Silence ~ But I can do better!

I live with a person who has several health issues and dementia. Some days are quiet and pretty darned boring. Those are really the better days. Then there are the days that something gets his ire up and well it can get rather tense.

The other day I was watering the large heated stock tank. The outdoor hydrant is above the house on a hillside. I use about 200 feet of construction strength black hose to run water to the stock tank which is plugged in on the porch of the house. I separate the hoses and drain them in the winter. Gravity is such a great helper. Once in the past 5 years I've had one hose ice up on me. 

I separate the hoses by the LP tank. You can see how the slope works in my favor.

The tank fills with very little work most of the time. The two mules that need special feeding requirements are kept separate from the younger mules. Fred the pony mule is 35. Mica is the grey mule. She is has heaves when it is dry and dusty and is a hard keeper. Mica is also blind in one eye. I still ride Mica and put kids on her even though she is our tallest mule. She has a very kind disposition and is very gentle.

So I finished watering, picked feet, and gave everyone except Fred a nice hug and some ear rubs. Fred is anti social and doesn't like being caught.

I wrapped things up and headed to the house. Rich had been watching from the porch door. When I got inside he proceeded to give me a very stern lecture on 'how to drain the hoses properly'. I had the angle wrong somehow and I left footprints and divots in the snow which made the hose freeze up.

He even showed me how to hold the hose properly along with how to walk. It went on and on and on. 

I internally rolled my eyes and then in a moment of stupidity blurted out. "I've been doing this for over 5 years and I've only frozen up the hose one other time during the other Polar Vortex a couple of years ago. It will be 40 today. The hoses will be just fine."

His retort was quick and sudden and a bit nasty. He turned and crossed his arms in a huff.

I realized instantly that I his time frames were confused. In his mind he'd just helped me with it not too long ago. 

He was also stressed out because the program he'd been binge watching had ended. And he was frustrated because somewhere in his mind that he was no longer out there doing simple things like draining the hose.

His punishment was the Silent Treatment. He tossed the remote and and sat on the couch. He stared at the wall arms crossed and breathing in big sighs. After about a half hour, he got up and went to take a nap.

I understand mental health issues a bit. I am a lay person who lives with it. I married a person with it. I don't have any regrets. But there are days when even I can't deal with it and I take my Angel Hat and toss it aside.

However, I grew up in a household where Mom was the Expert at Silent Treatment. She could've taught a Master's Class in Silence and exasperated looks.
I knew I shouldn't engage in it, but I did.

I plugged my earphones into my smarty phone and dialed in Pandora. Mom was the expert and I learned from her. My Mom had some mental health issues too, so I'd learned from the expert. My poor dad, I don't think he ever could understand Mom.

Silence feels like a superpower. It is a very powerful weapon. Sooner or later hubby would need help with the TV or he would want supper. I rolled these things over in my mind and decided that I'd break his silence as soon as he got up from his nap.
After all, I should be the better person in this as I am caring for him.

There is no arguing with Dementia. I discovered that with his mom. Let them rant, let them tell you what is what and simply move on. Hard to do when you literally live in close proximity.

After his nap, he wasn't having anything to do with breaking Silence. He stood with the remote and kept clicking through programs and sighing loudly. I let him.

I started to bake chocolate chip cookies. Our cottage/house is very tiny. Pretty quick, he entered the kitchen and stood.

"Whatchya doing?"

Me: Baking cookies.

Him: Didjya fall on your head? [His joke at any attempt by me at baking.]

Me: Must have.

Him: Let me have some.

Me: Okay. Can I help you find a program?

Him: Yes please.

The Silent Treatment broken and things back on an even keel.

Abulia

That is not a word you will hear often. In fact, until today, I've never even heard of that word.

I found it while looking through some articles on Stroke and Apathy. I was looking things up and I do not really believe in 'looking' or Googling symptoms for information, I do know that reading scholarly articles or NIH articles are helpful.
Sometimes while I am waiting for Rich to get up if I am not at CrossFit, I will do some 'heavy' reading on Strokes, COPD, Mental Health, and other issues that seem front and center in our lives.

While looking up Apathy in Stroke survivors, I stumbled on another word. Abulia.
Now we have been seeing Rich's psychiatric doctor nearly every two weeks. Dr S. really was amazing in helping Rich get out of his last horrible MDD, Major Depression.
However, I think depression is not the only thing affecting him at all. Last year he had an extensive Neurological exam done with two Neurologist and Behavior Specialists.

Here is where Neurology meets Psychology. They actually blend in this case as Rich suffers MDD [Major Depressive Disorder] which was helped earlier this year and we had a much better summer thanks to Dr. S. But blend in all the medial issues along with the Brain Damage and the ongoing progression of Brain Damage and what do we have? Apathy? MDD? PTSD? Brain Slippage?

We still can discuss certain subjects that are near and dear to him. But the year of endless TV watching has now stopped. And I mean stopped cold. In its place is a man who sits at the kitchen table and stares out the window or stares at the kitchen table for very long periods of time without speaking or moving.

I do engage him in as much conversation as possible. I tell him about my workouts, the people I see at CrossFit, and sometimes read him news stories. He listens and responds but mostly he is silent.
Am I not pulling him outside and forcing him [rather unwillingly] to functions? He said his Pulmonary Therapy was okay. But now he can't do it. Can't.

Some days I feel like someone dumped me in a deep pool of water and the harder I swim to get out of the pool ... the further away those pool edges move.
Yesterday I went out after CrossFit to a coffee shop with a pal from CrossFit. We sat and just chatted. She chatted a lot. Her parents are elderly and I think she had a few things that she needed to get off her chest. I have learned to sit and be quiet and not turn around and complain about my issues when someone needs to unload.

I found our hour sitting there watching people walk by on the street and sipping coffee to be extremely relaxing. I dreaded going home to the silent man who would either be in bed or sitting and staring off into nothing.

I feel if I could just push him somehow, I could make him better. But in reality, I can't.

So what is going on? Med changes don't work. Ever since his stroke, Rich reacts violently to most medications. His latest new med for depression was interesting and frightening. He had some rather nasty reactions.

Winter is his worst time of the year anyway. I hate the thought of going through months of MDD again. It is like living in a life sucking hole of blackness.

That is why I work out. That is why I hike. I need to preserve sense of self.

But what of him? What is Abulia?

Apathy, Disinterest, Passivity, Lack of Opinion, Asocial, Extremely quiet or mute, Emotionally remote, Indecisive, ...the list goes on.
Depression meds do not work with Abulia.

It is a neurological/brain issue. I don't know, but I am grasping at straws because, if YOU can name something maybe you can work with it?

Anyway, I messaged Dr. S to ask him about this. Maybe just treating these issues as depression issues isn't the answer. Maybe we are all barking up the wrong tree.
Maybe
just
maybe
there is no good answer because who the heck knows what really is going on in a brain that has damage?

Will I get used to this changing person who sits mutely at the table?
Can I adjust to him sleeping all day and awake most of the night? He sits in the dark and ... well I have no idea what is going on.

We meet with a Neurosurgeon on Thursday to see what the latest MRI of his brain shows.

I'm tired today. But I have so much yet to do.

This should have gone under the blog The Long Road, but I'm putting it here, as this is part of my daily routine as a CareGiver.