Life and death and decisions...

Frightful weather!

Overnight it snowed again. More snow/drizzle stuff. I spent about an hour last night cleaning out certain areas with a shovel. I had everything exactly how I wanted it and then...
it snowed again...and drizzled.

I saw an electric snow shovel on another blog I follow and thought that was the cat's meow until I realized that I'd have to keep it plugged in and a cordless one would operate for 25 to 30 minutes.
I almost considered a snow blower but only for about 30 seconds when I saw all the instructions and gas mixing stuff.
Ok, not a choice for me.

I'm still thinking of a little plowing machine type 4 wheeler job. It would get all the flat areas I needed cleared and a tiny bit of shovel work would do the trick. IF there was a blizzard and a few feet of snow, well that is different sort of story.

The weather this morning is not good so I'm not going into town until it settles down. There is supposed to be an icy mix of 'stuff' moving through.

I spent the day at the hospital with my MIL again yesterday.
I discovered that I actually do have a heart in my body. I've been accused of being too unemotional in the past and I admit it. I usually don't let emotions get in the way of pragmatic thinking.
I put 'the job' in front of me first and don't get all emotional and upset as that doesn't help the thought process.
But yesterday I sat and watched the nurses and lab lady pull blood as MIL cried out and kept crying. I wondered exactly how on earth was modern medicine helping?

Congestive Heart Failure along with Kidney Disease progresses to organ malfunction, fluids in the lungs, and a rather long list of probable outcomes. Death is the last outcome and it is unavoidable.

MIL struggled hard for air and she literally sounded as if she were gurgling.

Two members of the family had been asking if they should come. One is further away and would require a flight.
They didn't ask me though as my reply would have been 'I am at a loss as to why you haven't already come before?'

So I struggled with being the only relative there and I was the daughter in law.

I fetched a warmed blanket after the gals had gone, a CNA said she could put it on MIL.
I said, "No! I'll do it. This way she can feel me tuck her in and put my arms around her. I'm family, it is much nicer to have a family member tuck you in than a stranger."
The CNA smiled and handed me the blanket.

And as I tucked my MIL in and she groaned with delight, I felt my heart fall to pieces.

I was grateful that there was no one else in the room to see my tears or feel my heartache. Me, the ever stoic person.

And I felt anger at the daughter who had said that she didn't want to see her mom until after she had passed because it was too stressful for her.
I thought of the opportunities that the family members had passed up in the last 8 months of seeing MIL happy, clean, well fed, and chipper at the nursing home. I thought of the funny things that MIL and I have been sharing. And I was very angry and then very sad.
And then I felt grateful that I had taken the time to be with her. That I had visited.

And then I thought how much I would miss her too.

I sat back to watch her fall into a much more comfortable sleep.

And before I left for the day I wondered this awful thing.
How we as a human race will let our pets pass on when they are so ill and in so much pain.
But we won't/can't let our chronically ill people go ...or just keep looking for treatments to prolong suffering?

I'm really not a cruel person. I just can't see going through momentous efforts that cause pain and only have the same result in the end.

I am so very glad that Rich and I put together Advanced Directives and Living Wills in place. I know my son will make sure that they are carried out if I am not able to implement them.