Possible

Our greatest strength
lies in the
gentleness and tenderness
of our heart.
~Rumi

Some days I have to reach out and grab hold of that compassion that I know I do have. 

Today was interesting. There was a huge urgency to find a washer to put on the hose that attached to the hydrant. It leaked when he turned it on and suddenly the world would end if we didn't find one. 

I said that I would fix it [I did by walking over to the hydrant and unscrewing the hose and then screwing it back on.]

But it became vital that I find a tiny pack of rubber washers. 

Rich fought for the words to explain what he wanted. His stroke and some of his other brain issues make it very hard for him to communicate sometimes. 

It is difficult for him. Though I generally understand what he wants.

A frenzied search ensued to no avail.

I offered to pick up a new little pack while in town the next time. That would NOT do. Somewhere in one of the sheds was a tiny 'thing' with little red things in it that were for the hoses. 

Finally, he was out of breath and out of energy from his Big Hunt in the old shed. 

I fixed the hose by resetting it and then cleaned the deck of the mower.

Rich went in to lay down and put on his CPAP with 02. Whenever he is frustrated he lays down for a nap. If his 02 is low, he naps. This is just how it is.

He came out later to put the deck back together. I went to put the scraper away along with a couple of other tools.

When I returned Rich was looking at the mower and the deck with hands on his hips.

I asked how I could help and he quietly said, "I don't...well. It doesn't make sense to me to go back...up...and this..." He stopped as some confusion crossed his face. "I know...this.." 

I waited. He studied the mower as if seeing it for the first time in ages.

I asked about the blocks of wood he always used in this operation of sliding the mower deck back on and putting the belt back on. He shrugged. I lifted the deck [thank you CrossFit!] and asked him to slide the blocks in place. 

Finally, just about done, he said he needed to climb on board to pull the deck up with the handle.

He was way too wobbly for that so I did it. 

Then the rain started and I looked out at the yard. It needed mowing but I guess it would wait now.

Be tender, be kind. Make each day possible.

Abulia

That is not a word you will hear often. In fact, until today, I've never even heard of that word.

I found it while looking through some articles on Stroke and Apathy. I was looking things up and I do not really believe in 'looking' or Googling symptoms for information, I do know that reading scholarly articles or NIH articles are helpful.
Sometimes while I am waiting for Rich to get up if I am not at CrossFit, I will do some 'heavy' reading on Strokes, COPD, Mental Health, and other issues that seem front and center in our lives.

While looking up Apathy in Stroke survivors, I stumbled on another word. Abulia.
Now we have been seeing Rich's psychiatric doctor nearly every two weeks. Dr S. really was amazing in helping Rich get out of his last horrible MDD, Major Depression.
However, I think depression is not the only thing affecting him at all. Last year he had an extensive Neurological exam done with two Neurologist and Behavior Specialists.

Here is where Neurology meets Psychology. They actually blend in this case as Rich suffers MDD [Major Depressive Disorder] which was helped earlier this year and we had a much better summer thanks to Dr. S. But blend in all the medial issues along with the Brain Damage and the ongoing progression of Brain Damage and what do we have? Apathy? MDD? PTSD? Brain Slippage?

We still can discuss certain subjects that are near and dear to him. But the year of endless TV watching has now stopped. And I mean stopped cold. In its place is a man who sits at the kitchen table and stares out the window or stares at the kitchen table for very long periods of time without speaking or moving.

I do engage him in as much conversation as possible. I tell him about my workouts, the people I see at CrossFit, and sometimes read him news stories. He listens and responds but mostly he is silent.
Am I not pulling him outside and forcing him [rather unwillingly] to functions? He said his Pulmonary Therapy was okay. But now he can't do it. Can't.

Some days I feel like someone dumped me in a deep pool of water and the harder I swim to get out of the pool ... the further away those pool edges move.
Yesterday I went out after CrossFit to a coffee shop with a pal from CrossFit. We sat and just chatted. She chatted a lot. Her parents are elderly and I think she had a few things that she needed to get off her chest. I have learned to sit and be quiet and not turn around and complain about my issues when someone needs to unload.

I found our hour sitting there watching people walk by on the street and sipping coffee to be extremely relaxing. I dreaded going home to the silent man who would either be in bed or sitting and staring off into nothing.

I feel if I could just push him somehow, I could make him better. But in reality, I can't.

So what is going on? Med changes don't work. Ever since his stroke, Rich reacts violently to most medications. His latest new med for depression was interesting and frightening. He had some rather nasty reactions.

Winter is his worst time of the year anyway. I hate the thought of going through months of MDD again. It is like living in a life sucking hole of blackness.

That is why I work out. That is why I hike. I need to preserve sense of self.

But what of him? What is Abulia?

Apathy, Disinterest, Passivity, Lack of Opinion, Asocial, Extremely quiet or mute, Emotionally remote, Indecisive, ...the list goes on.
Depression meds do not work with Abulia.

It is a neurological/brain issue. I don't know, but I am grasping at straws because, if YOU can name something maybe you can work with it?

Anyway, I messaged Dr. S to ask him about this. Maybe just treating these issues as depression issues isn't the answer. Maybe we are all barking up the wrong tree.
Maybe
just
maybe
there is no good answer because who the heck knows what really is going on in a brain that has damage?

Will I get used to this changing person who sits mutely at the table?
Can I adjust to him sleeping all day and awake most of the night? He sits in the dark and ... well I have no idea what is going on.

We meet with a Neurosurgeon on Thursday to see what the latest MRI of his brain shows.

I'm tired today. But I have so much yet to do.

This should have gone under the blog The Long Road, but I'm putting it here, as this is part of my daily routine as a CareGiver.

Possibilities

Getting close to surgery!

Mondays are usually a disaster. Between phone calls from his doctor at the VA, other calls, and getting him ready for PT,...well...Mr. Procrastinator sometimes has issues with Mondays. It is like nudging a kid who doesn't want to go to school and says...
My tummy hurts
My head hurts
I don't wanna...
No, he doesn't say those exact words, but his actions are those of 'faces' and expressions when I set things up for showers or set out a change of clothes.
He'd rather not go, he tells me. I have learned that arguing is of no use. Sometimes I win, sometimes I loose.
His doctor from the VA called at 8am, which was scheduled. That set his whole day off from track. He doesn't like to get up before 9am.
Period.
He was grouchy and well, just his ol' Grumpy Self.
He talked with the doctor for about a minute and then handed me the phone.
His PCP who was not very cooperative in helping me figure out some things needed for surgery seemed all bright and cheery.
Whatever. She suddenly wanted to be helpful. This after I bypassed her for the cooperative Psychiatrist.

The extreme humidity we are having doesn't help much. Nor does the mornings of dense fog and over cast days.

The folks at Pulmonary Therapy are Angels and helped him through his rough Mondays. It seems that Mondays for whatever reason are really tough for him.
We discussed the ever present Monster of MDD or Major Depressive Disorder and he said he had no idea why he was the way he was and why things were so hard for him.
By afternoon, he is usually more cheerful and by evening, he is more like the guy I once knew.

Anyway....

On Saturday...
In order to break up Rich's monotony of TV binging, I offered to take him for a drive out to Runge Hollow where we have fished once in a while. He said NO at first and then agreed to it.
It was a nice drive.

I had a chance to park up above the earthen dam and bring out my camera. The day was rather dull looking and very grey so I thought I'd see what happened with my IR filters.

Even with barely any sun, I was able to get some great IR reflections off the grass.

And then the black and white 850nm filter...

It changes the perspective by making the green bright and the water dark. This shot would have been dreary in color.

And lastly, some X's in the water and trees from down by the lake itself.

This always reminds me of how my Grandmother used to claim that she left X's in the water at the good fishing spots.

Rich looked around and at the fishing dock then claimed he'd have to walk too far or...it didn't look like a good fishing spot. I cheerfully pointed out that I'd seen good sunfish reports from this man made lake and that the fishing dock would be a perfect place to sit after surgery and toss worms into the water.

Grumpy vs. Hopeful.
Sometimes I think that is my role in life.
He points out the misery, I point out the possibilities.

And life goes on.