Friday, November 19, 2010

A Hateful Woman or Stupid Man invented Tree Stands


Mark my words.
A tree stand [for hunting] or photography should never have been designed such as they are.

Who was the retard who engineered these things?
I say a Hateful Woman may have designed these for the soul purpose of getting rid of the Husband-Hunter.
*Here Honey, look what I bought you!* she says gleefully.
Honey immediately takes it out to the woods and uses this flimsy tubular thing that attaches to a tree with little bitty nylon straps.

He is supposed to climb this flimsy piece of lightweight tubular metal and deposit his weight at the top of it with a deer rifle.

Honey explains that this contraption is perfectly safe when strapped down correctly.

So...last night I helped my husband put up one of these contraptions.

Let the record show that I prefer the solid ladder that leads to a nice wide platform built on an ancient oak that overlooks a meadow and hillside. Hell, I could bring my dog up there and sit in the swivel chair that is mounted to the 'rubberized' platform. No need to do a freaking balancing act getting up or down.
[Perhaps someone could add a nice little heater and a roof...but hmmm, that would eliminate the outdoorsy-ness of the whole experience.]

Of course the donkeys had to get involved in the process too. Alas, they were held back by the electric fence.


Of all the trees that could have been picked, he picks the worst one ... in my opinion. A fiasco ensues. A dead branch is IN THE WAY, will I climb the wobbly thing while he 'holds' it and saw the offending branch down?
Sure honey...3/4 of the way to the top, I experience second thoughts, third thoughts...and feel the wobbles under me.
Don't look down is my mantra.
Don't think about falling.
Saw.
This effort fails wonderfully as the light fades and I give it up and ascend down the retarded thing they call a ladder.

Determined hubby [the sort who would beat his chest and howl to prove his manliness and we all know that deer hunting is all about manliness] announces that he must finish what a 'woman' could not.
Would I hold the ladder?
What?
It is not strapped or braced, I begin to point this out to him.

He beats his chest [not really] and begins the ascent. The ladder thingy begins to bow and he has to leap for safety.
So he puts up a brace and tells me to hold it.

By now I am ready to run screaming into the night pulling off my stocking cap with chilled hands.
I think: he's going to get up there, the ladder is going to wobble, he'll lose balance and crash into the logs and nasty stuff below. My finger prints are all over this damned piece of crap they call a ladder.
I could laugh if I wasn't so frightened.

He climbs. He saws. I hold on for dear life. Even with the offending dead limb falls and hits me...
It happens as he descends. The ladder begins to sway. I hear cuss words. In the fading light I feel him jump and thump as he lands.
Curse words.
I'm still locked on to the swaying ladder thingy that is not properly attached and is bent also.

He is okay, he yells at me for not holding this thingy steady. I'm like: WHAT? I can hold 200+ lbs 30 ft in the air on a swaying bending wobbling ladder, get real.

I done in.
He affixes the ladder-tree stand thingy properly and I am amazed. It is actually solid.

When he asks if I want a ride back to the house I stomp off through the darkness. I'm sure he wonders why...

I am convinced that only a Hateful Woman or a Very Stupid Man had come up with this tree stand thingy made out of lightweight materials.
Only the truly insane shall climb these things on Opening Day dressed in Blaze Orange and freeze their asses off waiting for a trophy buck to walk past them.

My nightmare was complete.
Yet I survived.

3 comments:

Jennifer said...

Sorry Val, but I'm laughing over here! Not because I'm a sadistic person who enjoys tales of near death experiences, but because...been there, done that! I've learned a valuable lesson - if your man wants to do something that makes you squint your eyes and weigh the pros and cons at length, better to invite one of his buddies over to help him (bribe them with a 12 pack, it works!). That way you can just sit back and say "toldya so".
;)

Val said...

Oh that is quite all right Jennifer, he does many a thing that make me scratch my head and simply go 'huh'??
As I'm sure I give him great pause once in a while.

Lauren Tracey said...

LOL! Fingerprints... I never thought about that! Haha. Love this one! Could relate to... all of it. I am semi-nervous about opening day. It's the nylon straps that the instructions say "secure" the man and gun and tin foil stand 20 or so feet up. Nylon straps?? Sigh... I guess we'll both be listening for shots, shouts, & thuds later this month. ;)