of time. I do some work, run to the house and check on hubby, go back out, work...come inside, meds...lunch... and then chill out time for a bit in the heat of the day.

I DO find some time to chill out.

In fact I decided to take a hint from Aurora ... I decided to make a raft for my Legos. It was a way that my husband could be amused and I could spend some quiet time indoors.

Hot glue, strands of twine, moss to cover the mess.... and...

It looks like a pretty neat little raft...

It won't float for real..., but this guy can use it in his escape from dinosaurs...

at least when I get around to setting that up....

Here is this little piece of serenity. Bachelor Bucks in Velvet having their night out.

Today is Tuesday and I have a major car repair that can't wait. Wednesday sounds like a fishing day with Steve. Yesterday we saw the Social Worker and his nurse. I'll be firing our Respite Gal after today. I cannot cannot trust someone who is not responsible enough to get to her job on time with my husband's care. 

He doesn't trust her any more either so it is no longer a good fit.

The pressure is on and I am working details out on how to continue care here at home and do the things I need to do.

Last night I went to the hill north of the house to watch the sky and the field. The moon rose behind me and I enjoyed the show. 

I LOVE fireflies, this summer they have given me hope and courage with their bright lights and flickers.

PS-- Hubby needed my help while I was up there and he opened up the bedroom window and rang the cowbell.

😉😊😁😀...and that my dear friends worked so well!

Happy Morning...

First...

there was

the morning trip to the mailbox heavy fog that lit up the forest.
It looked bejeweled...

I came around with my packages and mail to the back door and got to see 

the first of the many sunflowers 

bursting forth with happiness and hope.

And then on my news feed an interview with Kamala Harris and some kids came up from 4 years ago.

I watched it and played it for hubby. 

Maybe it is my hope for our children, grandchildren, and our great grandchildren that struck me soooo much.

Kamala said this:

If you are interested in the interview here is the link:

I did want to be a teacher when I grew up because I believed in children. I still do. I believe in children and a good education.

This video set my tone for the day and I spent the rest of it happy and content.

I want kindness and hope for our nation not hate speech and negativity.

I feel hope...

We won't go back...

Interesting

Well that was very interesting regarding the 'Retreat' Motivational Thing. I will give it credit as the ladies who are working on it are really working hard. And their program that is offered will resonate with a certain clientele. 

Speaking of Retreats and other events, our area has had quite the uptick of folks moving in from California, Chicago, and other areas. Viroqua became a magnet for a change of culture and people. Good article here:

How Hippies Saved Viroqua

On main street you can find the most interesting store fronts from herbalist to palm reading, art, eclectic antiques, Gelato, and more.

There are always interesting 'offers' that make you scratch your head and go...hmmmm...

There is a farm that lets you pay a fee and join other women to hang out in Hammocks in their forest and um...well...for a fee of something like $60, you can do Nature Journaling. You can find your connections to the natural world and learn that women are um 'magical'.

Here is another one: Dear Friends, you can now apply for an apprenticeship. The magical plant herbalism apprenticeship is now open for enrollment for a fee of $1600. She offers her best selling book also and claims that she is an award winning author. 

I did search out her name and looked for her awards and didn't find them.

Can you say, Snake Oil Salesperson?

Maybe I can offer something too! 

For a small hourly fee, I can take guide you through my magical mystical wild woods with my Goat Sven as a loving and endearing companion. 

Actually, I can only offer what I have learned in life. But it isn't for sale, it is free. 

I try not to give advice because I never spend time in another person's shoes. 

"The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for

...and the most you can do is live inside that hope."

Quote from Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams.

I am pretty pleased with how things turned out. Until I moved here and joined hubby, I was really afloat in that big outside world.

I find my days mostly pleasing.

Where else can you go and sit in the middle of a road and enjoy a sunrise??

So much, so little.

I am happy that Olive and her hubby asked us to come to their place for supper. Olive asked if we could do it Monday or Wednesday. I picked Wednesday.
This way there was more time to get hubby scrubbed up and presentable. 

For him, a shower is like running a marathon at high altitude. The effort leaves him exhausted and feeling breathless even while using his 02. He has the mobility to get in the tub and sit in the shower seat and get out.

But the rest of it has pretty much gone beyond his abilities. We've worked out a pretty good system in which I do most of the work. 

Face it as we get older, or our parents get older, this may be something we have to face. I can recall trying to get my MIL to take a shower or help her wash up and how she resisted. Think of a Donkey with their feet firmly planted and no matter what you do and how you ask, you cannot get that Donkey to step forward. You as the caregiver may as well be speaking a foreign language or gibberish. 

Not a thing in the world could convince my MIL that she needed to wash up. Eventually we solved that issue with a person from Helping Hands [a service for in home assistance]. For whatever the reason, it seemed that 'an official' -- not a family member, had more sway in these matters.

Now in the case of hubby, he puts it off and puts it off. He resists firmly in all ways that he can avoid the shower. 

Too tired.
Need a nap.
Too late in the day.
Too early in the day.
Tomorrow.
I don't like the clothes you picked out.
Too cold.
I just had one. [didn't...but that is a common one]

Last summer he had PT 3 times a week. He was motivated to clean up for the therapists and shower each week with my help so the girls saw a clean hubby.

One time I stripped the bed of everything and said there would be no sheets or bedding until he wanted a shower.
Don't laugh.
He went to bed in a flannel shirt, his jeans, but took off his shoes. He didn't care. That's what MDD does to a person and he also has damage from his stroke to his brain which also shows up as apathy.

His severe depression raises its hideous head each winter. I'm hopeful that the longer days and sunlight will help. This is the part of the year where he sits and stares at the floor or out the window at nothing.

This is what it feels like to observe him:

Where is he? What is he thinking? Where it the guy I used to know?

While visiting my mother in the nursing home for the last two years of her life, I noticed this was a a theme in so many of the rooms I passed. They didn't look like the above image, but the feeling of walking by people who sat staring off into space was uncomfortable. 
We as humans don't really know how to treat others that are in that space.

Is this what loss, despair, and depression look like? Not always, but it is tough to see.

Those who work in Nursing Homes and Assisted Living have to be angels and carry so much compassion.

And it raises the question regarding quality of life. 

If you cannot raise Hope then it feels as if all is lost.

I know that I have to keep my hope and positive disposition alive or I will easily fall into that place of darkness.
That may be a simple explanation as to why I take walks in pouring rain just to see water run over sticks in a ditch.
It gives me a sense of wonder and that gives me daily hope.

Our visit with Olive, her husband, and son went wonderfully.  I cannot recall the last time my husband went somewhere for a visit.

Three cheers for good neighbors!

Christmas Eve

Here are my ladies. On the 23rd with temperatures in the 40's which by nightfall dropped into the teens and by morning it was 6 degrees.

The gal in front is Sunshine. I delivered her from my mare ... who was my very first horse. She has been a rock for me over the years. Faithful, wonderful, and dependable.
Her half sister is the other red head in back. Yep, they are all fuzzy with magnificent winter coats. The bay mule is my other sweety. Siera.

Anyway they went into the woods last night and dropped down to shelter out of the high winds.

I went out to do chores as day broke into the valley. The elder mules behind me and all of the others had nice snow blankets on. I am constantly amazed at how well insulated these creatures are compared to myself. 

Points to photo above...

Around noon Charlie and I headed towards the ridge to grab the mail and check for the mail by meds that were supposed to be delivered. Ahhh, no go. However I did check the tracking and they could be delivered on Monday.

I put on the polarized goggles for that walk. It is a fairly long one and the sun shining off the new snow was awfully bright. Charlie thought the walk was too short.

We no sooner got back to the porch when a red truck pulled down in. I recognized her as the special delivery UPS gal. Charlie squealed and cried and rolled in the snow at her feet when she jumped out of her truck. 

'Ch..hhhar....lie! You sweety ...MERRY Christmas!' she chimed in. She was dressed in a face mask heavy coveralls and gloves. I got Rich's special order meds and wished her a Merry Christmas too.

For whatever the reason she made my day.

I love snow. I love cold. I love the challenges they bring. 

Tonight I will sit up by the Christmas Chair and re-arrange things and listen to some music. Perhaps sip a glass of wine. I'll wait until a few moments before Midnight and then bundle up to go talk with the mules under the stars.

Because you know...the animals do talk for a few moments at the stroke of Midnight. And I'd love to know what they have to say.

And believe me.

They will have a LOT to tell me.

Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Hope Glimmers

Sometimes things look slightly better with a glimmer of hope.

You know dreary days can be SO darned dreary! We've had endless bouts of gloomy and rainy cold days mixed with wonderful warm days. Those days involve me trying to mow the areas I can without floating the lawn mower.

So that leaves out the hills as the ground under the grass is so saturated I'd leave brown tracks. Hmmm. I may have to wait on the lane for the land to dry out. By that time the grass should be at least knee high.
But wait!

I know Sven can't keep up with it, and Lil' Richard is doing his best around the old tractor and vehicles...
So I may wait until the lane is nice and dry and let the mules in to clean it up all at once. Then I just need to spread the manure they leave behind.

Problem solved!
I may have to do that to the hill in front of the shed too. That will be a bit more difficult to organize, but since I am so good at temporary fencing, I just may do it.

May is proving to be interesting. I've really had good luck on the warm afternoons hunting morel mushrooms. I will probably go out this afternoon with my electric fence roll and string one line and then since I will be at the creek...I will do a quick hunt before walking back up to the house.

I know where there were some very tiny morels on Saturday, so I'd like to go back and see if they grew.
So far I've had plenty to eat and I've dried a lot for soups and stews this winter.

Rich's depression has lifted quite a bit with the help of Dr. S.
Wow.
We saw Dr. S yesterday and he said the difference was night and day. The Gnarly Witty and sometimes bizarre husband of mine was bantering with his psych doctor.
Rich's Pulmonary Function Test was no surprise.
Severe COPD.
Now we didn't get the official numbers but as Jim the Pulmonary Therapist who evaluated him last week said, some Pulmonary Therapy and better Oxygen delivery would make him physically feel better.

Community Care from the VA just called to make arrangements locally for PT for Rich. We know that Rich will never get rid of his oxygen tether and that for traveling he will need a constant flow rather than the pulse flow he has now. At home he is on a constant flow.
The 02 metering may have to go up too, but...they want to see if PT helps first.

The biggest hurdle will be getting some strength back.

But never mind that. The thought of Pulmonary Therapy gave Rich a glimmer of hope and a small sparkle in his eye. I knew it.
I knew that without lifting some depression that nothing would make him see hope.
We all know the end game of life. But if there is a small chance of still enjoying moments...it is worth the trip.

Storms inside and Out

Last week was a blur. Did we really have nearly 65 degree weather and then have a snow/ice/rain storm come in that lasted from Wednesday to Friday?

Ice bombs smacked the house with high winds in the middle of the night and Charlie and I were positive that we'd have trees or something awful falling in on top of us at any moment.
In the morning when we went outside the winds were ferocious and we still had to 'dodge' the falling chunks of ice.

I knew that after the storm settled down, I'd have a lot of work to do checking the fencing and perhaps pulling large chunks of trees off the electric fence.

The weather service had said we'd get a tenth of an inch of ice. Hmmm.

Well, no wonder we were suffering ice bombs from the trees! I reattached the fence and cleared ice off the lines after the snow/rain stopped. 

I knew the snow and ice wouldn't stick around very long and I was right. By this morning it was gone.

I spent Monday cleaning up most of the debris that was left over in the yard. 

Depression is like a storm too. It is internal and can't be seen. It can swallow a person whole and those around them in a vortex of darkness....

Yesterday we had to go see Rich's old Psychiatrist. Okay, the guy isn't old. It was a doctor he saw for a long time. Dr. S. left the VA and went to New Zealand for a while and returned.

At the last appointment with Dr. Todd, ... Dr. Todd asked Rich if he'd like to see Dr. S again. We jumped at the chance.

Dr. S 'gets' Rich and they have a good relationship. Dr. Todd is fine, but he doesn't seem to 'understand' Rich that well and how could he from just reading his file and knowing him for only a year.

Let me say that the appointment yesterday gave me a bit of hope to help Rich get out of this horrible slump of depression. 

I like to believe in... hope.

Rich is in that horrid hell hole of a black hole where there is no bottom and no top. No light, no hope.

They are doing another consult to see if another Ketamine infusion will help and this doctor feels that he should have them on a more regular basis and not just a once off.

Dr. S put it succinctly. 

"Your body has betrayed you, your mind is not letting you focus on thoughts and you are in there fighting each moment of every day trying to find something. Trapped inside with no light at all. It must be pure Hell."

And this afternoon? 

More storms of the rain/thunder/lightening kind.

So it is March

I think March is more dull than any other month. The snow melts leaving the area with piles of dirty half melted snow and mud. Mud.
If it freezes overnight then I can pull up to the house. If it doesn't, well I can back down the driveway and park at the bottom of the hill.

It is 'bucket' season. I keep a bucket of water at the porch with a brush to scrub my boots off before going onto the porch. It is just how the March Protocol works.

March holds promises of something better than dreary skies and faded grasses. It is also the time to rake the yard and think about connecting up the fences again. Winter is officially over.

Yet oaks that are not in the wind still cling to their leaves.

This March has been a bit of a strange one. Birthdays, deaths, memories, forgetfulness, aging, controversy, disruption, and some sort of hope. I have hope, I always try to have it on my shoulder and never further than my back pocket.

But that is what March brings.

Rabbit and Bear

For a while Rabbit and Bear had disappeared from my photography.

Rabbit and Bear have returned.

[It is how I help deal with what is happening to Rich.]

Depression is an ongoing thing. It takes the smile away from the person I have laughed with and shared jokes with. The prankster has gone away, I haven't seen him in such a long time. Smiles are rare.

My sweet love is encased in something intangible, untouchable. There is no way to reach through that barrier and pull him through.

So I sit with him in the morning while he has his coffee and watch him look out the window. I ask him what he sees and he blinks slowly and looks at me as if I just appeared from another dimension.

He answers: I am Nowhere.

As if Nowhere is a place.

His mind and body aches and hurts. He walks as though there is a crushing weight on him. 

This is how it is. 

I can't make him better. 

This is the story behind Rabbit and Bear.

Perseverance

I keep going back and it isn't because of the beauty of the creek.

It isn't always beautiful.

Just over a week ago it was rather dull looking and choked with weeds. Yet I still came.
I still sat by the trickle of water and just opened my mind.

I often go by myself with no dogs. No other people. I sometimes prefer it that way. The creek becomes something else when I invite others to explore it. I do enjoy it, but I enjoy keeping the creek secrets to myself also.

Sometimes I just stand there and do nothing.

I simply admire those familiar rocks and trees. These places that bring me great comfort and at times sadness too.

Yesterday was one of those days that the creek felt like a secret place.

The air was heavy, warm, and humid.
The creek was cold and refreshed from the latest 2" of rain.

A fog hovered above the creek.
It was dark and the trees were silent and still.

I had a gambit of emotions run through my head as I carefully picked my way along the rocks.

When I stand still and let the forest and creek surround me, I feel small and invisible, yet large and powerful, and meek and humble at the same time.

I simply stand and am amazed.

I reached the spot where the trail heads back home and glanced up to see the lonely Teddy Bear that I'd found after the flash flood.

He simply looked so lonely.

I posed him on a rock and took this shot in the heavy fog.

Suddenly my Creek walk took on another feeling.
The feeling of sadness and loss.
The Brown Teddy Bear looked and embodied so much loss and emotion in this single photo that I was stunned.

He had been swept away with another Teddy Bear in a huge flood and had been found.
He'd survived mud, rocks, rushing waters...

He was Hope
He was Love
He was Lost
He was Sadness
and
He was Perseverance...

Rabbit to Bear

Rabbit to Bear: "I see Hope down there. Shall we jump in and grab some?"


Bear: "Yes, please!"

Hope is a wonderful thing.

Vet Visit

I thought after the last post that I'd best update how Mr. Morris is doing. First, thank you for the concerned comments and yes it is hard to have aging pets. I've had dogs as pets since I was a kid. The fact that our pets age faster than us has always been tough for me.
I have loved each dog that I've had so fiercely and totally...

Anway I called the vet's office and got a message that he was closed until Tuesday. I decided I wouldn't wait another day for Morris to see someone. So I called another office. At first the secretary said that she couldn't fit Morris in, then she asked what was going on and then after I told her she said she'd call me right back.

I paced the living room after hanging up. Morris was on his blanket on the floor and stared painfully at nothing.
The phone rang again. Can you come right now?

I was out the door with Morris's crate, leash and Morris. Off we went.
I met Chip a beautiful young and mild mannered German Shepard when I entered the office. He nosed Morris and stood politely back giving us space.
Dr. Grimm examined Morris quietly and with very gentle hands.
Blood work was in order.
She whisked Morris off to the back room for blood work and to subQ him with some fluids.
The blood work told us a lot. Morris had an infection and he had an issue with his kidneys. Kidney failure. Well, kidney issues, kidney problems, and dehydration along with a high white cell count.
Morris was indeed pretty sick.

Dr. Grimm went through the test results with me and then we went through some things that might help. He received an antibiotic and a medication to help with nausea and stomach cramps. We talked about his diet and she recommended some special Kidney Diet dog food.

I've always poo pooed this sort of thing, but holding Morris in my arms and listening to this doctor quietly explain what we may be able to do to help Morris feel better, I decided that indeed if I had to buy special prescription dog food I would.

So Morris and I left with medications and a case of Kidney Diet dog food. Dr. Grimm was careful to point out that the prognosis could go either way with kidney disease. I was painfully aware that Morris may not get better. However we live with hope. Right?
Dr. Grimm expressed that many dogs don't 'tell' you what is wrong until it is a serious issue. She calmed my feelings of guilt a bit. However as I drove home with Morris silent in his crate [he who usually protests loudly about not being able to ride shotgun], I still felt bad.

Rich, the ever tough hearted fellow has been extra attentive to Morris. He helps Morris onto the couch and pets him gently and speaks softly to him.

Morris has always affected our lives in a positive manner. He has made us laugh, made us angry, made us frustrated...and in general has done his job as a pet.
Now we care for him.

This morning he is has more life in his eyes. He has taken his meds and had plenty of water. He has so far ignored the new delicious food I put in his bowl. But it is early yet.

We have to leave for a day of appointments for Rich at the VA. My wonderful neighbor will come down and take Morris out and check on him. Her 3 year old son loves to take him out to go potty. She said she'll visit a couple of times to check on him.
I am amazed by the outpouring of love both on the internet and from those around my small farming community for Morris.
Indeed, I am so lucky to have had this amazing little fellow in my life for so long.

His prognosis is guarded. He will more than likely show improvement. The Dr. did say that some dogs do well for quite a while and some go down hill very fast. We don't know where Mr. Morris falls in that scenario.
But we continue to hope for some more time with this funny little guy.

Adventures still await us.

Badger Update

This will probably be the very last update on Badger and his continued battle with COPD or Equine ROA.

Badger got into some toxic mold in the spring of 2009.  It nearly killed him within 24 hours.  Since then, we have tried medications and steroids.

Despite living outside and getting a dust free hay and environment ... well the best that we could provide, he did fairly okay.

The first year I could still ride him.  The second year, it was spotty.  This year.  I rode him one last time, in May.

True to himself, he walked slowly and we enjoyed watching the sun go down together as we often have over the years.

I didn't know then how he would fare in our unusual hot and humid [sometimes hot dry and dusty] weather.

We have found Badger's resting place, it will not be too far from the house.  This is a photo of him this morning out the window 'pre-dawn'.  I haven't taken many photos of him in the last year because his condition has continued to worsen and well, simply put.  He looks pretty tough.
I have finally come to terms with this.  I cannot let him suffer any longer.
He can barely eat because breathing is so difficult for him.
Yet I do not want to lose my friend of 17 years.
I am hoping that today we can send him over the rainbow bridge to the Merry Meadow where he'll join up with Cheyanne [my old mare], and Xena [Badger and my first terrier].
********
 
When I am gone release me, let me go,
I have so many things to see and do.
You musn't tie yourself to me with tears,
Be happy that we had so many years.

I gave you love and you can only guess
How much you gave me of happiness
I thank you for the love you have shown,
But now it's time I travelled on alone.

So grieve a while for me, if grieve you must
Then let your grief be comforted by trust,
It's only for a while that we must part
So bless the memories within your heart.

I won't be far away, for life goes on,
Though you can't see or touch me, I'll be near,
And if you listen with your heart you'll hear,
All my love around you soft and clear.

And then when you must come this way alone,
I'll be there to greet you with a smile and a
"Welcome Home"